Every time I talk to a guy I doubt

@Someone99 This is what I’m thinking. He is handsome to me. Like I said in the post his energy is whats attractive to me and I’ve never had that before with a guy. I love hanging out with him. Yesterday I spent alll day with him and I enjoyed every bit

@Abree clarey That's fantastic!!! Looks ultimately are the least important. I'm older, my wife and I are married 32 years and are empty nesters now. So liking each other, liking being together, is most important. Are you afraid of a relationship? Do you think he's interested in long term?

@Someone99 I’ve never been in a relationship but he is aware I’m not ready for one yet but I never know maybe me and him can be something. Yes it seems like he is interested in long term because he asked me a month or two ago “when I get my car, you want to think about getting into a relationship “ and I said yes . He has his car and last Wednesday was the first time going to church and I LOVED it. I went Sunday and LOVED it! I’m excited to keep going to church with him.

@Abree clarey That's a great thing to do together! Spiritual growth as a couple is extremely valuable. I'm excited for you! He seems like a fine young man

@Someone99 Thank you and yes he’s a great man!❤️

@Abree clarey This conversation with you has been a delight! Thank you, and I wish the best for you!

@Someone99 Same for you thank you for your help✨

@Abree clarey Any time!

@Abree clarey I just replied to your most recent post. I would very much like to develop a friendship with you if you would be comfortable to. I'm married 30+ years and have 2 young adults sons, so I assure you I don't have any agenda other than friendship. I think I can offer some advice on how to navigate your over thinking based on what I learned in ERP therapy, and life. You seem like a very genuine, fantastic young lady. I'm always here if you want to talk, sometimes too many opinions just make more confusion. :-)

@Someone99 Yes I would love that

@Abree clarey :-) So I'm understanding you're bothered after time spent with him? Are these thoughts about what happened while together, like replaying conversations, or is it about all the "what if's" in the future?

@Someone99 While spending time with him I hated to hold his hand, rub his back and hugging him. But I finally told him about me overthinking and I think messed everything up. It’s a lot to put on here. I believe I led him on and I feel like deserve punishment. I have told him in person I liked the way he acts and that’s what attracted me and he said so I’m ugly and I said no. I don’t have a type but I know when I like someone and when I don’t. I have said before to a women that knows him that I liked the way he acts and I fear what if I don’t like him like that right now and that I see him as a friend. Eventually I got his number and during this time I’m still fearing but I still wanted to talk to him and I have thought to myself maybe this could work. Well we finally talked tonight and he said he was confused that I was acting like we were getting together when I have said before I’m not ready for a relationship. Yesterday was our 3rd time hanging out. I feel so bad. I just liked the way he acts he makes me laugh and I can be myself. I told him how I was overthinking my feelings and how I cared about him as a friend he said “are you saying you don’t see us getting together”. This is a lot and there’s more to say. I feel horrible but I wanted to be honest. Maybe this isn’t anything OCD related

@Abree clarey Please don't feel badly, and you certainly don't deserve punishment! The beginning of relationships have so much attached to them, all the excitement, and yes uncertainty. It can be scary. I like how you can see the value in him, and also the value of being able to be yourself around him. OCD or not? Hard for me to say. I do know OCD causes us to over confess and apologize at times. OCD intrusive thoughts are measured by how much they interrupt our normal activity during the day. And also "volume" of the thought, something you understand when it's happening. What happened after he asked that about "you don't see us getting together..."

@Someone99 - I said "I really don't know" i went to bed very earlier because of how bad my thoughts were. I felt horrible like I said in the last comment. I woke up this morning still feeling horrible. he said he really likes me but I like him as a friend. I thought I had made that clear to him multiple times even before getting his number. I remember him saying "when I get my car.maybe we could think about getting into a relationship" and I said yes but he still knew I wasn't ready. I feel so bad for confusing him. I feel bad for holding his hands and hugging him. but this is all my fault. I have thought to myself maybe this could work and maybe we could be in a relationship but I knew not to rush anything to quickly. I have seeked reassurance from my sister and mom and also google about leading someone on and I feel like I did that to him. I feel like I committed a crime. I feel like I cant forgive myself

@Abree clarey I can see you're definitely spinning over this. First, deep breaths, everything will work out for the best. Take a moment for you, self care. There isn't a need to react. The best long lasting relationships begin as friendships. So it's important to step out of this spinning. And reassurance seeking isn't good. Especially Google! :-) It's not a bad thing, in fact it's good to have you mom and sister to talk to about this. So, identify thoughts that are intrusive and causing you anxiety. "I led him on", "I messed up", "I'm a criminal", "I'll never forgive myself". These certainly qualify, it seems. I can't say yes you have OCD, however this can be OCD like thoughts, everyone has them at times. So the response tools can certainly help. There's a few response tools that help me. ERP therapy is great because they teach to to discover tools that work, then how and when to apply them. It's tricky because it's our own brain we're trying to change for the better. Lol.

