Determining sexuality with SOOCD

Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

I’m 31 and have had a similar experience. I had SO OCD start when i was in 8th grade. It kind of popped up intermittently throughout high school and college, but I still thought I was straight. I had like a white light fear pop into my head my last year of college that I was actually gay. I didn’t know what SO OCD was so i just assumed i was gay. I ended up coming out of the closet before even experimenting with guys, but i never really felt a super strong attraction to guys and assumed that I was repressed. Long story short, I just assumed i was gay for 8 years and that my attraction to women would fade but it never did. I ended up re-experimenting with women 6 months ago, and I have been enjoying the sex (meaning everything is working and I’m enjoying myself). I just got a girlfriend (first person I’ve really dated seriously since i was 21) and my SO OCD and R OCD (new theme) has been pretty brutal. I feel profound uncertainty about whether I’m on the right path. My core fear is being uncertain forever and potentially having to end things with my girlfriend before things get too serious and I end up hurting her. The only times I feel some certainty is when we’ve just had sex or when i get hard when I’m with her. So I’ve been using sex as a compulsion to some extent, which is confusing lol. Idk it’s all really confusing and scary, so I feel what you’re going through.

marbo

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 17w

@Anonymous I really appreciate this! It’s helpful to hear someone else experiencing similar distrust of their own brain & experiences (although I’m intensely sorry that you have to experience this at all)

JediMJ

Date posted: 17w

I’m sorry you have struggled. I do not have experience with this OCD subtype, but because I belonged to a church that believed homosexuality was a sin, I spent a decade “praying away the gay” until I found out that being gay isn’t something you choose. And I share this because I understand grieving “that part of my life I missed out on.” And feeling like you lost your chance at love. I think grieving what we’ve lost is okay, even *necessary* to heal. And as long as our hearts are still beating, we still have opportunities to find love. Keep working on yourself, on growing into whatever your sexual orientation is, on loving yourself (which includes not getting in situationships with people who are toxic). Sending you peace and hope. Things will get better. They have for me. 🙂

Ms.shelovesf...

Date posted: 24w

People with SO-OCD please view🙏🏼

So my ocd theme changed to sexual orientation ocd last December after I heard a popular video "hi, I'm Gibby" and I went like the Gibby sounds like "gay", then I started saying the phrase and over days, I started getting intrusive thoughts "I'm gay" .(I have had other ocd themes: (magical thinking ocd, symmetry ocd, health concern ocd, religious and spirituality ocd and harm ocd ever since I was 12, they just come and go)....I struggle with other conditions(ASD and bipolar disorder). I have never struggled with sexuality or questioned it because I have only liked males right from when I was in grade 1🥲...I still like them. SO-OCD is very frustrating because deep down I know I'm straight and there's no evidence I'm not but the intrusive thoughts and compulsions to get relief (the cycle) won't stop. I'm on fluoxetine(Prozac) and it did help my symptoms but lately I realised I'm more consumed with compulsions and idk but I think it's reducing the effects of the drugs?.. I see an attractive female and my mind goes like you found her attractive you must be gay or I want to go out and do sumn"what if you discover you like them or are gay" ...idk it's frustrating, very and I'm tired. I don't even get turned on by same sex or any😭that what even makes it more confusing.+ It's almost like I'm now hypervigilant when Watching videos or Instagram reels...it making me forget that finding someone physically attractive≠sexual attraction...idk if anyone gets me...(Rn my ocd themes are SO-OCD and religious and spirituality ocd) SO-OCD is frustrating, I'm tireddd...how can I never have struggled with sexuality for almost a decade and half but I'm having it now(it's started two months ago)...who has had/have this theme??

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

anyone else?

So I’ve SOOCD since I was in 8 th grade and it got really bad when I had an intrusive thought as to what if I was bi. And ever since then I’ve had self destructive behavior to where I would think the thoughts on purpose or about women and checking them out and flirting with them. ( I identify as straight) and over time these thoughts and self destructive behavior hasn’t bothered me and now they feel apart of me I know apart of it is ocd but also it’s me like me willingly looking at women and me wanting to have sexual thoughts or feel aroused and in reality if I never had ocd I would never think this way I could live without women and never sleeping with them I do have a bf and I love him and am attracted to him rn thought bc of what happened last night with a women it’s hard to feel that can anyone relate?

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 19w

feeling helpless

As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Determining sexuality with SOOCD

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community