Conflicted

i appreciate this more than you know. thank you <3 this is really sweet and kind of you

@moon027097 - Of course. You are so very loved.

thank you for your comment. this is a little encouraging. im just so frustrated and even angry sometimes. it feels unjust but at the same time like if all the stuff in my head is real, maybe i deserve it then. im glad that you have a beautiful life now, and i hope it continues to be so

idk it's just everything i said in the post and comment. im on my period rn so im especially emotional and fragile rn. it just feels like everything is too much, but i don't want to burden you with that. i don't even understand myself rn. im just so overwhelmed and frustrated. and scared that this is never gonna get better. and i know everyone says it will and that it does with some effort but I'm just feeling so drained rn

@moon027097 - Would you like to go more in depth? Like... When did this start, approximately? Does this fluctuate? Is it that you feel vulnerable? I have a very similar issue going on (also on my period). You are not going to burden me, okay? This is what I'm here for. <3

@moon027097 - I know this is horrible to feel and it seems to be too much for you and you don't want to have to keep fighting with yourself to get better. Please allow me to help you.

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 it's just been ongoing the past few months. it tends to fluctuate a lot. i do feel vulnerable. it's just that i feel like i don't know myself at all anymore. i used to feel like i did. like i had strong values or morals but i don't feel that way anymore. i keep getting memories that feel real but not real at the same time that go against my values. once i get over one hill, it's on to the next. I feel like im lying to my loved ones about who I truly am. I even feel like im a liar here. Maybe i am the person i think i am, and what if all my lamenting on here is just me in denial. What if im just lying to myself? I feel like i can't trust myself anymore. It doesn't feel fair to share stuff like this with when i know everyone else here is also struggling.

@moon027097 - It isn't fair that you feel the way you do and life just isn't fair to begin with. But regardless, I'm right here and I don't mind at all that you are sharing this, I'm actually very grateful you are. You said earlier that you've been having difficulty with your personality. May I ask what it feels like? Is it ever-changing? I know this is very frustrating, not feeling you can trust yourself, but we're going to get through this.

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 idk how to describe it. i just feel different. not the same. like i woke up one day a few months ago and haven't been the same. idk if its my outward personality because i still feel like i act the same around people, but i feel different on the inside. i've never had a really had OCD episode before so maybe it's just that. idk. i don't even fully understand what im feeling. i just want to understand what's changed. and why it's changed :( i can't stop second-guessing myself or mentally reviewing the past. i know false memories are a thing but im scared that they're real for me. and im scared that im not the person i thought i was. i just don't understand what's happening to me

@moon027097 - I'm gonna send you some symptoms and you tell me if you relate, if that's alright with you?

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 sure. thank you for taking the time to talk with me. you really didn't have to.

@moon027097 - I dooooooo because I want you to feel better <3 Okay... 1} Avoidant Depressed Hopeless Submissive Loyal Humble Helpless Vulnerable Clingy Codependent 2} Superficial Irritable Chaotic Easily annoyed Fearful Unreliable Easily distracted Seductive Charismatic Engaging Suicidal 3} Pessimistic Unpredictable Defiant Impatient Irritable Stubborn Rebellious Cynical Resentful Easily offended 4} Moody Bitter Self-loathing Overly compliant Self-focused Directing anger inward Submissive Suicidal 5} All of the above

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 i'd say if anything, i relate the most to 1 and 4 (if that's an option). i can relate to being pessimistic in 3 and maybe a little easily offended but all the other stuff, im not so sure. not certain if my answer helps lol😭

@moon027097 - It does!! Okay, 1 and 4, let me reveal those to you and you can have both

