normal

I felt really overwhelmed with my thoughts and just so over it. I had my breathing controlled normally. It’s just so fucking annoying and frustrating that a normal thing like breathing is a hassle and something that I’m scared to do on a day to day basis recently. I had it controlled. I just wanna know if there’s people out there with a similar problem or something. I have this thing, this problem with a feeling of my thoughts coming out of my breath when I breathe I can’t breathe normally. It’s annoying and it takes me a couple days to finally catch my breath. I was doing good but then I ran out of my meds and the problem came back I was off my meds for 2 days. I had a breakdown about it today bc the thoughts are so perverse and I just wannabe in a normal situation again and be happy and normal it’s so hard to maintain. I don’t know what’s going on.

so since mid december i’ve been feeling like this , well first in mid december I’ve started feeling anxiety like normal, normal as in physical things like feeling like im going to pass out, shaking, chest pain, etc. but then it got worse , then it turned into more of mind stuff like feeling not real , feeling weird like idk. my mind is always runningg like on over drive, like looking back at myself that doesn’t seem like me. like idk. i can’t stand to look at myself anymore bc it doesn’t feel like me. i can’t be alone , when i think about to it makes it sm worse. but how do i stop thinking ab it? or make it better. i’m scared it’s gonna get worse. like i can’t even do my makeup anymore bc i think something bad will happen. i can’t go certain places , like stay the night bc i think something bad is gonna happen.

I honestly can’t tell when thoughts are being affected by OCD. Sometimes I think I have what I think are normal “grey” thoughts, but then OCD adds so much weight to them and I spiral. I had this thought that I wished my boyfriend was more confident or independent. I felt so guilty for thinking it. I told him, and of course it hurt him. He told me it’s a normal thought to have, I just dwell on it too much. And that it’s the kind of thought most people keep to themselves. That’s the thing. I don’t know what’s okay to keep to myself and what isn’t. I think sometimes I say things out loud not just to relieve anxiety, but because I genuinely don’t know what’s okay to think or say. I do not know the line between a normal grey thought and something that’s “bad” to think. I don’t know how to tell if it’s something I should process privately or something I need to be ashamed of. I get this confusion with intrusive thoughts too, but those are easier to spot and evaluate. This is harder, because again, it is *my* thought. That makes it harder to sit with. Maybe the intrusive part is the voice that questions what kind of person I am for even thinking it. I don’t have the same telltale signs anymore. My physical anxiety isn’t there anymore, it’s all in my head and that makes it so much more confusing. But I don’t know. The line between honesty vs compulsion is so blurry. I just feel lost