Can anyone relate: OCD prayers

@Rachel Owsley Thanks, I appreciate it. I’m a bit confused, because of how it happened. The specific thing (I won’t say what it is, it’s a similar concept to the meteor thing), I knew was something I’d be ok with, because my mind said “well what if you somehow had zero moral responsibility.” And for instance, if a meteor hit, and I had zero moral responsibility for it hitting, or for praying for it, I’d be ok with that. So it basically turned the “I’d like it to happen,” into a prayer.

@Rachel Owsley But I normally wouldn’t actually go out of my way to pray for a meteor hitting, however, I feel ocd can change that. I also feel guilty over past things it’s caused me to do (or that I’ve done) and it causes me to lie in bed for hours before sleeping. All the sudden, this makes the meteor scenario more tempting, which is a bad cycle

@Rachel Owsley Sorry one more thing. I feel it’s sort of a gray area, but ocd does all this other stuff with extreme prayers. Like for example about Donald Trump (sorry to get political). It influences me to pray in ways I feel I normally wouldn’t. Like for example, I don’t want him to attempt to take over Greenland or something like that. So then my mind will go “well pray for him to die before taking over Greenland. That’s the right thing to do, because it would save lives.” And then I think I actually did something like this. I feel maybe it has desensitized me to the whole “die” thing in prayers. I don’t really want to pray for people to die, even if it saves people, but ocd has essentially influenced me into it

@Anonymoususer26251 Thanks for sharing that—what you’re describing is a common way OCD operates, especially in moral or religious themes. The mind creates these “what if” scenarios—like, what if I had zero moral responsibility—and then takes a thought that feels neutral or hypothetical and twists it into something that feels intentional, like a wish or a prayer. This is exactly the kind of mental trap OCD sets: turning passive thoughts or imagined situations into things that feel like active choices. It’s not about your actual intent; it’s about how OCD blurs the lines between thought, desire, and action in a way that creates guilt or fear. It’s important to remember that having a thought like “I’d be okay with this happening if I weren’t responsible” doesn’t mean you’re hoping for harm or making a real spiritual request. OCD thrives on ambiguity and creates distress by convincing you that these thoughts have more meaning or consequence than they really do. You’re not alone in this, and many people with OCD experience this kind of thinking. It can be deeply unsettling, but it’s part of the condition—not a reflection of your values or beliefs.

@Anonymoususer26251 That makes a lot of sense, and it really reflects how OCD can create vicious cycles. It’s common for people with OCD to feel intense guilt over things they’ve thought or done in the past, even when those things weren’t actually wrong or were driven by the OCD itself. That guilt can build up and lead to exhaustion, hopelessness, or thoughts like “maybe it would just be easier if something happened and I didn’t have to deal with this anymore”—which OCD can then twist into another intrusive thought or “prayer.” The important thing to remember is that this cycle—guilt, rumination, intrusive thoughts, more guilt—is exactly how OCD keeps its grip. You’re not doing anything wrong by having these thoughts, and the fact that you’re distressed by them shows they go against your true values. It’s okay to feel worn down by it. But you’re not alone in this experience, and the thoughts themselves don’t define who you are. They’re symptoms—not truths.

@Anonymoususer26251 Thanks for being so honest—what you’re describing is actually a very common theme in OCD, especially when it involves moral dilemmas or “greater good” scenarios. OCD loves to latch onto high-stakes, emotionally charged topics and push people into extreme, black-and-white thinking. It can make intrusive thoughts feel like moral imperatives, especially when there’s a sense of responsibility or pressure to prevent harm. The thought process you mentioned—where OCD suggests a harmful action in order to prevent something worse—is a classic example of how it distorts reasoning. It’s not that you want harm to come to anyone; it’s that OCD presents it as the “lesser evil” and then convinces you that you agreed with it or even acted on it in some way. This can be incredibly distressing and can lead to feeling desensitized, not because your values have changed, but because OCD keeps pushing those same buttons over and over again. That emotional fatigue is part of the cycle—and it’s something many people with OCD struggle with. It’s important to recognize that having these thoughts, even repeatedly, doesn’t make them true or reflective of your character. They’re symptoms, and they don’t define you.

@Rachel Owsley I feel like honestly that’s the best explanation anyone’s given. The zero moral responsibility thing really got to me. This is completely messed up but I’ll share it. My main fear was of a prayer turning racist. My mind rationalized that this could happen because I had guilt from real event ocd dealing with a mistake I made in the past, and I constantly thought that some people of color would never want to forgive me for it, and make me feel miserable all the time. So the way ocd rationalized it was “well if they all died, you would feel better mentally.” My mind kept focusing on that, and eventually it thought of something else. Since I felt guilty about this racist prayer, if all people of color suddenly died, I would feel so guilty that it could push me over the edge for suicide. Unfortunately, I wanted something to push me over the edge. Eventually the “zero moral responsibility,” thing that isn’t even possible, but suggested I could do the prayer with zero moral responsibility and I would have zero moral responsibility for the outcome. Since I wanted something to push me over the edge, I did that, and then regretted it immediately after.

