So my now ex-bf exposed himself publicly.

Hi I was on here a few days ago talking about how I have POCD because of CSA & how I couldn’t trust my bf. I ended up telling him about this while we were out in nature one day, a pretty secluded area but there were still children visible in the area. We changed by holding a towel up around each other. That was a bit too much for me but I needed to change. He had to urinate and he went behind a tree but I told him just to go in the water because if anyone catches any glimpse of him on accident, it’s illegal and just wrong especially because there were kids across the river. I ended up confronting him about my OCD fears, which was causing me to distrust him (I don’t even trust my own brothers). This man was my first everything, I loved him so much I wanted to trust him so badly. He ended up being offended after I shared my fears. He was offended that I would ever think of him as someone who would hurt kids (like my dad did to me 💔. and yes, he knew what happened to me as a child before alllll of this happened so I though he would understand). He was so offended he told me it was time to go home. He changed in f*cking public. IN PUBLIC AFTER I TOLD HIM THAT CHILDREN MIGHT SEE. We drove 1hr+ back home in silence. It didn’t even process in my mind fully, after this happened I was texting him how much I loved him and didn’t want to break up. But as I started to think about that moment I just feel sick in my stomach. I hate myself I hate my l-fe I genuinely don’t want to b3 h3r3. I’m probably gonna get rid of myself. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even be in love in peace. I can’t nothing is normal in my life nobody is normal I can’t do this anymore

ThePheonix

Date posted: 25w

Just want to start by saying you are valuable and wanted, and life will always go on. If you are breathing you have a purpose. If you need serious help reach out to a health care professional please. Next I want to say that must be have been hard. I can’t begin to understand the trauma you have had to endure and live with. That obviously currently continues to shape your perspective on many things. I am sorry for this and I hope you are currently getting help processing this as I am sure this is so hard. Next, ocd is a nightmare. It can greatly exaggerate our internal fears or worries and it makes reality and thoughts hard to separate. As far as your boyfriend goes, I think he probably was upset by the accusation so to speak. It can be hard to hear that we aren’t trusted by loved ones, especially to that extent. I think in that situation really focusing on what happened is best. There was no intent of your boyfriend to do anything other than change. There were no consequences to this either. I am sure the fear of it being something more is hard to shake, but it is just that, fear. I think discussing this with your boyfriend would be helpful, and understanding most neurotypical people don’t even have this fear. You were both secluded and that should be enough. Our ocd makes the “should be” seem like a “cant be”. I wish you the best and hope you feel better and hope my words can help a little.

🫧🩷🪷

Date posted: 25w

@ThePheonix Thank you so much. We have officially broken up but I still love him and I feel guilty for it. But I can’t help it. He seemed like he loved me so much. We cried and we laughed together. He just never understood my brain. I want to believe him changing had no ill intent (in my heart I believe he did not have it) but my fear is just going crazy. It’s taking over me. All the moral scrupulosity, the potential outcomes. If I went back to him, would I be a weirdo who enables a grown adult from potentially exposing themselves in front of children (eve though I think the children left the area/could not see) even if he only had the intention to change? Honestly like I just hate that this even happened. I loved him but not enough to be with him if he’s anything like my OCD fears/obsessions are telling me. I promised myself since I was a young girl I would NEVER be like my mom, who KNEW what my dad was and LET it happened and RUBBED IT IN MY FACE. I feel like a sick person.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

@whatever. Hey girl, I know you are going through a really tough time right now and I am really sorry you are feeling like this. I just wanted to share my thoughts after reading what you wrote. It really sounds like you might be seeing this through an OCD lens, and I totally understand that because I do the same thing all the time. People change in front of others pretty often, even kids. That does not automatically make it sexual or inappropriate. Genitals are just body parts, and while society tends to sexualize them, not every situation involving them is inherently sexual. From what you described, it seems more likely that he was just changing and not doing anything with bad intentions. Yes, indecent exposure is a real thing and it can have consequences, but that does not automatically mean someone is being pervy or predatory. It can mean that, but it does not always. And you even pointed out that it was unlikely any child actually saw anything. So it is also possible that he checked first or that he just did not see it as a big deal. OCD loves to grab onto moments like that and spin them into the worst-case scenario. I know because mine does the same to me constantly. Honestly, I think you might be being overly cautious in a way that feels very driven by OCD. You have said you love him and it sounds like he really cared about you too. But it feels like OCD is the one talking here, not your true thoughts. OCD thrives on fear and doubt. It loves to take a small shred of uncertainty and stretch it until it becomes this huge overwhelming thing. But that is not reality. And the whole point of recovery is to not give into those fears or let OCD dictate what we do. Honestly, it sounds like everything was fine at first, but then you started ruminating and spiraled. OCD made the situation feel way worse than it actually was, and it seems like the breakup happened more because of the panic and overthinking than the actual event itself. You are not supposed to fully understand your brain or everything it does. That is part of the trap. OCD wants you to analyze and figure things out forever, but that just keeps you stuck. It gives you the illusion of control, but it actually makes everything worse over time. I am saying all of this because I have been there. My moral OCD is intense too, and it is always easier for me to see it in someone else than in myself. But reading your comment and hearing the way you describe things, it really sounds like OCD is calling the shots. I am also really sorry for what you went through as a kid. That kind of trauma definitely plays a role in how you are trying to protect yourself now. But if you keep letting OCD make your decisions, it is going to convince you that everyone is unsafe and every situation is dangerous, even when that is not true. You do not need to understand your brain completely, and your partner is not supposed to either. He is not responsible for tiptoeing around every single possible trigger. Of course it is important to be mindful and respectful, but triggers are part of life and part of healing. Our partners are not supposed to avoid them completely. In fact, my therapist has told me that partners will trigger us sometimes and that is actually a good thing for growth. We cannot live wrapped in bubble wrap if we want to get better. I really hope this does not come off harsh or mean. That is not what I want at all. I care and I just want to be honest. It sounds like things were going well and then OCD stepped in. You ruminated, you spiraled, and it led to a breakup that maybe didn’t need to happen. His reaction might not have been great, but it sounds more like it came from feeling hurt or frustrated than anything else. And that is valid. Our partners are allowed to feel hurt and confused by the accusations our OCD throws at them. I’ve been in similar situations with my boyfriend. Anyway, that is just my perspective. Let me know what you think. And please be kind to yourself through all of this. (I’m sorry this is so long!)