@moon027097 - 1. Discouraged Borderline (Quiet BPD) The discouraged borderline type, also referred to as high-functioning BPD or quiet BPD, includes a mixture of avoidance and dependence on others. People with discouraged BPD tend to be incredibly loyal and humble, but to a point where they may cling to others. Their identity depends heavily on their relationships, particularly romantic relationships. If a close relationship ends, those with discouraged BPD are often unable to cope and their whole world becomes destabilized. Their fear of abandonment can cause them to feel insecure, helpless, and doubtful. Additionally, discouraged borderlines tend to feel depressed and powerless. They lack motivation and agency and find small tasks to be insurmountable. As a result, they turn to others for support, often to the point of unhealthy dependence. These individuals also struggle to express anger as this conflicts with their self-image. Thus, they may turn their anger inward instead and engage in self-harm or suicide. 4. Self Destructive BPD Self-destructive borderlines show masochistic personality traits. They tend to direct their feelings inward, which can lead to engaging in dangerous or harmful behaviors toward themselves. While they desperately want to be independent, they fear it. This causes significant internal tension and conflict. These individuals tend to be sacrificial, conforming, and deferential in relationships with others. Because of extreme thoughts and emotions, they may become resentful, bitter, and feel unappreciated. This can lead to increased depression and tension, which is often directed inward, such as through self-harming or suicide attempts. (3. Petulant Borderline The petulant borderline has a passive-aggressive personality style. Others may describe them as negative, demanding, stubborn, and impatient. They are often jealous of others’ happiness and resent depending on others. Some may report somatic disorders as a way of seeking attention. Petulant borderlines rarely had their needs met as children and felt insecure in relationships. They may have been mistreated, abused, or manipulated by caretakers. As adults, they may have episodes of feeling worthless, depressed, or guilty, and at other times become overwhelmed with irrational anger and borderline rage. When the episode is over, they are often remorseful and desperate to repair the damage done.)

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 i relate to some aspects of all of them, but some aspect i don't really though i don't know if maybe i do behave in that way and am just not aware enough of it. i never really considered the possibility of BPD. but i guess it's because i don't really know much about it. i think the one i relate to the most is number 1. i've never self-harmed before (not physically anyway), and have never raged on anyone or abruptly ended a relationship before. i have experienced suicidal ideation from time to time. i do relate to having a really big fear of abandonment and do tend to direct my anger inwards (probably one of my biggest problems)

@moon027097 - You don't have to have all of the symptoms of each type either. That was what I thought of when you were describing all of this. OCD can be triggered by BPD.

@moon027097 - What is BPD? Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition. People with BPD have extreme mood swings, unstable relationships and trouble controlling their emotions. They have a higher risk of suicide and self-destructive behavior. Many diagnosed with BPD feel suspicious about events in their lives. They struggle with suspicion and paranoia about the intentions of people around them. When stressed, they may lose touch with reality and become disassociated. What Causes BPD? Like any other psychological disorder, precise causes for BPD are difficult to pinpoint. Many experts agree that interactions among the environment, biology, and genetics can contribute to its development. While having any or a combination of these factors could result in the onset of BPD symptoms, this may not be the case for everyone. Conversely, a person may lack these risk factors and still develop BPD. Who does borderline personality disorder affect? Most personality disorders begin in the teen years when your personality further develops and matures. As a result, almost all people diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are above the age of 18. Although anyone can develop BPD, it’s more common if you have a family history of BPD. People with other mental health conditions, such as anxiety, depression, or eating disorders, are also at higher risk. Nearly 75% of people diagnosed with BPD are female. Research suggests that males may be equally affected by BPD. However, they may be misdiagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or depression. Possible causes of borderline personality disorder include: Genetics: There is some evidence suggesting that BPD may be genetic. Someone with a close relative (like a parent or sibling) with this condition may be at a higher risk of developing BPD. Brain Anomalies: Several studies have linked brain anomalies with BPD. These revealed that variations in brain structure and function may account for symptoms like emotional instability and impulsiveness. Childhood Trauma: Many cases of BPD have been associated with childhood trauma. BPD sufferers have reported experiencing traumatic events during childhood, like physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, neglect, abandonment, etc.