@Rachel Owsley The “feel better mentally” thing also wasn’t cause I hated people of color. It was my brain rationalizing, “well if this thing happened, you wouldn’t constantly be criticized over and over again in your head,” which clearly still isn’t true, but I guess it doesn’t make much sense.

@Rachel Owsley Sorry maybe dumb question. What if ocd manipulated my mind so much that I actually thought towards god “you know what I’d want.” Cause that’s basically what happened. So essentially I technically did do it I feel like, but it was based on manipulated emotions that didn’t allow me to see how I would normally feel about it

@Rachel Owsley Sorry I’ve messaged so many times, and ignore the other messages, but with the “greater good” scenarios, ocd is really testing me. With the prayers to die, it is creating scenarios like “what if the only way you could die is x.” It’ll test me by saying “ok you want to die. Pray to die, but know that it will make your family suicidal if you die.” I pray to die really easily, so this is sort of done as a test. It then does a situation like the “lesser evil” scenario. It is saying “what if the only way you die is if your brother attempts suicide, but survives.” Unfortunately, that might be something I’d act on, not cause I want him to die, but because if I were feeling desperate, knowing that he’d do that might not stop me (although there’s a good chance it would, because I’ve mainly not done it cause of the effect it would have on my family). It took it a step further and said “what if the only way you could die is if your brother killed himself afterward for sure.” This is obviously an impossible scenario, but unfortunately I had had the thought process before of “even if I knew he would die for sure, I would probably still attempt,” which I regretted. But there is probably still some of that feeling in me. When I think deeper about it, it can cause problems, and possibly lead to me making that “choice.” I feel bad because obviously that is not the correct choice to make, but I am tempted by it. And I know it’s impossible for it to be guaranteed that my brother would die if I died, but that doesn’t stop the ocd. It is trying to get me to basically go over the hump of acknowledging someone will die, and then saying “you wanted someone to die what is wrong with you,” when in that scenario I made that choice (which was obviously the wrong one), but if prefer not to think about it at all

@Anonymoususer26251 Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing this—it’s incredibly brave to talk about experiences that feel so tangled and painful. What you’re describing is actually very characteristic of OCD, especially when it gets wrapped up in guilt, responsibility, and intrusive moral fears. OCD often creates these chains of logic that sound completely convincing in the moment but are actually designed to trap you in endless cycles of shame, fear, and self-punishment. It’s important to remember that thoughts are not actions. The distress you felt (and still feel) shows that these thoughts go against your true values. OCD doesn’t care about what’s rational or fair—it weaponizes your guilt and your empathy against you. It tells you that you have to somehow account for every thought, every possible outcome, every ounce of guilt. But you don’t. The regret you described after the intrusive prayer isn’t proof that you’re a bad person—it’s another example of how OCD turns normal human emotion (guilt, pain, grief) into something unbearable by demanding total moral certainty where none exists. You’re still you—someone who clearly cares deeply about doing what’s right—and OCD is trying to use that against you. If you haven’t already, working with a therapist who really understands moral scrupulosity and real event OCD could help you heal from this in a way that respects your values without feeding the cycle of self-punishment. You deserve peace, and you deserve to see yourself with compassion, not just through the lens of OCD’s distortions. You’re not alone in this—there is hope, and there is a way forward. Thank you again for trusting us with your story. It takes so much strength to be this honest.

@Anonymoususer26251 Thank you for explaining that—it really shows how deeply you’re thinking about this. What you’re describing makes a lot of sense in the way OCD twists logic. It’s not about hate; it’s about your brain desperately trying to find a way to stop the constant cycle of guilt, criticism, and anxiety. OCD doesn’t offer real solutions—it offers traps that make you feel even worse. The fact that you can recognize the distortion now is a huge sign of your insight and your values. You’re clearly not someone who believes or wants those things—you're someone who’s been stuck in an exhausting mental battle, and you're working hard to untangle yourself from it. That’s something to be proud of, even when it feels messy. You’re not alone in this—and you can heal from it.