🫧🩷🪷

Date posted: 25w

@issphra 🫶🏻 Thank you so so so much. I always appreciate every person who tries to help me out! You delivered your message in a very kind way. I’m so thankful you even cared enough to listen. I will definitely try to calm down and percieve the situation more objectively. Thank you once again 💛

🫧🩷🪷

Date posted: 25w

I’m soooooooooooooo tired. I’m sooooooooooo tired. I’m soooooooooo tired. I’m soooooooo tired.

Seyt5847!1012

Date posted: 23w

I think my ocd lead to me being emotionally abused

Hi I’ve never posted before but I need to talk with other people that have this too because it’s hard to explain to other people without ocd. I was in a relationship for awhile and we started dating before either of us knew I had ocd. Anyway I have a really bad episode of it that led me to go get on medication and got into therapy. My ocd can have some really taboo themes and thoughts which I have learned is just what comes with the illness. The problem though is when I was really struggling one of my compulsions was confessing and reassurance seeking specifically to the guy I was dating because I trusted him. We both knew at this point that I had ocd and it affected many parts of our relationship particularly our intimacy which he made me feel bad about. He started calling me crazy, just joking, but still. Eventually I start feeling better and we start being intimate again and the day after he breaks up with me. About a month later after I hear he went on a date with another girl (we live together) he tells me he couldn’t be intimate with me because of my intrusive thoughts. We still live together with 2 other roommates so I still see him everyday. We try to be cordial with each other. I still have my moments though I’m still dealing with my ocd and a breakup seemingly caused by it and I cry a lot. Some months go by and he’s dating this other girl and I end up making out with one of my other roommates. I have no idea if my ex knew but the next day when it was only me in the house he starts screaming “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS” and starts slamming shit. I tell my roommate about this and he and I are both kind of scared of him. He started acting really cold to us after. Then the night before my graduation my two roommates moved out so it’s just me and my ex in the house. In the middle of the night he comes downstairs and in front of my door calls me a horrible name relating to my intrusive thoughts. I open the door and say fuck you and he says you took my fucking friends. I said I didn’t take shit from you and he says yeah and goes upstairs and screams BINGO for some reason. He did it in the middle of the night when we were alone and I had no one to talk to or go to. He blames me because a lot of our friends sided with me in the breakup because they knew what I was going through. He had told me that I could never speak if my intrusive thoughts to anyone including my therapist (I did don’t worry) but he had made me feel so ashamed more than I was already. Also the next day he left a mess for me to clean up since I was the last one to move out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that on top of this awful experience with ocd that I may have been emotionally abused as well.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 12w

my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

Aideeeen

Date posted: 11w

I feel like im losing my mind.

* Mentions of Sexual OCD, Hypersexuality, among other things. Recently, I had started to feel so much better, after trying to do some ERP therapy at home, i could feel myself becoming much more capable of holding back intrusive thoughts. Well since yesterday.. or, i dont know when, its been absolutely destroyed. About a month ago, I went out with some friends to the mall. everything was great, until while at the arcade, me and one of my friends tried pranking the other two by running off without them noticing. Well it backfired, one of the others went with him, and i was left with someone who i’ll just call J for the sake of simplicity. To cut it short, we had already pranked J earlier, so I stayed back to tell him about what we were trying to do, and things got weird. He started telling me to ‘go to the bathroom’ with him. I’ll admit that i didnt know what to say, i just felt off, but i wasnt going to do any of that. But i didnt say no. Long story short, i had to use the bathroom, so i left the arcade and went to another and luckily my friend distracted J so he wouldnt follow me in. I’d like to also add now that I have someone that i love dearly, me and him arent really together yet, but its a mutual thing. After that i cried when i returned home. and eventually i moved on, blocked the guy and everything. Now, i don’t know why, or how, but i cant stop having images in my head of what would’ve happened if i did do it. If i did go to the bathroom. And at the same time it shows me images of things happening in my own house, i see it in the shower, while on my couch, even while eating. And it doesnt stop at the sexual stuff, No. It shows me romantic versions of all this; hugging, kissing, holding hands, and in the background it mostly shows sexual scenes. All while giving me groinal responses and weird sensations that are akin to attraction of some kind. Im losing my mind trying to get it to stop. Its eating me alive, and its gotten to the point where i feel like im cheating on my partner. And my mind keeps tellint me that i actually dont love my partner, that I should’ve just gone along with what J was saying, and its making me feel like i dont really love my partner. That i should just unblock and text J. Its making me feel like ive fallen out of love and i dont know why, what if i did fall out of love? what if i end up doing something wrong, or making the wrong choice? Im scared of not loving my partner. I love my partner too much to lose him to this bullcrap. Has anyone else dealt with this? I feel lost and I dont know what to do. I cant even think about my own partner, not even about me hugging him, it gets replaced with J, everytime i try to think about anything it gets replaced in some way with something related to J. Even if i see a show, and i see someone that reminds me of J i instantly start getting intrusive thoughts and images. I feel so horrible, i feel like I’ve failed my relationship somehow. I dont know what to do.

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So my now ex-bf exposed himself publicly.

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