- Username
- Brooklyn33
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Just had to say that i have this thought too. That if i'd know i'd choose what to do. But u dont. So i cant.
I also wish I knew. Ive talked to people that I know are gay or bi and gave into my compulsions and ive taken those dumbass quizes on the internet and saw a thread on twitter that was like “if you look up ‘am I gay?’ ... then sis you gay” and never took into consideration for 6 years that maybe I have ocd and peoplr have told me that since I dress like a tomboy that I look like im gay. The fuck do they know. Nobody knew that I already had the thoughts “maybe..” “what if..” and sent me into a spiral
The thought was invalid*
Yaaaaas. I really feel you so much ♡ Is like we don't fit with anyone. We can't be this. We can't be that. We just can't feel happy being whatever... I really think girls are pretty and sexy sometimes. Is normal that people (doesn't matter the sexuality) found sexual things or sexy bodies actually... sexual xd it is normal. I know in the present I don't want to go and have sex with a girl. Maybe someday I can try so I know what it is, maybe I will not do this because I don't need it. I don't know but that doesn't have to make me feel miserable ♡
God! I did the same xdd you know I am big girl and also have issues with my body. But that doesn't mean Im less girl than anyone. And I can find other girls more attractive than before because my obsession makes me focus on that much more and that doesn't change the way I see my sexuality. That doesnt have to change even if I didn't have ocd. Others can see it the way they want and it still be valid to themselves. And yes, you own your way of living free and nobody else. And ocd is not being frew at all...
Its like im stuck in a cage that isnt locked.. I used to tell myself “I seriously would be okay with myself if I was bisexual or gay... I just want to know” but I never knew. Infact I was terrified of the thought and thats how I knew that the thought was valid. I also thought that maybe I was just in denial and my thoughts were signs. I also kind of have tunnel vision now when I look at girls and force myself to look at girls in a certain way and have the intrusive thoughts, freak myself out, and try to dent the thought
It’s ridiculous how much people discussing HOCD bothers me. I know it’s a form of OCD, which I understand is out of the person’s control. I know mental illness is not a choice. I have OCD, so I get it. I get invasive thoughts about being hetero, so it makes sense that it works the other way too. I know the people who have HOCD aren’t necessarily homophobic. It does kind of make me feel like my sexuality is a worst case scenario, though. I can’t help but think “people are as afraid of being like me, as I am of heart attacks”. Idk. It just almost feels like people are saying “oh no what if I’m gay” “don’t worry, you’re straight. You’re okay because you’re straight” (which I know isn’t the case). It could just be because of the lack of positivity I’ve seen surrounding the queer community lately, though. I’m not trying to call out or invalidate people with HOCD though, I know it’s something that they don’t enjoy, and it’s something they suffer with just as much as I suffer with my OCD. Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest
[Trigger for sexual orientation ocd/hocd] --- Man i hate this so much i hate that my brain is so convinced that im not a gay man. I wouldn't even know the first thing to say about what i find attractive in a woman. Yeah uh her boobs are so. Boobs. They exist. Yeah she has really sexy uh...i dont even know. Yes women in suits sure do wear suits. When i look at a man i can say wow i love how his chest looks i love his back between his shoulders and how his waist tapers. All these things but my brain keeps telling me im wrong It keeps telling me to try and test and check and that one day ill "unlock the secret" I know ive posted a lot here today but im just so frustrated. I wanna keep pushing with my exposures and cbt but its so frustrating especially when so many people are like "well just accept it youre probably bisexual" but I know for a fact my body and heart only respond to one despite what my brain tells me. I swear I knew the difference that attraction =/= attractive before this clocked me so hard but i spend so much of my time with this now im so exhausted and fed up and beyond annoyed. I already know who i am brain just let me be in peace please!!!
Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).
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