false memory or repressed memory?

@Rayanswaid thank you- I just. it all feels so real, and hard to differentiate. and I can’t stand it- mainly because of the uncertainty. but also because it goes against who I am and I would not be able to live with myself. just like I can’t now knowing ‘what if’ it did happen.

@Casey-Lyn Knight thank you- but I just at the time would have been freshly post partum. and dealing with an abusive partner, lack of sleep, and post partum depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts and what nots. so I think about this- and then I’m like what if he manipulated me? (my partner) what if I just don’t was completely dissociated from long term abuse and being post partum? what if my brain finally feels safe now to ‘go over it’ bc I’m not in that state of survival anymore! I’m constantly going over it all. it keeps changing. I keep adding things. I keep getting confused with the thoughts im thinking now and it gets added into the the memory like they were thoughts then. it’s like my memories are all blending together! I don’t know how to stop. it’s there every minute of my life.

@scrambled - I hear you with this unclear uncertainty about whether a memory is real or a product of post partum depression/OCD/ or abuse... it's exhausting and deeply upsetting. Your experience of a thought evolving and gaining 'details' through rumination sounds incredibly challenging. Many people with OCD struggle with intense doubt about their thoughts and memories, sometimes referred to as 'false memories.' The anxiety and the urge to figure it all out can create a confusing loop where thoughts feel increasingly real, even if they contradict what you previously knew. We would need a clear assessment to be able to determine a diagnosis and thus how to best help you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at NOCD to find out how we can support you. In the meantime here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/what-are-intrusive-thoughts-and-are-they-normal https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/common-fears/what-if-i-have-committed-a-sin-and-dont-remember https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/intrusive-thoughts-normal/

@TrustGod24 thank you 🩷 I hope we can all truly heal from it all

@Angel20 I think this too, but then I think what if I’m only saying that because I don’t want it to be real so I’m gaslighting myself into saying ‘what if’ :( ugh. because it all genuinely makes sense but also doesn’t make sense. and it all is so confusing. I wish when I first had the intrusive thought I never pressed into it- but I’m in my healing stage of life and every time I rule it out and ‘grab a hold’ of reality 15m later I’m thinking about it all again. and what I thought of the last time, and time before, and now it’s all together. I swear OCD is about the worst thing. but also what if it’s not OCD. and I’m just guilty. im just riddled with anxiety. every second.

@scrambled This sounds exactly like me. I will logically reassure myself that this thought can’t be true and I may feel better momentarily but then the OCD will step in and suggest. Maybe I can’t deal with the truth and I’m just burying my head in the sand and in denial. I too wish I’d never ruminated on this thought as I’ve just gone further and further down the rabbit hole I’ve been dealing with it for weeks. It helps though to see that even though we don’t know what each other’s intrusive thoughts are, our response to them seems to be the same pattern which would suggest that this is OCD at play. Know that you are not alone.

@Angel20 yes, it’s nice knowing that I’m not alone. not that I want anyone else to deal with this at all, I wish none of us did. do you have like actual memories of it all? like vivid but also hazy memories? and like conversations? or are yours just thoughts? or do they also come with detailed like ‘memories’ I have a very vivid imagination and am able to picture things in my head.