@Anonymoususer26251 Thank you for sharing all of this—it really shows how much you’re trying to work through an incredibly painful and complicated situation. What you’re describing sounds a lot like how OCD works—it pulls you into endless, impossible moral “tests” that only make you feel more trapped and isolated. These thoughts and fears aren’t a reflection of who you are. I’m signing off for the night, but I’m wishing you well. I’m not always active on the forum due to my clinical hours, but this is a supportive space, and I hope you’ll keep reaching out here in this community when you need encouragement. You’re not alone in this.

@Rachel Owsley Ok thanks, I really appreciate it!

@Rachel Owsley Sorry one more question. My mind has invented loopholes to praying. I can “pray to pray” for things, which to me can feel like a prayer due to magical thinking. The issue is, it’s not the same as doing the actual thing. It is easier to do than the actual prayer. I can bypass stopping myself from doing it. It shouldn’t have much power, but it’s been given power, because I imagine other people saying “well if it feels real to you and you act on it, then you’re a bad person.” I’ve done it for horrible things that I could pray for (maybe due to ocd), but normally wouldn’t. One of these things was a potential prayer where I got so frustrated from ocd that I thought “screw it, I’m going to pray for people to die.” I do have misdirected anger from OCD, so this is a possibility, but I’m not sure how much ocd would have actually factored in to this. When I was feeling really bad, and felt like people said all the “prayers” I did were unacceptable, I got really frustrated and thought “I’ll pray for world war 3 just because.” I thought really hard about it and almost did or maybe did (I’m not really sure). But I was so frustrated, because I felt like people would say the stuff I did was wrong, even if it didn’t feel wrong to me. I’ve been trying to deal with this, somewhat by allowing myself to pray for anything I’d want and allowing my mind to go places it probably shouldn’t. When I was feeling very frustrated, I thought of the worst possible thing I could get frustrated and pray for, and I “prayed to pray” for it. Basically, I prayed for it through magical thinking, imagining myself in that scenario, where all the frustration had built up, and saying “amen” in my head. It makes no sense at all, but if it makes sense to me, I don’t know if it makes me a bad person, and that’s part of what drives it. I read something about someone saying they had a worry about doing a curse on someone, which isn’t real and I know that, and someone said “it’s impossible, especially if your intentions weren’t to curse them.” I then thought, “great, it’s possible for me to be a bad person from cursing someone if I believe that curses are true due to OCD, even though I would have NEVER thought about curses before OCD.” I can then imagine myself believing in curses, and due to OCD, through magical thinking, I can “pre do” a curse, by saying “amen” while imagining a scenario where I actually believe in the curse. Because the scenario feels real to me through magical thinking, even though it’s impossible because I don’t believe in curses like that, I can be a bad person according to OCD. If I read something that makes me think that the magical thinking thing makes me a bad person, I am more likely to imagine myself mad at people and “pre-pray” or “pray to pray” for it. It has zero basis in anything logical but if it makes sense to me, than that is the issue. OCD can even designate something like “if you tap your foot you agree with the prayer.” All of the sudden, it can become something that feels real to me. After it’s done, to me, it feels insignificant. But I feel like other people would disagree. It is possible for me to “pre-pray” for things I am actually not even capable of praying for. Or I could imagine myself in a calm state, think of a future time where I would be calm and pray for something awful, and say “amen,” as if I were in that time. It makes absolutely zero logical sense, but I technically prayed for it through magical thinking. I’ve done this before for the worst things I can imagine. It is likely not even possible I could pray for them, but my ocd could say “well what if you swapped places with evil people 1000 times,” or something dumb.

@Rachel Owsley I’m not exactly sure what’s going on, but with the “pray to pray” thing I prayed for something awful and bigoted that only involved other people dying. In the midst of my ocd, there have been a few times where I have thought “I know it’s wrong, I don’t care, I will pray for such and such to happen.” One of these things was world war 3. Maybe ocd is somehow blunting my emotions, I don’t know. The other day, I was thinking about something racist I did in the past without really realizing it (I am not racist), and imagining people yelling at me. It turned in to me believing I hated people of color, and then that turned into something where I had the urge to pray for all of them to die, knowing it was in a hating way. I stopped myself, but that mindset “stuck,” and once the prayer to pray thing got involved, I could magically pray for it to happen. Last night, I ended up praying to pray for this, which I know doesn’t make sense, but to me it did. I magically “prayed” for it, and according to the magical thinking, that was a prayer. I’m confused, because at the time (two days ago) it was first presented to me, my mind was telling me it was over genuine hatred. But I don’t hate someone over their skin color which is what racism is. I might be frustrated that I perceive I’m not being forgiven and think people are out to get me, and then in my head think “they’re all like that and I hate them,” but wouldn’t that be misdirected frustration from ocd, since outside of ocd I know that’s not the case? After the pray to pray thing was over, I did not have any “hatred” and my mind was more peaceful. My mind kept telling me it wasn’t misdirected frustration, but outside of OCD I don’t have these feelings. I feel like all my frustration is derived from feeling like people are “out to get me,” which is caused by ocd. Hating someone for their skin color is dumb to me and doesn’t make sense. Especially given I have ocd and have had HOCD, I’m accepting of everyone. So I don’t know where this is coming from, but it seemed to come from somewhere

