- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I developed hocd from porn and making a mistake, at 15 i started watching gay porn because porn is like an addiction you always looking for something new,one day i got curious but not worried just curious,does watching gay porn make me gay?so i googled it. Huge mistake,i was expecting that it doesn't mean anything but instead people from Reddit said to someone that asked that that it means he is a "closet homosexual" that hit like a train in my head and at that moment i developed hocd. 5 years later it got replaced with existamental and i now realize i wasn't gay but now it's too late my ocd evolved into something much worse
I know I know I been there keep your head up
You will get through it
I promise
Thank you. I'm trying to hold on to any hope of getting better, which honestly is not much. But oh well.
This is something I'm really struggling with at the moment as well. I'm sorry you're going through this. No that you aren't alone in this fight. Does it ever feel like you like your thoughts or want to be with a girl. False feelings? This is something that is keeping me stuck right now as it feels so real.
I'm not dealing with false feelings right now, but I already did. I have this friend with whom I'm very close and sometimes I'd think: you want to kiss her. You want to hold her hand. You want to date her. It was honestly terrifying, and not real at all. I'd think about it all day long, feeling extremely anxious and uneasy.
You should try to see a therapist, that may help you get your feelings in order, and understand them as well, I do feel like that sometimes and I did it with a girl just to figure it out and I enjoyed it but I’m definitely not lesbian, sometimes you should try just to figure It out, don’t feel bad because you have those thoughts, you should love yourself no matter what, and is okay to be confused sometimes ??
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
**If you're not familiar with hocd please don't answer.** It feels like there's no straight me left. I've accepted that I'm a lesbian I don't know if that's what I was supposed to do. I'm deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. I feel that if I was meant to be gay this would feel like it was right for me. It only feels right because if I call myself anything else it feels like I'm lying to myself. The world feels like it's falling apart. I understand that there are people who are happy being gay and that is wonderful for them. I don't want this. I tried saying that I will just call myself straight because I'm only interested in persuing men, but my brain will not let me because I was turned on by a porn of a woman touching herself and its harder for me to get turned on by anything else now. I'm attracted to boys, but what if it's just aesthetically? I don't get a groinal response when I look at an attractive man so I guess that's true. I get groinal responses for women and I guess that's what true attraction is supposed to feel like. I'm masculine. I've been told I'm masculine too. Part of me feels like I want this now. I hate it, but my brain keeps saying what if I'm supposed to be this way. The idea of living in denial of my true self is just as scary to me. I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like this has eaten my whole identity. I want to feel like a girl, I want to be girly, but I'm not allowed to be. I want all of this to end.
I was doing so well with my ocd. It went away for two months and I finally felt so on top of it. I felt like recovery was right there. Now it’s back worse than ever and I just feel numb and so upset. The thoughts about being gay are back and they are so intense. I’m staring at every woman I see and her body parts and that makes me feel worse but I can’t stop it. Porn comes up on my twitter and I’m disgusted by it but I feel this need to watch it. It’s like I have too but I really don’t want too. I found lesbian porn when I was 10 years old online and I developed an addiction to it. That right there started my hocd, and I felt like I was gay. I spent all my teenage years watching the porn, and doing you know what, I also spent all those years staring at other girls wanting to look like them so badly. I think maybe that’s why I started watching lesbian porn, in my own way I just wanted to feel like a real woman and be loved by someone. Now I know i was only 10 years old but i was bullied and I never truly felt like I was accepted by kids. They laughed at my appearance and made me so sick. I stopped the lesbian porn when I turned 20. I’m now 22 and I haven’t watched it! I get urges and they make me cry and have panic attacks because I don’t want this. I’m terrified of being gay. And don’t get me wrong I’m not homophobic in the slightest. My sister is bisexual, I have also supported everyone in the lgbt and campaigned as an ally in support for them. But I don’t want to be gay. I know in my heart I am straight. And I think what makes all of this worse is I have body dysmorphia so I feel ugly and disgusting which again ties into why I think I used to watch the porn. Because I wanted to be like those girls who where effortlessly pretty. So as I said I have body dysmorphia and I’m chronically ill. So all these factors make me think that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because I feel ugly and like I’m a burden. I really needed to get all of this out because I feel so disgusting at times with my mind. My mind makes me think that I want to have a pee fetish, and watch porn, and do things to women and I don’t want that? Is there anyone else with hocd goes through this? I also have words pop into my head, like “p*ssy and other words and they are so out of the blue. I just want to feel like me again. I want to feel beautiful and in control again. I just need some help. How do I beat this? I just wanna be me.
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