POCD and changing baby diaper - please help

Hi NOCD community, I was hoping to get some advice from fellow sufferers. In December we welcomed the first baby into the family, my beautiful niece. Since then, my POCD has been awful, which I know is probably very normal. Last week, in the middle of a very high stress day in my family, I was changing my niece and as usually happens, I got intrusive thoughts about awful things people do to babies when changing them. The thoughts were so harrowing to have as I was also changing her at the exact same time, and I felt my hands just quickly want to finish patting her dry before putting her nappy on, and for some reason, my heart dropped with that hand movement, because I was afraid that I had acted out the awful thoughts in my head, in a moment of mania because my morals, values and heart do not align with abuse of any kind, especially to children. My niece is my everything, and I know I would never want harm to come to her in any way, shape or form. I love her endlessly. I am having therapy, but have only had a couple of sessions. But, I cannot shake the 'what if'. I am tortured over trying to remember what it was I did that made my heart drop, but I can't, and its getting fuzzier and fuzzier the more I try to remember. Could anyone offer any advice on this please? Thank you.

reynoldshm24

Date posted: 17w

I’m a Peds nurse and this was the kind of ocd I had. What helped me in ERP was really tackling the exposure and accepting the what if. Scripts helped me. It sucks so bad at first but it was the only way to recovery

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Hi there, Thank you for your helpful response. May I ask, how can one accept the 'what if' with such a serious topic? I feel as though in this scenario, I must not have one seed of doubt left before moving on? Thank you

No matric ce...

Date posted: 17w

I'm sorry you are going through this ,I don't have pocd yet I can't fully imagine what you are going through but reading your post I have a idea,however erp works for any theme or topic the core concept of ocd recovery is are you willing to live in a world where your fear can happen or come true?

nae nae

Date posted: 17w

The fact you're in distress because of that "what if" is proof you wouldn't have done anything. Remember, OCD is ego-dystonic. You're the farthest from ever doing something like that 🫂 Try not to let it twist things (easier said than done). Using non-engagement responses and practicing accepting the uncertainty will help you with this. Here's a NOCD article with some helpful tips: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/effective-ways-you-can-respond-to-unwanted-thoughts

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

Hi Nae Nae, Thank you for your kind and helpful response. I just had a question if that's ok. I am able to sit with uncertainty with so much, however I feel with this subject, it is not ok to sit with uncertainty, as it is such a serious subject? Doesn't everyone have to be certain that something did not happen before they can move on? I agree, that OCD changes who we are in our memories, and attacks the things we care about the most. Thank you again

nae nae

Date posted: 17w

@Anonymous You'd think so. But if we didn't have OCD, we likely wouldn't be having these doubts at all. Logically, you know you love your niece dearly and wouldn't ever do anything to harm her! Sadly, logic doesn't work on OCD... Accepting the uncertainty doesn't necessarily mean you have to believe that it's an actual possibility. It just means that you're accepting that the anxiety and distress you're feeling is there, but that it will eventually subside without you needing to do compulsions (mentally reviewing, researching, reassurance seeking, confessing, etc...). That you'll be okay. I dealt with a similar fear before, about whether or not I'd harmed someone. I reviewed my memories constantly, and it eventually got to a point where I didn't even know what was real and what wasn't. It was mental torture, and I didn't understand how to accept the uncertainty or why it'd help at all... But I tried it anyway. After a lot of practice, I was able to do it. I'm at a point now where I'm able to look back and see how ridiculous that worry was! I believe you'll be able to reach that point, too!

jennamax20

Date posted: 17w

I am so sorry for this and I really understand what you're experiencing - I know it feels completely irresponsible to not take it seriously. I really understand - but that's the only way forward. It will feel awful for awhile it may flare up once in awhile even after you move past it. As "reckless" as it feels to Treat this as ocd and move on, that's what kills the ocd

Anony1314

Date posted: 18w

VERY stressed and ruminating. Please comment POCD

Please read and comment kindly. Really looking for support. My child was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt them that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow towards her groin area) but it came across my mind to elbow my child, and I elbowed their crotch or side area. Which caused another unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out and asked my child to move. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be theirs anymore. Idk what overcame me, and in the moment, it felt like I wanted to move my elbow, but I know that can also be my OCD speaking. Right? I clearly regret it all and hate myself. I would never intentionally hurt my child; I don't know what happened in my head when this happened. I was doing SO well! Is this my POCD that I've been diagnosed with by my OCD specialized therapist? Just a struggling mom who used to be the best of the best. I'm very depressed by this. Idk what to do with myself. I live in regret now, and I just wish it would've never ever happened. I can't stop ruminating and being depressed thinking I don't deserve anything.

POCD

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 16w

Pls has anyone been through this?

Let me start by prefacing that I developed ocd as postpartum ocd after having my first child. I had harm and pocd. I had it on and off for years and then it just eventually went away completely for many years until recently after a stressful life event. Now that it’s back it again targets my children but now my grandchildren also. It’s been horrible and makes me pull away from them. Last night my 6 year old granddaughter threw up in the car when my daughter was about to take her home so my daughter brought her back in the house and asked me to clean her up while she cleaned her car. I had some anxiety about it because of my ocd but I couldn’t say no to helping so I opened the bathroom door and my granddaughter was standing in her underwear waiting for me to clean and dress her. Everything was fine and normal but then for some reason, I have no idea why, I looked down at her chest area. I immediately got so upset and didn’t know why I looked there and now my ocd is saying it’s because i’m a monster. I tried to tell myself it’s just normal human behavior when someone is standing there naked that you look where you shouldn’t simply because it’s just there in front of you but I feel horrible. I don’t feel any inappropriate way about her or any child but my ocd is saying it was inappropriate. Has anyone else been through this?

roszip-0toMd...

Date posted: 12w

Please help!!!

TW! please someone comment When I was 12 or 13 I used to babysit a little girl, she had a habit of keeping her hand in her diaper and was always touching herself, there was one point I was changing her diaper and noticed she was really red. I had separated her private parts and checked the inner area for signs of infection. She was okay, just some really really bad diaper rash. I know this is what happened yet my brain is trying to convince me that I hurt her, and that I wanted to do it, I know I would never hurt a child but with all the anxiety I feel when I think about it I'm starting to wonder if I did do it because I wanted to hurt her, I don't wanna be a p, I don't wanna hurt innocent children, I used to never have these thoughts but now I do and I'm so scared to tell my therapist as she hasn't diagnosed me with ocd yet. I don't want her to think I'm a p nor do I wanna hurt kids, but my brain keeps telling me that I do and that I'm just lying to myself and everyone around me, ik I would never do something that could harm a child but I keep getting these thoughts and their inappropriate and I just want them to stop, does anyone have any tips on how to help myself? I keep turning to my boyfriend for reassurance but ik that that's just a quick fix and that ill be spiraling about it again.Please help

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