@Abree clarey That was getting long so I hit post. Lol So, acknowledge the thought as intrusive. This doesn't mean it's not valid necessarily, but it's something that needs to be put on its place, so to speak. Next, allow it, don't react or respond, just allow it. Allow the uneasiness to brings. This is called allowing uncertainty. Even say in your internal dialogue "ok, I don't like how this makes me feel right now, but I'm going to allow it". Something like that Another way to separate from the thought is to internally set it on a table in front of you, or my favorite, write the thought on the sail of a sailboat and allow it to sail past. The really annoying obnoxious thoughts I package in the shape of a ugly gremlin and let them be obnoxious and even get to the point where I can add sarcasm, like "yeah right, like I'm really going to ..." Another one I use when I'm kept awake at night is to delay. Tell myself "ok, I will think about this again at 9am" for example. By then it doesn't even come up again. Ignoring is another one. You didn't commit a crime. It's certainly not the end of the world. Please allow yourself grace, and experience forgiveness. :-)

@Someone99 - thank you and I also work with him so I'm scared to go back to work and I feel like people know him will be mad at me. he planned a few months ago to take me to the fair and today is the day to go to the fair should I go? I also said I would go to church saturday and Sunday and I'm doubting if I should go if I only like him as a friend. I still love hanging out with the people I mentioned.

@Someone99 I would highly recommend getting calm in your thoughts before discussing this more with him. When we spin, we bevome reactionary, which usually isn't a good thing. Once you can feel a little relief in your thoughts, then have the discussion. I really hope you two will be able to hang out together and even attend church together, and continue to grow your friendship. That may be a healthy approach, "I want to continue to develop our friendship first with hopes of more".

@Someone99 - I have come a long way with learning to let the thoughts say what they're going to say and I have moments (like now) where it feels like I'm going insane

@Abree clarey I sent my last one as I got yours. Lol. But it applies.

@Abree clarey It's certainly intrusive then.

@Abree clarey Release, be present in the moment/moments, breath...

@Abree clarey You're an amazing young lady. 🙂

@Abree clarey We can't change the past, only make the future better. :-)

@Someone99 Thank you for your help 😊

@Abree clarey Anytime. So you're planning on going to the fair and church this weekend? And is it ok if I check in to see how things go?

@Someone99 Yes today is the fair And yes of course.

@Abree clarey Have a great time! I hope the weather is nice for it. I'll pray right after I send this message, that the Lord will help you calm your spirit, allow you to be present, and bless your time spent together, that ultimately, Jesus will be glorified through you, him and the moments you spend together. Draw closer to our Loving Lord. 🙏🏼

@Someone99 Amen, thank you very much! I am calm right now but I’m still having thoughts. I’m fine with just being his friend. Like I said before he really likes me. Would it still be okay to go to the fair and church with him if I didn’t feel what he feels. What if I like the idea of being in a relationship. I am strong and independent and I don’t need any man’s attention although I do get compliments a lot from women and men but I don’t want to be prideful about that.

@Abree clarey It's absolutely ok to hang out with him, open communication and honesty is important, of course. As far as being in a relationship, the most healthy you will be in a relationship is to not need a man's attention, sometimes that leads to codependency and issues long term. It'such more healthy to choose rather than to need a man you'll spend the rest of your life with. I think if he values you as my gut tells me he does, he will be happy at your pace. And if he's a believer, he can grow through this process as well. :-)

@Abree clarey Hey! How did everything go this weekend?

@Someone99 Hey it went great:)

@Abree clarey Good to hear!

@Abree clarey Would love to hear all about it when you have time, if you want :-) My wife and I are in Texas visiting our oldest son and his wife.

@Someone99 Awww that’s great:) The fair was fun I wasn’t really feeling it but I still had fun and got nauseous from riding a ride two times lol😂 I didn’t go to church yesterday but maybe I will Wednesday and Sunday I’m not sure

@Abree clarey Glad you had a good time at the fair! Other than getting nauseous. When my kids were young, taking them on those kiddie rides was torture, so nauseous from them! 🤭