Advice

I have been constantly ruminating about if God wants me to be with my boyfriend. I am so hyper fixated on Gods will for my life that I often overthink every move. I have constant “what if” thoughts or “if God wanted him in your life you wouldn’t be having these thoughts”. I can’t differentiate Gods voice with my thoughts. What if this is God speaking? I also keep seeing TikToks that say if God wanted this person in your life they wouldn’t do blah blah blah. I am just not sure what to think anymore. I want to be with my boyfriend and he wants to be with me. However, as of lately we have been having some issues because we show our love differently. Then I see these TikToks saying that the right person will love you the way you need to be loved naturally, nothing will ever need to be forced, rhat I’m forcing a rib into the wrong man, etc. and then I’m like is this God talking through these videos saying I shouldn’t be with my boyfriend? I am not sure what to think. I just feel like my mind is in a constant spiral and I get so confused.

Recently, I have been obsessing big time over being the best girlfriend I can be and being the best Christian I can be at the same time. Its rough since I always have these lingering thoughts that I’m leading me and my boyfriend down a path of sin by being more passionate to the point of having lustful intrusive thoughts when with him sometimes despite the fact that we’re both not wanting to go past pretty passionate kissing. For some extra context here, I’ve grown up in a Christian household my whole life and over the past few years, have been getting progressively more interested in my faith after temporarily abandoning it. It’s been tricky knowing what’s okay and what’s not okay to do, especially since I don’t view it as a religion necessarily but more like me wanting to get to know my creator better, show how thankful I am to be here/have everyone who is in my life and show said thankfulness by being as devoted as possible while still being who I am to my core. As for my relationship, I have been with my bf for almost 6 months now and he’s made me the happiest girl in the world, constant hugs, kisses, sweet little gestures that make my heart melt, caring comfort, the purest of love in my opinion and I’m so blessed to have him as my partner. Unfortunately though, I’m always worrying about him and our future together and how this will work since he himself isn’t a Christian. A lot of people who aren’t Christian’s won’t understand this logic but my brain always goes to 2 places. 1 is possible disagreements we may have about how we want our lives to go since I don’t want to hold him back from what he truly desires. That though, may not always align with what I have in place for my life. 2, quite frankly the worst one, is worrying about my bf not going to a good place after he dies. Now, this is not because of him as a person (he’s the best, very kind, sweet, supportive and loyal) but rather, because of rejecting God from coming into his life, and that scares me more than anything. Basically, I was taught that going to heaven is accepting God into your life and having your sins forgiven, and if you don’t, your rejecting the one thing that can take away all your imperfections and make you whole once more, which leads you to not fully making the mark despite me practically begging on my knees that it wasn’t this way for the sake of others who may not view things the same as me (no disrespect towards others btw, I love and respect people no matter what the believe or do). Does that make me sound judgmental? Yea, it probably does, but I swear, I wish it wasn’t this way. Based on what I’ve come to understand as a believer in God and Jesus, it’s not that simple. Knowing that, there’s 2 things that I mainly worry about due to the context and concerns I have. I worry about being a bad influence and Christian as a whole because of how much I struggle with my mental health and how much I fall to my own imperfections. I try and I try but I never feel like I’m good enough, that I’m probably a lukewarm Christian (iykyk) and that even I won’t go to heaven because of my own doubts and mistakes. I pray constantly for reassurance and for peace so I can be with my bf and even by myself and not feel this overwhelming weight crushing my shoulders constantly. It’s scary, not knowing what to do, how to feel, if what I’m feeling is okay or not, etc. Idk if anyone else is in my shoes, whether they are worried about being a not good enough person, not strong enough in your beliefs, or even loving someone and worrying for them and their future to such an extreme extent. If there’s anyone out there who might have some advice to make the fear fade away, even if it’s a little bit, I would be forever grateful. Before I end this, I just want to say your are loved and appreciated for who you are and nothing will change that fact, even if you may not feel that way, I’ve been coming to accept that the more the years go by and I wish for everyone to know this. Anyways, God bless and hope everyone has an amazing day/night. ❤️

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.