@moon027097 - Splitting is a defense mechanism in which people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) view things in extremes, as all good or all bad. It can involve rapidly switching between polarizing views. Splitting can make it difficult to maintain relationships and can cause emotional exhaustion. Symptoms Mood swings: Sudden and dramatic shifts in mood, such as from intense happiness to anger or sadness A quiet borderline personality disorder (BPD) episode is when someone experiences intense emotional turmoil internally while appearing calm and composed externally. Changes in self-image: Sudden changes in self-esteem, identity, values, or beliefs Impulsive behavior: Rapid shifts in behavior or decision-making, often driven by intense emotions Relationship fluctuations: Sudden changes in feelings towards others, leading to unstable relationships Idealization and devaluation: Idealizing someone and then devaluing them, or vice versa Extreme language: Using harsh positive or negative words Expecting others to take sides: Assuming others see things the same way and reacting negatively if they don't Emotional outbursts People with BPD may have intense and unpredictable emotional outbursts, such as crying, yelling, shouting, or aggressive behavior. Unhealthy behaviors People with BPD may engage in unhealthy behaviors, such as physical violence, self-harm, or transient psychotic symptoms. Symptoms Emotional pain: The person may feel overwhelmed with sadness, fear, or anger, but they hide these feelings from others. Self-doubt: They may struggle with self-doubt, anxiety, and guilt. Withdrawal: They may withdraw from social interactions or avoid talking to people who upset them. Self-blame: They may blame themselves for conflicts or feel like a burden to others. People-pleasing: They may try to please others, even at their own expense. What does splitting look like? Black-and-white thinking People with BPD may describe things in absolutes, like "always" or "never". They may also use extreme words, like "angelic" or "evil". Rapidly switching views People with BPD may quickly switch between idealizing and devaluing someone or something. For example, they may describe their partner as "the worst" one day and "the greatest" the next. Punishing others People with BPD may punish others who don't share their perceptions. This could be through angry outbursts or the silent treatment. Silent treatment is usually a response to perceived criticism, conflict, or fear of abandonment. What causes splitting? Splitting can be a defense mechanism used to protect against intense negative emotions, like loneliness, abandonment, and isolation. It can be linked to early life traumas, like abuse and abandonment.

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 omg i feel like this has made me realize that i can sometimes really harshly judge some of my loved ones like a friend or my brother for example. can being overly critical of a loved one like if you don't agree with a belief they have or something that they've done or said, I feel like it sometimes radically changes my perception of them. and then i've ruminated in the past over whether i should continue to associate with them. i've had similar thoughts about my mother. and in the moment it feels sort of like a war because i know i love them a lot, but another part of me feels like i don't want to associate with them like im protecting myself or something?? idk how to describe it. like i have contemplated once cutting off a friend(even though i know i love them dearly) because they did something or didn't do something that i expected. and then gone back and forth with myself over why i was being so critical of them in the first place. it makes me feel like such a bad person because i don't want to judge the people i love like that :( like obviously i can't say from this alone that i have BPD, but reading all of this has made me realize that i do do this sometimes, but the recent OCD flare i guess you could call it has almost made me stop doing that because i realise that if i want to even cope in life, i can't keep holding myself or others to this super high standard all the time😭 but this has made me notice that my opinion or state of someone in my life tends to really shift from one extreme to the other without even paying attention to why i was doing it i didn't even realise i was doing that. thank you for the info!! this is all really helpful. i hope i made sense lol

@moon027097 - You do make sense, and of course!

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 also, thank you so much for talking with me 🫶🏽 it was super kind and it really means a lot to me. i hope that you know that if you need someone to talk to about anything that's bothering you, im here for you as well <3

@moon027097 - Thank you so much

thank you 🤍 and i am feeling a little better. i had a therapy session as well this evening. yes, she is one of the sweetest and kindest people on here and i am super grateful that she was willing to talk and help🥹

@moon027097 I'm really glad you have that support for you! It's really nice to see that you're feeling better from all of this and I'm glad you had your therapy session. :) if you would like to talk about anything else I'd be happy to help

@BigGyro09 thanks so much, that's so kind of you🫶🏽 i am here for you too

@moon027097 I appreciate that! Things are getting a lot better on my end and I hope they are for you as well :)