Struggling relationship and ROCD (help)

I know how much OCD can latch onto relationships, it creates this urgency to fix, to explain, to feel “right” again. That fear of losing someone or being misunderstood can feel unbearable, and OCD will push hard for relief through texting, seeking reassurance, or mentally replaying everything. But the more you chase certainty, the more tangled it gets. It makes sense that this feels harder right now, OCD thrives on emotional stakes. But this discomfort doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or the relationship. It just means your brain is firing off alarms it thinks are helpful. You can notice the thoughts, let them be there, and still choose to respond differently. That’s where real change starts, and it’s not easy, but it’s possible.

I deal with with this struggle a lot too and it's very reassuring to see someone else get so in their head that they feel like the love was gone or was never there. Take her telling you that she feels suffocated as a massive gift. My girlfriend and i struggled for years before we made a breakthrough. It takes a lot before you can get to a point where you feel comfortable enough to do this. I know it seems obvious, but be honest with each other. You know she loves you and you said she makes you feel calm. Her comfort is important too. Let her know that she is safe to say "I'm getting frustrated with your constant seeking of reassurance." Your need for safety is just as important as hers. Come to a compromise that says "I don't want to annoy you, but I need reassurance. If I give you some time, can we come back to this topic after [specific amount] of time?" Or "can I confirm one more thing before I drop this topic for today?" Is also really important for them to know what your triggers are. The less you're triggered, the less your partner has to feel suffocated about. You can avoid the issue before it becomes one. You can say "when you do ____, it makes me feel insecure in our relationship. What would help me is just you saying quickly that nothing is wrong, that you are not falling out of love with me, and that ___ is not happening." Or whatever your fears are. Yall are both valid in your experience so respect her boundaries as well as doing what you can to reassure yourself. "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" goes a long way. If the answer is no or idk, you could take some time to yourself so she feels less suffocated. It's really important with ROCD to try your best to break that dependency, so try to reassure yourself without her help if possible, but don't hide how you feel. Ik that's a really hard pill to swallow. Sorry it's so long. I have more to say but don't wanna talk too much. TLDR, Avoid triggers and respect her boundaries. Open communication. Her helping where she can but knowing where her boundaries are.

Constantly seeking reassurance from a partner will only feed the OCD cycle. You have to break the cycle. In the non-OCD world, asking for reassurance seems like a good, helpful thing. For us, it’s a problem. Learn to self soothe. The concept of “emotional permanence” was helpful to me. Learning to trust that a person’s love still exists even if you don’t get a text/see them/etc is key. Sometimes I do need reassurance from other people. But I try to ask ONLY when I’m in a calm state of mind and I am able/willing to accept the answer. If I’m going to ask the person the same question, an hour/day/week later, I’m just stuck in a loop. And they feel like their words don’t matter, like we’re not listening. Because, we’re kinda not. We believe our own fears more than them. Before I knew it was OCD, I felt like I was going crazy. My gf always said the right things and yet I struggled. When I realized we were feeding the OCD cycle, we were able to make changes. Sometimes I’d blurt out, “Are you mad at me?” and follow it up with, “Don’t answer that!” I could figure it out. I trusted her to talk to me, to have hard conversations if she needed to. I feel for you. It’s really difficult. But you can make changes and break the cycle.

I think asking her how she feels could be very helpful. I struggle with this with my boyfriend and sometimes I can start spiraling with worry about these types of things when I haven’t heard from him for a while. But then whenever he says he feels a certain way, I start asking more questions. Ask her to elaborate on how she feels. Personally, my boyfriend telling me how he feels is very helpful for bringing me out of a spiral and back into reality