Fear of HIV again!!!

@Anonymous No!!

@Anonymous I told the lady if I can get a std test done. Isn’t hiv an std? This is scaring me

@Anonymous The test came back negative but people say you have to get blood drawn I’m so scared I just feel like crying everyday

@Anonymous We did things last year and it was my first time experiencing sexual thing (no vag intercourse) I got sick ( tested positive for Covid I think a month later and people at my job had it before me) and then fast forward to January or February of this month I get tested. I had a rash (that comes and goes since I was a kid) that came up under my breast and scared me thinking I caught something. I now have a rash on my hand but this rash came from 2 years ago after cleaning a filthy pool. I also have sensitive skim

@Abree clarey Hi. I had this very same scare in 2018 after the biggest mistake of my life. I assure the more research you do on this, especially HIV, the more you'll spiral. There's nothing wrong with getting a blood test to check for HIV. There are tests now that are basically 100% accurate. However you must then accept the result. Negative will mean negative, ok? Just like the negative urine test means negative.

@Abree clarey And yes I'm negative after a lot of unnecessary checking. :-)

@Someone99 I want to get my blood check! I’m scared what if I have it and don’t know. I don’t even want to experience sex until I do

@Abree clarey It’s always good to get checked and you’re taking the right steps. To be honest, the more you spend time not knowing, the OCD will make it a lot worse.

@Abree clarey I completely understand, and you're a good person because you want to know for your future lover. And there's guilt and condemnation in your mind over the past experience as well, so that is really heightening the distress you're feeling, understandably. It's always good to be proactive with our health for any reason, so calm your mind about the blood test, it's ok to get one. Then, we will work through accepting the result. Negative will mean negative.

@Abree clarey One step at a time, I'll be here for you every step of a long the way. :-)

@Abree clarey Hey. Are you scheduled to get the blood test?

@Someone99 No I honestly don’t believe I have anything. These fears rise for a while, go away and then come back again. Maybe I should get checked and if I do I will do it mostly out of fear

@Abree clarey Hey, wow. It is a scary thing. Glad to hear you're doing ok. 🙂

@Someone99 Yes I’m doing great but I keep having thoughts that I have it and then peace comes over me and it terrifies me.

@Abree clarey So the thought you have it gives you peace? Maybe it's also attached to your regret? Like you deserve punishment somehow?

@Someone99 Yeah I guess Like it will say I have it and then I get a feeling that it’s true. I never did intercourse but I did oral but nothing got inside my mouth simply because I think it’s nasty personally. I did it analy but he didn’t get that in me. Sorry if this is weird it’s just I keep going back thinking to check if anything did get in me. I asked him out of fear if he was clean after all those months of being scared to ask him and he kept reassuring me that he’s clean but deep down I don’t know if I believe him. He did have a condom the very last time we seen each other and we really didn’t do anything that night (we don’t talk anymore because I moved on) I just keep checking my memories to see if I contacted something and I stil to this day get scared of the what ifs

@Abree clarey Yeah, it's something to leave to the uncertainty of it, really. You have all the "data" you'll get, other than a blood test. Seems like you're fine though. I actually had a hookup, unprotected, she even told me she was just finishing her period and removed her feminine product right before. And I still went unprotected. Biggest mistake of my life I'm many ways. A couple weeks after I got a rash on my inner thigh and some other weird "symptoms" over a 3 month period. I had at least 6 tests over the following year to 18 months. All negative. But it was a year of literal hell. That was in 2018. So, I know the fear, and have done waaaay too much research. Hope this doesn't trigger you more. I get what you're going through and had to respond. And will talk anytime you need to.

@Someone99 Yeah I got Covid like a month or a few weeks or days later and the manager was working around people when she had Covid so I got it and other people did and I went crazy on google looking up symptoms. A lot of people on the internet say people can have hiv and not have symptoms and it triggers me even more

@Abree clarey Oh, tell me about it. There's also information saying it's not detectable for some time, then it is, then it's not, and so on... I was chasing my tail. Lol. That's why I suggested to not research it, and should you get the blood test, accept the result as final. It can and will keep us spinning.

@Someone99 Yeah I’m going to get tested eventually. These fears won’t stop I keep looking back at times I felt sick and every time I feel sick I start to overthink I have it.

@Abree clarey Apparently, after a time of possible symptoms shortly after infection, symptoms that vary and sometimes none at all, you can be healthy for 10 or more years, some apparently never get any symptoms for decades. I know what you're going through. This has taught me a lot, the hard way. 😞

@Someone99 I seen that online and that scares me even more. I don’t want hiv at all😢

@Abree clarey Who would. My heart goes out to you. Please work hard against compulsions, ruminating, regret, self hatred, all that will come with it. You can and are forgiven by God, and worthy of that forgiveness. That's also what I care about with you, your soul and spirit. Are you ok in that place?

