I thought I was doing a lot better for a few days and here I am again. Feeling a pit in my stomach of guilt for the times I think to myself that my partner looks ugly in the moment. It makes me feel like a terrible partner and undeserving of him. I don’t want to lose him I hate this
Those are just thoughts, everyone has ugly moments is what I remind myself lol
@Anonymous Yes thank you. It’s so hard when my partner says he thinks I look good all the time
I feel the same way sometimes, one time my boyfriend and i went out for breakfast and he didn’t do his hair and i was freaking out over it thinking about how much of a terrible girlfriend i was because i thought he looked ugly and that everyone else thought he looked ugly and was judging us. I still beat myself up about it. Give yourself some grace, we’re all doing our best ❤️
Say “ maybe he is ugly right now, maybe I’m ugly too, we can be ugly together, and that’s beautiful “ or just say “ he might be ugly? Hmm, that’s an idea, not important enough to investigate tho, what else should I be doing instead?” It’s all be accepting THE THOUGHT, but not the CONTENT of it. Just accept you had that thought, a move forward. Having a thought doesn’t mean you believe it. If so, I think I might be my ideal weight and a millionaire…… damn… didn’t work. Thinking something doesn’t mean anything. Don’t feed those silly brain spam emails. No Nigerian prince has 1 million dollars that they need you to secure for them, delete and move on. Thoughts are not threats and feelings are not facts.
@TexasOCD41 Thank you! Sometimes I do believe he may look ugly in the moment though.
@Mk3 Probably does lol in fact I’d guarantee it. Difference it he knows that’s junk email and discards it. We can’t control our thoughts we only control which ones deserve our attention. The thought I had yesterday about using a wrench to unalive someone? Meh, disregard ( after I also figured out if I knew enough about true crime to get away with it, which I decided I might) but it wasn’t an important thought just an entertaining one lol so it’s in the brain trash. I once heard someone say “ it’s your second thought and you’re first action that matter” meaning everyone has wild crazy insane thoughts first, they don’t matter “ my boyfriend is ugly”- crazy first thought, doesn’t matter “ no he’s not I’m not spazing a bit right now, or maybe he is but I don’t care I’m gonna go kiss that monster” second thought and first action- what actually matters.
@TexasOCD41 He also tells me he thinks I look good all the time which makes me feel worse about how I sometimes think he looks ugly. So for example I can really think he looks ugly in some moments but my first action is that I continue being with him because I love him. Cause sometimes the ugly thought is my first and “second” thought
Dealing with this as well with my girlfriend. I'm sorry. It's definitely brutal!
@Anonymous Reading the comments people wrote above definitely are helpful! I’m sorry you’re going through it too!
If OCD makes people terrible, then we have over 8 million terrible people in the USA alone. Do phobias make us terrible? How about depression or BiPolar disorder? Many more millions there. Ooh, how about personality disorders - could those make you terrible? More millions? With almost half of the country meeting criteria for a mental health disorder, that is over 150 million horrible people!! Or, you have a metal health issue that can be treated and there are ways to help. I hope that you will reach out for that help. We are here at NOCD.com if you need it.
@Patrick McGrath Even if my ugly thought is true at some moments?
@Mk3 - You need to recognize that just becuase you thought it, doesn't mean its what you actually believe. That is the insidious nature of OCD. It makes us think thoughts that "FEEL" real but in reality, they are not, they are just intangible chemical signals in our brain. You can THINK he is ugly and not actually believe it. Thats why its so important to not pay attention to them. People with various OCD themes think WILD things, about killing someone, harming children, animals, themselves, having false memories about things they never did. OCD is the master of deception, so when you experience thoughts that cause you SIGNIFICANT distress its becuase its a thought that doesn't match your true, base nature and beliefs, and THAT is OCD and you beat OCD with starving it of its food source, which is compulsions and attention. you roll with the thoughts becuase they aren't important. You sit with the anxiety to teach your body its not dangerous, its hella uncomfortable, buts its not an actual threat. You train you body to stop responding to the smoke alarms in your head that are going off like crazy even tho there is NO fire.
@TexasOCD41 Right I understand that. But I think I genuinely think he looks ugly in some moments but that is okay.
@Mk3 That’s still ok. Thoughts are just thoughts. You’re allowed to think what ever you want, your mind is a safe place and it’s no one else’s business but yours.
