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Oof. You are making so much effort to be kind. Most people with narcissistic parents do go through some anger, and your parents’ good intentions don’t negate the effect your childhood had on you. I am coming back from the anger phase where I’ve distanced myself, now to “we needed to have very different paths in life but I still admire you as a person and see you in me.”

Parent issues. I feel this all deeply and I’m sorry you did not get your needs met and you continue to not get your needs met. Boundaries are important. You don’t have to put up with poor behavior and you can limit your interactions. I felt like I owed my parents everything. I put their needs ahead of mine so much that I didn’t realize I had needs. When I started putting up boundaries, I felt guilty and selfish. But protecting yourself isn’t selfish at all. Your goal doesn’t need to be nicer and more understanding of your mom, but of yourself. It’s not your responsibility to make her feel better. It really isn’t. If you’ve been hard on her, it’s not out of meanness but frustration and maybe resentment. She doesn’t have a motherly instinct. Is she going to bring that up to you in the future and make you feel guilty for saying it? My parents would. It’s not our job to make them feel better about how they raised us. How many times have I heard my father say, sarcastically, “Oh, you had such a terrible childhood!” On the surface, it was fine—but I was emotionally neglected. And I’ve had to re-parent myself. It hasn’t been easy. And I still have work to do. Find people you *can* have deep loving conversations with and who will give you the support you need. Don’t settle for less.

Just want to add that it’s good to see your mom as human and flawed…to have compassion for what she went through. But you went through things too. Is she taking responsibility for her behavior? Is she trying to grow as a person? You obviously are. I hope you start to feel better soon.