@Someone99 Thank you I just called my mom crying and scared telling her I need to get checked again but this time with blood. I hardly did anything with that man I am still a virgin. I’m just terrified right now and trying to calm down

@Abree clarey I'm so sorry, my friend. I hope I'm not making things worse!!! 😢

@Someone99 I did get triggered by one comment but I went on google on my own because I keep overthinking that time I got Covid and got type flu A and people at my job also had flu A as well. I got fatigued randomly and threw up my food which was weird and that lasted a day. I’m scared of getting sick at all now

@Abree clarey Ok. I completely understand how scary this is, and mostly I hope to be a friend for you through this. :-) I don't think you have to be concerned, but a blood test certainly won't hurt. As long as, and I say this lovingly, as long as you accept the result.

@Someone99 Okay maybe I should get tested..

@Abree clarey Looking at it from an outside perspective, why not? It'll put you at ease. What did your mom think about another test?

@Someone99 She keeps reassuring me I don’t have anything and she said if I think it’s really serious (because I keep overthinking ) then I need to go. Just the thought of going to get tested is scaring me and making me think I probably do have something. I wish these thoughts would stop

@Abree clarey It's always a challenge with intrusive thoughts to be sure we're making good decisions and not just reacting to the thoughts. I see another test as a responsible decision for you and a future spouse. :-) Have you ever had ERP therapy or learned response tools for intrusive thoughts?

@Someone99 I did look into ERP and it kinda scared me lol but I have come a long way with learning to let the thoughts say what they’re going to say. These hiv thoughts just started after meeting that man. I did have a fear of hiv and aids after reading something about it but at the time I never touched a man nor has a man touched me. I eventually want to experience things and so that’s what I did and I freak out almost everyday form something I did almost a year ago. He told me on our first date that he had chicken pot scars from when he was a kid but I wasn’t paying attention but thinking back I’m scared. The man has children, he’s very clean and works really hard and he’s divorced. He has told me the last time we talked that he does have sex with other women but wears a condom. I asked him if he was clean of anything sexual and he kept reassuring me over and over. This is just scary and now I don’t want to have sex ever until I get blood test or something. I’m also waiting until marriage so I’m not the type to just go around you know

@Abree clarey And that's another reason OCD latched on to this situation so badly, because of your values. Because you value yourself and your body and because you value the thought of marriage with someone, who I hope deserves you. So, approach the test in that way, a responsible move for you and your future. I'm at the age where I go for blood work annually. Why, because it's responsible to be proactive about our health. Also, once the thoughts are calm, take a good look at your heart, are you able to allow yourself the grace to move forward.

@Someone99 Thank you so much ❤️

@Abree clarey Anytime. 🙂 Glad to earn your friendship

@Abree clarey So I was wondering, are you still possibly seeing that guy who took you to church a couple times? :-)

@Someone99 Yes We work together. I told him that I like him as a friend and I know he wants a relationship but I fear relationships so I don’t want to lead him on or anything. I love hanging out with him,our manager,her kid and his roommate. We go to church and eat out afterwards.

@Abree clarey That's awesome. 🙂

@Someone99 - Someone99 would you be kind to talk with me through my fear of STIs?

@Ihateoverthinking2003 Hey, you changed your nickname on here! How are you, any progress with the HIV test?

@Mike6060 Of course I will. What's going on?

@Someone99 Good morning and I never did it I honestly don’t believe I have it I just have moments where I freak out thinking I do

@Ihateoverthinking2003 Understand...good old OCD. Lol. I'm glad it seems you've leveled off with that at the moment. :-)

@Someone99 - ***Trigger Warning*** Just in case, for the others, I put trigger warning. I hope I can speak freely to you about the topic of STIs. I generally struggle with contamination-themed OCD for one but a big fear of STIs - mainly infecting other people before worrying for myself. I am afraid of having been infected with an STI and in turn had given it or will give it to someone else. (Just for context) I've been down the rabbit hole of searching for information to get the reassurance or knowledge (for certainty) so I can engage in sexual activity without fear or worry I have contracted an STI and could give it to someone else. Usually the searching happens after my perceived exposure. I say perceived exposure because a lot of the exposure I would mention wouldn't be a concern for others since it is not necessarily actual sex. How I went down the rabbit hole is because I joined this non-profit organization that has specialists who address your concerns of STI infection and ultimately tell you if your exposure was safe or not and give you a little information to help solidify that. However, I started out with a basic question on what is safe sex to get informed because the ignorance about it alone made me anxious. This was years ago. As I was getting answers, each of them was met with uncertainty. How did you or are you getting through the notion of asymptomatic infects (not knowing if you are infected and giving it to someone else), waiting period before you can get tested after exposure, etc. Do you or do you know of any people who get worried with modest touching - masturbation, etc.? Recently I got a massage at a spa - not one with happy endings, just an old-fashioned massage and I panicked after and continued to worry about "what if" I was touched in this certain place. My fear created the doubt and made it seem like it could've happened when it didn't and I couldn't shake it. Like a false memory element to it. This issue has largely impacted my life in so many ways. Would you care to share any progress you may had with this issue, insight, etc.? It's so lonely and isolating because the people around me seem like they don't care about this kind of thing, they don't understand why I have this fear especially because I am not having actual sex for the most part; I know people who are sexually active and in the past even reckless and they don't worry about this. A couple of them said they don't even or didn't get tested because they didn't have symptoms. With sincerity, Mike