sold your soul

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

I feel like this time I can’t pick myself back up. It felt too real like I don’t even belive it wasn’t real I fully feel like it was my own feeling and I genuinely felt that. I had stabbing intrusive thoughts, I imaginined it on purpose to test my reaction and then it felt like I know how it feels to physically do that action (stab someone) and I like how it feels then I was getting these urge feelings and it felt like I wanted it and then I was imagining the thoughts again about stabbing someoneI care about multiple times and then It suddenly felt like I was really happy about the thought and almost like I really enjoyed it and realised why evil people enjoy doing these things like I felt what they felt like I’ve discovered a ‘thrill’ feeling of doing that evil thing and I can’t get over it I can’t figure out why it felt like that and now I’m thinking because it felt like I liked it and it felt good I will be curious about being evil or want to be evil to feel that feeling again and it’s really messed up and I don’t know what to do everytime I think about it it feels like there is actually something wrong with me I no longer have anxiety or feel really worried about the thoughts I feel numb and that feeling is really making me feel bad like I can’t live normally now it feels like I am actually evil now and I don’t even know if I have morals or if i would be evil or not. Normally with my thoughts no matter how real it’s felt I’ve managed to convince myself why I had a certain feeling and why it’s not real and why I’m a good person but this time it actually feels like that feeling was from me and I actually felt really happy and enjoyed or got a thrill from the idea of doing that horrible thing like I can’t even say it feels real because I’m thinking it is real I don’t know what to do 🙁🙁I’ve had ocd for a few years but don’t get anxious anymore and this feels like I’m actually bad or would want to do it because of that feeling

TW Religious OCD TW Racism I’ll try to make this somewhat quick, but there is some doubt to this memory, but I’ll say what I know. For one, I have had an obsession with doing bad prayers. Secondly, this is not just normal intrusive thoughts. My main fear was a racist prayer. Unfortunately, my brain found the perfect pathway for this. I was so afraid of a prayer being racist, that if all people of color suddenly died, I would feel so guilty, that I could attempt suicide (I was already suicidal). Unfortunately, this was something I could selfishly want, because of the suicide aspect. I feel like the best thing I can compare it to, is someone who is suicidal, who selfishly wouldn’t be upset if a meteor hit earth or something, cause they wouldn’t be at fault and they wouldn’t die. Or someone who is suicidal who selfishly would be ok with World War 3, because it could mean that they died, and there’s nothing for them to personally feel guilty about if it wasn’t their fault. My brain one day came up with something. If I prayed for something bad to happen, it would be my fault. But what if in the conditions of the prayer, for it to happen, I was magically at NO fault at all. Basically like the meteor scenario. What if everything was completely devoid of guilt. All of the sudden I feel like I became ok with it, prayed for it, and IMMEDIATELY regretted it, but knew what I was doing when I did it. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I’m pretty sure I quickly prayed for this, and then regretted it. The issue is, I don’t know how much influence ocd had over me when I did it. I mean, ocd did have an influence in putting together that scenario at first. It put together the WORST possible scenario in a way I could mean it could think of. I can’t completely remember how it happened. If it did happen, and it was my fault, how should I approach it? I feel horrible about it. Unfortunately, I am a bit worried it could happen again. Is this something I should forgive myself for? I know it’s terrible. Another option my mind presents is making myself feel as awful as possible consistently. Unfortunately, that leads to more issues. I’m very confused about this whole scenario, and I don’t think it is all intrusive thoughts. I do believe that ocd deliberately set me up in a scenario where I could pray for something awful, but I also believe I prayed for it and meant it when I did.