I kind of doubt this is intrusive thoughts. I hope it is, but I somewhat doubt it. I have a prayer obsession that has been driving me CRAZY. I have spent like 10+ hours a day thinking about this, and there seems like no end in sight. I believe Iâve prayed for some bad things and meant it, partly as a result of this, so Iâm stuck in this cycle and canât accept uncertainty with it. When I was incredibly desperate during one of my classes and suicidal, the one thing stopping me from doing it, was that my parents would be devastated. I almost, I believe had the genuine urge to pray that they would die in a way that wasnât my fault. Iâm not even talking about intrusive thoughts. Unfortunately, the ocd did play one factor. It somewhat neutralized it, to say that in the conditions of the prayer, I could not be morally responsible at all for praying for it or the outcome. So this was something at that moment I somewhat wanted. I resisted, but came very close, which is disturbing. At the moment it happened and had that urge, I was so bad off that I felt like there was no hope (I wanted to do it when I got back from class, although I didnât cause itâs scary), and I needed an escape. Unfortunately, this was the escape my mind presented.
It also presented another escape that I believe has actually become something that I now view as an escape. I was worried about making a racist prayer in the beginning of the prayer obsession. My mind presented to me the scenario: âif all people of color suddenly died, you would feel so guilty, you would attempt suicide.â My mind also neutralized it to say if it happened, it could happen in a way that I wouldnât be morally responsible at all for, including the prayer (which makes no sense). I believe I have thought of this so much, that not only has it become something Iâve started to see as an escape, but the worry about praying for it has actually made that particular situation something that stands out as an escape. The more I worry about it, the more guilty Iâd feel if something like that happened (which obviously never will), so when thinking of escapes, that and the thing about my parents are in the forefront of my mind.
I believe possibly my mind has driven me crazy to the point where I am actually capable of praying for these things. I have also had the urge to pray for things like world war 3 as an escape. I know it wouldnât normally happen beyond ocd driving me crazy, but that doesnât mean I donât mean it.