How should I approach this if true

TW Religious OCD TW Racism I’ll try to make this somewhat quick, but there is some doubt to this memory, but I’ll say what I know. For one, I have had an obsession with doing bad prayers. Secondly, this is not just normal intrusive thoughts. My main fear was a racist prayer. Unfortunately, my brain found the perfect pathway for this. I was so afraid of a prayer being racist, that if all people of color suddenly died, I would feel so guilty, that I could attempt suicide (I was already suicidal). Unfortunately, this was something I could selfishly want, because of the suicide aspect. I feel like the best thing I can compare it to, is someone who is suicidal, who selfishly wouldn’t be upset if a meteor hit earth or something, cause they wouldn’t be at fault and they wouldn’t die. Or someone who is suicidal who selfishly would be ok with World War 3, because it could mean that they died, and there’s nothing for them to personally feel guilty about if it wasn’t their fault. My brain one day came up with something. If I prayed for something bad to happen, it would be my fault. But what if in the conditions of the prayer, for it to happen, I was magically at NO fault at all. Basically like the meteor scenario. What if everything was completely devoid of guilt. All of the sudden I feel like I became ok with it, prayed for it, and IMMEDIATELY regretted it, but knew what I was doing when I did it. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I’m pretty sure I quickly prayed for this, and then regretted it. The issue is, I don’t know how much influence ocd had over me when I did it. I mean, ocd did have an influence in putting together that scenario at first. It put together the WORST possible scenario in a way I could mean it could think of. I can’t completely remember how it happened. If it did happen, and it was my fault, how should I approach it? I feel horrible about it. Unfortunately, I am a bit worried it could happen again. Is this something I should forgive myself for? I know it’s terrible. Another option my mind presents is making myself feel as awful as possible consistently. Unfortunately, that leads to more issues. I’m very confused about this whole scenario, and I don’t think it is all intrusive thoughts. I do believe that ocd deliberately set me up in a scenario where I could pray for something awful, but I also believe I prayed for it and meant it when I did.

I kind of doubt this is intrusive thoughts. I hope it is, but I somewhat doubt it. I have a prayer obsession that has been driving me CRAZY. I have spent like 10+ hours a day thinking about this, and there seems like no end in sight. I believe I’ve prayed for some bad things and meant it, partly as a result of this, so I’m stuck in this cycle and can’t accept uncertainty with it. When I was incredibly desperate during one of my classes and suicidal, the one thing stopping me from doing it, was that my parents would be devastated. I almost, I believe had the genuine urge to pray that they would die in a way that wasn’t my fault. I’m not even talking about intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, the ocd did play one factor. It somewhat neutralized it, to say that in the conditions of the prayer, I could not be morally responsible at all for praying for it or the outcome. So this was something at that moment I somewhat wanted. I resisted, but came very close, which is disturbing. At the moment it happened and had that urge, I was so bad off that I felt like there was no hope (I wanted to do it when I got back from class, although I didn’t cause it’s scary), and I needed an escape. Unfortunately, this was the escape my mind presented. It also presented another escape that I believe has actually become something that I now view as an escape. I was worried about making a racist prayer in the beginning of the prayer obsession. My mind presented to me the scenario: “if all people of color suddenly died, you would feel so guilty, you would attempt suicide.” My mind also neutralized it to say if it happened, it could happen in a way that I wouldn’t be morally responsible at all for, including the prayer (which makes no sense). I believe I have thought of this so much, that not only has it become something I’ve started to see as an escape, but the worry about praying for it has actually made that particular situation something that stands out as an escape. The more I worry about it, the more guilty I’d feel if something like that happened (which obviously never will), so when thinking of escapes, that and the thing about my parents are in the forefront of my mind. I believe possibly my mind has driven me crazy to the point where I am actually capable of praying for these things. I have also had the urge to pray for things like world war 3 as an escape. I know it wouldn’t normally happen beyond ocd driving me crazy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mean it.

About 2 months ago, I started to worry about making bad prayers. I have meta ocd so it was very complicated. My brain would essentially stimulate me to make certain prayers by praying for every possible thing, showing how easy it was to do. It was so bad I initially tried sleeping, and anything to avoid bad prayers, but that wasn’t enough. I kept imagining people yelling at me to not make prayers. Eventually, I was fed up with it, and felt like I got washed up with a wave of anger towards those people in my head (I imagined them being real people), and ended up praying “if someone says something online that’s going to lead to me being triggered and killing myself, kill them first please,” with at least a feeling of anger towards people. Then immediately after I didn’t care and thought “woah woah woah.” I don’t know why this happened. Maybe it’s a part of it. But it felt targeted and malicious.