@TexasOCD41 So are you basically saying I can THINK he looks ugly in the moment but not actually believe he is ugly overall?
@Mk3 1000%
@Mk3 You can also think he’s ugly and feel like it’s real but it’s not, it’s ocd messing with your mind. If ocd lies were easily realized, ocd would not be such a distressing disorder.
@TexasOCD41 This makes sense. For me I feel like I can accept that I sometimes think he looks ugly (and that’s real) but also realize that doesn’t mean I think that about him overall! And I don’t need to feel such guilt about it
@Patrick McGrath I also think it’s just the thought that makes me terrible.
@Mk3 - everyone with OCD thinks like this. Iv had thoughts about harming children, killing people, iv wished family members to not be alive anymore, hurting my pets, memories of cheating on my husband. do these make me a bad person? nope. thoughts don't have any weight on a person as thoughts are not in our active control. iv even thought my husband was ugly. iv called him a grub of a man in my head. the important thing iv don't act on my thoughts because i don't want to, they don't line up with what i believe in. Its called " ego-dystonic" thinking, you can look it up, but in short terms it means your thoughts don't reflect what you actually think or believe. its a hallmark of OCD. everyone has them, but only people with OCD attach meaning to them. OCD thoughts are like mental hallucinations, they might seem real, tangible, and represent meaning, but they are, in fact, not real, and have no meaning.
I’ve been struggling with relationship OCD and differentiating between what is an intrusive thought and what is a real doubt. I was really happy with my partner then I got one aggressive thought that I didn’t love him and this spiralled into noticing all his flaws. I struggle being around him because I feel a huge sense of guilt that these thoughts even come into my head and I cannot figure out if this is my brain lying to me or this is how I feel. It’s really impacting a relationship that is so important to me.
i couldn't take this anymore. maybe i'll just let ocd win this time. it's too hard to not have a clear conscience everytime i'm with my bf cuz my mind is telling me i'm unfaithful and don't deserve to be happy. i feel like i'll never get better anymore. i already told myself many times to stop attracting attention from other people especially to people i'm having false attraction to. but i did it again yesterday, right after i smiled a little extra in front of that girl i might be attracted to i could feel the massive anxiety in my chest. already decided last week that i might be actually attracted to her so it's best to fully avoid her. i avoided her with the best i could, but we're in the same classroom and i saw her in my peripheral vision looking at us (my bf and i) whispered to myself not to make any mistake i'll regret, but then i felt like i lose control and laugh a little extra. i searched micro cheating and it says there "trying to impress someone you're attracted to" and now i want to break up with my bf. the guilt is too strong. i couldn't sleep at night.
I'm 18, and been in a relationship with my man for nearly 2 years. I started living with him around 2 months ago, and all I do is think about if he's cheating. We were long distance for a year and a half of our relationship, maybe seeing eachother once every month or two. I decided to move in with him, and ever since all I can think about is if he's cheating or watching porn. When he's in another room I think he's doing something wrong, I have to check on him every ten minutes to ease my anxiety. I didn't have this problem before moving in. Granted he has talked to some girls on his phone, even having his ex on his phone (didn't do anything bad) and he is porn addicted though he is getting better for me. It's gotten so bad I want to leave him. A couple days ago I broke up with him and it absolutely broke my heart, I couldn't bare it so I gave him a month to show me he can do better, and for me to work on myself. If I'm still unhappy with us I'm going to leave. I love this boy more than anything. I'm scared to be without him, this is my first real relationship. At this point I refuse to even sleep until he is sleeping. I don't want to start over, I don't want to leave him, but I really can't take this pain it's causing me. It's all I think about. I've convinced myself so many times that he's cheating, but I know he wouldn't. I question whether it's anxiety or intuition. Maybe I just know deep down he really is cheating and I just don't want to believe it. I don't know. I don't think he would do that, but at the same time he's really into women. I hate that he looks at other girls in a sexual way, it bothers me so much, and we talk about it often, but with it being an addiction it's difficult. He has gotten a lot better since we have talked about it. He understands I have an issue and is usually happy to talk about it over and over and promise me over and over that he's not cheating. He allows me to have his phone whenever I want and everything, I have no reason to think he's cheating, but I can't get over it. It's not fair to him either. How do I deal with this? How do I stop hurting so much?
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