This can't be true. I simply cannot be a lesbian. I don't feel like one, I can't simply accept I'm one. I can't picture myself with a woman, this isn't internalized homophobia, this has nothing to do with whatever sort of prejudice my ocd has previously lead me to believe I had. I do not. And prejudice wouldn't have this effect on me, denial wouldn't. It's just impossible to feel this bad towards such thing for what? Ten months? It isn't possible that this would torture me continuously every day for ten months. It wouldn't make me cry, make me want to die, it wouldn't make me doubt everything that made me who I am. This is a pathology, hocd is an illness. I'm certain that I'm addicted to porn, and this simply wrecked my life. My body responds to lesbian porn, and then my mind goes crazy from doubt. "What if it means something?" I start shaking, thinking about how this life is sh*t and how ruined I am. Porn makes me feel gross, like I'm being touched without my permission. Thinking about a relationship with a woman makes me feel uneasy. I feel so so lonely, so isolated, so unlovable.

I developed hocd from porn and making a mistake, at 15 i started watching gay porn because porn is like an addiction you always looking for something new,one day i got curious but not worried just curious,does watching gay porn make me gay?so i googled it. Huge mistake,i was expecting that it doesn't mean anything but instead people from Reddit said to someone that asked that that it means he is a "closet homosexual" that hit like a train in my head and at that moment i developed hocd. 5 years later it got replaced with existamental and i now realize i wasn't gay but now it's too late my ocd evolved into something much worse

I know I know I been there keep your head up

You will get through it

I promise

This is something I'm really struggling with at the moment as well. I'm sorry you're going through this. No that you aren't alone in this fight. Does it ever feel like you like your thoughts or want to be with a girl. False feelings? This is something that is keeping me stuck right now as it feels so real.

You should try to see a therapist, that may help you get your feelings in order, and understand them as well, I do feel like that sometimes and I did it with a girl just to figure it out and I enjoyed it but I’m definitely not lesbian, sometimes you should try just to figure It out, don’t feel bad because you have those thoughts, you should love yourself no matter what, and is okay to be confused sometimes ??