Huge tw I’m so scared I’m a r*pist people have told me I am. I wanted to lose my virginity when I was 19 I felt embarrassed and ashamed I hadn’t. I decided to get drunk and find someone in a club to lose it to. I don’t remember much other than I was happy it was finally happening and remember thinking my plan had worked. I was told by friends that the other person was drunk and possibly on drugs. I must be a r*pist as I knew what I was doing and instigated it, I took advantage and used someone. I feel sick and don’t deserve to move on I can’t even apologies as it was a complete stranger what if they’re living with trauma because of me.

when you say im not a r*pist in the way people mean, does that still make me a r*pist in other ways?

@hi3456 Someone calling you a rapist based on your side of the story feels like a big stretch. It’s similar to people saying I'm "not a real Asian" because I'm born in America while also being told "not a real American" because my parents aren't born here. People may ignore real definitions and just judge based on bias or buzz words. Labels like that shouldn’t erase context or truth. Real predators show entitlement, not remorse, and even if anyone tries to act innocent, no one can keep pretending to be kind just like a kind person can't keep pretending to be mean. Even if their logic or OCD sounds convincing, it ignores real definitions and personal truth. Only those involved truly carry the weight of what happened and how to move forward. Intent matters, and based on what you shared, you didn’t act with harm or malice. You don’t fit the true meaning of a rapist. I've witnessed including myself while sober if the act was actually consensual and had to check in what occurred happened the way I remember it. That's how humans are trying to hold space to care for the other person to make sure we're on the same track or to make any adjustments once. It's not meant to condemn, it's just communication etiquette and learning. Just some people including a consensual party may alter the story whether out of misunderstanding, misguided, malice, or even mentally ill (their brain cannot register the same event the way a video camera does). You will not be the first nor last questioned on your actions no matter how big or miniscule, so forgiveness is more important and better tool for learning than obeying ambiguous "almost". Those who are educated, trained, or experienced still struggle finding proper etiquette because humans be using different languages, complex, and changing rules. Note it's OK to change decisions, not make a boundary and change it after the decision is done. Example of my experience was I was told if a guy buys you dinner he gets to sleep with you, I declined and asked what if I did. He said if he does sleeps with me, it means I'm loose and lied to him being pure (no where did I insinuated this) so I'm supposed to pay back the cash he used for my meal. Rare case but miracles of wonder goes both ways, see great wonders of how great humanity can be and wonder how the heck humans procreate to have reached to witness this interaction. Just like this awful date, treat it as a passing lesson, remember what you want to do and you don't have to remember how it came to be.