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@Anonymoususer26251 I get that. I have done the same in name of ERP. I’ve intentionally let thoughts happen during the prayer for exposure and I still feel guilty. And they were really really bad/taboo thoughts. But I’m praying to the Creator of the universe. He knows me when I don’t even know myself. And I can’t surprise Him. He knew every single intrusive thought I’d ever have and He still chose to love me (John 3:16). If we were all perfect, we wouldn’t need a Savior, but while being imperfect, God still sent Christ to love us (Romans 5:8). Rest in the fact that you are a Child of God and He knows/understands/sees His children. He adopted you. There is NOTHING that can take you out of His hands (John 10:28) 💛

@Anonymoususer26251 I would say it’s an intrusive thought because you admitted here that you only want it to happen because you want a certain outcome for yourself. (Which is NOT something that you deserve, you are SO worthy of life 💛). I study history and actually once wished for WWIII too, because I wanted to be apart of it and fight in it and experience a historical event to that level. That was an intrusive thought. There was something that I thought I wanted to gain from it but of course I wouldn’t want the world to experience that extent of hurt again, but I didn’t care if I got affected from it.

@Anonymoususer26251 That is how you know this is intrusive. Everything you just described is EXACTLY the nature of an intrusive thought.

@Anonymoususer26251 I think you are using the word “mean” too strongly here. You don’t want bad things to happen to people. It seems your brain only creates these scenarios so that it could give the suicidal ideation a way out. Like I said before, you are worthy of life. And intrusive thoughts/prayers go hand in hand. Again, I’ve had them myself. The prayer, as it is a thought that you are directing to God, can easily be intrusive. Especially when you care so much about others. Are you seeing a therapist? I think it would be really helpful for you to get professional help. I say that more because of how easily it seems these thoughts resort to harming yourself. You don’t deserve that 💛

@Anonymoususer26251 Yeah I know what you mean! But trying to figure out what you “mean” is all apart of OCD. You are trying to make sense of things but that is exactly what OCD wants you to do to keep you in the debilitating loop. Whether it’s under the name of “prayer”, “wish”, or “thought” it’s all the same, and I’ve personally struggled with all three of those