@Rachel Owsley And it came on very quickly, but I did it. The feelings I had when I first almost did the prayer “stick.” Basically, I can go right back to them constantly. I can magically say “yes” or “pray to pray” for it, acknowledging everything that it would mean. I have had moments like this a few times where I thought “screw it, I will pray for such and such I don’t care.” I tried to handle this one way by allowing myself to pray for anything, no matter how bad it was with no filter. I prayed or at least think I did for some pretty horrendous things. I then imagined people telling me I shouldn’t have and it was unacceptable. This got me really frustrated and I thought “I don’t care. I will pray for world war 3. I want to die anyway,” and then had to think somewhat hard and did (I think). It is really easy to think about how I want something and say “amen” in my head. The same thing has happened with the scenarios I mentioned earlier with people dying as a trigger for suicide. When I have been really bad off I’ve thought “screw it, just let it happen. I know it’s wrong but I don’t care.” I don’t know how much was actually intrusive thoughts and how much was me, but I know I wouldn’t normally pray for it. Sorry to keep going on. I’m very confused

@Rachel Owsley I did it for a really bad prayer today and I think I meant it

@superculsecretusername Also something that might help a little is that if everything we prayed for was real, the world would be a total chaos and not even exist, If we got granted every prayer, accidental or not, we would DEFINITELY be all dead and the world wouldn’t even exist anymore And think about all the actual good prayers you’ve wanted in your life, some of them don’t become real right? Like “please god give me a million $” This is proof that in the end, it’s in god’s hands regardless of what we ask for. He’s the one in charge, we’re not for obvious reasons. So if we do get hit by a meteor, it wouldn’t be your or anyone who has had an intrusive thought about that’s fault😉 and I totally understand the guilt that comes with ocd. It’s tough, even with reasoning and logical thinking, the feelings and thoughts can feel real and overwhelming. That’s why I said it might help a little. And also remember these thoughts are not your fault or real wishes, ocd likes to mess with your values and what you care most about.

@superculsecretusername Yeah that’s probably true. This is confusing too, and I don’t get it, but if someone told me it was acceptable to pay for world war 3, there’s a decent chance I would, which is really weird. So I don’t know exactly why, but maybe it’s to test things out. Because normally I wouldn’t. It’s the same as if I thought it would be unacceptable to pray for something I wanted, and then someone told me it was ok to do, I probably would. And I don’t know why, because normally before this, praying for something like that wouldn’t be on my mind. The only reason I’d want world war 3 (I don’t really want it that much still) is because of feeling suicidal. So maybe testing out prayers can lead to a distortion of what I’d normally pray for. I don’t know though

@superculsecretusername And it’s somewhat messed with me and caused that mood to “stick.” And this is weird, but I haven’t prayed for those things but I’ve basically done so through magical thinking. Basically I “prayed to pray” for these things. I basically magically acknowledged “sure, I’ll magically pray for it,” without actually praying for it. Maybe it’s my way around actually praying for it, I’m not sure. When I am not having this prayer obsession, I couldn’t see myself going out of my way necessarily to pray for world war 3.

@superculsecretusername And the weird thing is with ocd something might feel completely unacceptable to me but it turns out it’s just my ocd. So say a bunch of people said “oh it’s just your ocd, praying for world war 3 isn’t that bad.” Then there is a decent chance I’d pray for it, and then as my mind went more on autopilot probably wouldn’t. Because if I prayed for it I’d more be thinking “escape” than about the horrors of what actually would happen. And I wouldn’t be thinking god would actually listen to it at. Under no circumstances would I actually push a button to make something like that happen if I had a “yes/no” option. I’d probably feel guilty afterward too

Thank you for sharing that—you’re definitely not alone. What you’re describing is really common in OCD, especially when it latches onto harm fears or magical thinking. Having a thought like "what if something bad happens" and then feeling the urge to pray or mentally "undo" it is a classic compulsion. It’s your brain trying to neutralize the fear and regain a sense of safety, even though the thought itself isn’t dangerous or meaningful. It’s exhausting when OCD puts that kind of pressure on you, but the fact that you can recognize the pattern is a really important step forward. I'm heading offline for the night, but I’m glad you shared this. Even if I’m not always here due to my clinical hours, this community is a great place to find encouragement and support. You're not alone in what you're facing.