Avoidance attachment fear

I’ve been seeing tons and tons of videos about avoidant attachments on TikTok a lot! And lieterally all day I was overthinking and crying. I’m not sure if I have avoidance attachment I never got deeper into the meaning of it until yesterday and I’ve seen so many comments about it. I’m starting to think what if I’m one? Is I am how do I change? I fear relationships, I am very independent and will only ask for help if needed. This God at my job likes me and I like the way he acts and he wants a relationship which I’ve already made a few post about him. When we went to church the second time I held his hands and hugged him but I still doubted his looks . He’s not ugly but I don’t think he’s my type so I apologized for holding his hands because I don’t want to lead him on. I have prayed multiple prayers if he’s the one for me. After seeing those avoidant attachment videos I’m afraid I act this way toward the guy that likes me. Then when I ask myself “well do you like him” I get filled with anxiety. I’m not rushing in a relationship but I want to love someone not just someone loving me. Please tell me someone understands.?

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

Man i really feel bad for this generation that has to grow up with such trash and toxic influences such as Tik Tok. I don't use tik tok anymore because of how horrible it was for my mental health. Millions of people get on there and regurgitate some condition they read about online somewhere, or flat out make one up. Iv never even heard of avoidant attachment but this is the second post iv seen on this site referring to it. I just had to google it to know what it was and i have a Bachelors degree in Sociology and a Minor in Psychology... So what i understand. its not a disorder, its an "attachment style" that basically means you don't want to be with our around people due to the preference of being by yourself. So by you saying you WANT to be in a relationship, you WANT to love somoen, you pretty much just excluded yourself of avoidant attachment. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. if you like somoen, you have to give yourself a chance to get to know them. go on a few dates, talk, go out to eat. If you're not feeling it, then you just let them know so, but you can't know if someone is THE ONE after going to church a couple times and holding hands. my BIGGEST advice would be to get off that trash app. its rotting the brain of its users. Life is supposed to be lived, not avoided. take chances, make mistakes, get messy ( 10 points if you know that reference). long story short, if you don't WANT to avoid people, you're not this.... avoidant attachment nonsense.

abreeclarey

Date posted: 16w

@TexasOCD41 Thank you!!! TikTok really has me overthinking so much and I hate it but it is my choice if I want to listen to and I choose not to anymore. I even started hitting the “not interested button” and or blocking all of content

TexasOCD41

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

@Abree clarey I would just delete it. I grew up with out it ( I’m 34) and life is so much better lived in the present than thru a screen. I read books, do crafts, exercise, watch movies, garden.”, go to concerts, see friends. I neglected all of that when I had tik tok. You want a disorder to be concerned about? It’s dopamine addiction. I still struggle with it with facebook and IG but those are nothing compared to how horrible tik tok was.

abreeclarey

Date posted: 16w

@TexasOCD41 I also have it worse with google

djflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w

@Abree clarey - I'm not on TikTok so I don't know what kind of content they put out about this stuff (I'm going to take a guess that it isn't very accurate, and pretty sensational). But I just want to clarify a few things here. Attachment styles aren't disorders, nor are they total nonsense. It's a pretty well-documented, evidence-based theory that's been around for nearly 60 years, regarding how our childhood upbringing affects our adult relationships. The categories can be helpful for figuring out how we can feel safe and comfortable in our relationships, but they can easily turn counter-productive if you pathologize yourself with them. Avoidant attachment doesn't mean that you just "want to be alone" or that you "can't love" someone. It's more complicated than that. It refers to an attachment style where you more easily feel overwhelmed or smothered by relationships, due to certain needs that weren't met in childhood. That doesn't mean you don't want a relationship or that you don't love people, just that you require more space in order to feel safe and comfortable with someone. So even if someone fits into this avoidant style (I'm not saying you do or you don't, and it's never really a 100% yes or no kind of thing), things aren't hopeless by any means. They can still have relationships if they want them, it would just be better to have them with people who tend to have a more secure attachment style, and won't become overly-anxious at any sign of distancing. Again, I'm not saying that you do or don't have this attachment style. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. I'm just saying that it's not a horrible thing if you do. It's said that half of the population has some sort of insecure attachment style (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized), and counselors/therapists would probably argue it's much higher than that. They aren't diseases or death sentences, it's just part of being human. It's not meant to be a shameful thing, just informative. You can also learn to be more secure over time, regardless of your dominant attachment style. It's easy to latch onto this kind of stuff with OCD, because it's inherently gray and fuzzy, with no purely right or wrong answers. Look into ERP or ACT therapy if you haven't already, so you can learn to be more comfortable with uncertainty. Wishing you all the best!

Hailey.7e

Date posted: 25w

Why am I so scared of abandonment?

I have had multiple experiences where I was too clingy or literally cried when someone i have known for 3 days stops talking to me. I have fixated on the idea that I am never going to be in a happy relationship so anytime someone is nice to me I hold my breath hoping we will fall in love and get married, even if don't know eachother. I find myself over looking qualities that I usually would not like and constantly seeking their validation.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

I feel like I don’t love him sometimes 💔

I realized I’ve depended a lot on my boyfriend for comfort through my ocd, and I’m starting to feel like even before my ocd I was paying more attention to the relationship itself more than him, or the attachment: even though I remember distinct feelings of me wanting to be with him forever, and feeling so happy and complete with him, time didn’t exist, I felt like my most authentic self. So now I’m trying to create a healthy attachment and see him as his own person, which was helping at first, but now it feels as if I’m seeing that I don’t actually love him for him, the thought of moving forward in life without him breaks my heart and I don’t want to but my mind keeps telling me that I want it because of the attachment. He’s the exact type of person and partner I would want but it feels like whatever I feel is not enough.. But I DO experience moments of affection and care and admiration for him but they don’t last long..before I started making this shift in perspective even with the ocd I was still so sure and confident in moving forward with him, I felt so much like I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. But now that I’ve made this shift it feels like I’m seeing him from a whole different place. Like all those good and happy feelings I had for him are gone now and I don’t have any confidence in what I want anymore. Before I did feel confident that I wanted to be with him but now it feels like there’s this wall between him and me :( I want to be with him I know I do, because even now I still feel the desire to keep going, but I can’t see the future anymore or the confidence to keep going. I was never much of a future thinker, even in my personal life but this feels like added proof I feel like I’m alone in this like no one else has this situation and the chances for me to realize after I recover that I don’t actually love him are so much higher 💔

abreeclarey

Date posted: 19w

Overthinking this guy again…

Every time we go out together and it’s not just us it’s also our manager and her son and his (the guy I’m talking to) roommate. We went to church one time alone. But my thing is I keep overthinking “am I leading him on” I still don’t know what to feel just and I’ve never been in a relationship. When we see each other we hold hands and and hug but I don’t want to kiss just yet even though I get the feeling to because I want to take it very slow especially when. I’m constantly overthinking everything. We hang out and I’m having a good time and then I go home and overthink a lot. It’s worse when I’m overthinking when waking up. Has anyone else experienced this. Like we’re friends right now but does anyone think it’s to soon to be holding hands and hugging. We held hands the second time meeting because I’m aware I want to take things slow. When I see him I get happy. I keep seeking reassurance from my mom, sister and google (of course) and I keep seeing post that you shouldn’t lead someone on and you can’t force to like someone. I overthink and then I’m calm and the thoughts start again. I really don’t want to hurt this guy he is so sweet and caring

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Avoidance attachment fear

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