Huge tw I’m so scared I’m a r*pist people have told me I am. I wanted to lose my virginity when I was 19 I felt embarrassed and ashamed I hadn’t. I decided to get drunk and find someone in a club to lose it to. I don’t remember much other than I was happy it was finally happening and remember thinking my plan had worked. I was told by friends that the other person was drunk and possibly on drugs. I must be a r*pist as I knew what I was doing and instigated it, I took advantage and used someone. I feel sick and don’t deserve to move on I can’t even apologies as it was a complete stranger what if they’re living with trauma because of me.

Tw* abuse / coercion I recently broke up with an ex we were on and off five years. I woke up this morning with disturbing memories of things that he did. Previous of my ex I dated a guy in 9th grade who took advantage of me he asked me to perform an ( oral act) I didn’t know how to do. I agreed and he was rough with me eventually I told him to stop multiple times and eventually I was able to break myself free from him. Now my ex of 5 years we made out a lot but we hadn’t made it to a certain part. In public he would always groupe me and when we would go back to his car to make out ( I was 14 he was 17). As teenagers I didn’t have a problem about the making out we were both horny teens but my issue was this one night. I remember the exact date we made out but he was more aggressive then he usually was and he wanted to take things further I told him no I’m not ready for that. Every time I said no he would make out with me more aggressively to change my mind and at some point we both ended up in our underwear. He then kept begging me to basically ( continue with the rest of it ) I told him no multiple times until I eventually gave in and said yes because he wouldn’t budge to me saying no and every time I did he would make out with me more aggressively. Once I said yes the rest was history. I remember that night I layed in bed crying and my skin felt disgusting like I wanted to rip it off. I slept there with no blanket without changing my clothes because I felt shame. Now that I left him finally I still get disturbing memories of that night and the other times after that he would beg me to do acts and if I kept saying no he would grab me aggressively or groupe me aggressively. I have never told anyone in my life this story because idk how they would react to this. I feel like I was sexually coerced and abused and he will do it with another girl. And I blame myself for thinking he would ever change. Prior to me breaking up with him we would make out but even when I told him no he would start kissing me aggressively until I gave in and when I denied it all together he would act like a baby. I hold myself accountable for us making out but sometimes I didn’t want to and he would ignore that. Other times he would groupe me in public and make out with me then beg for head. Sometimes I wish I had someone to guide me and teach me about people like this because I am an older sister of sisters. I have a father that I am not close with and he’s narcissistic like my ex. I just hate the memories because they literally come at any part of the day. I feel like some of the things he did to me I forgot some of them and that’s why they come back.

Hate myself for who I used to be. I used to sleep around. I drove drunk a couple times. I was careless. I’m so ashamed because it’s not who I am and especially not who I am now. I did it because I was lonely. And now I suffer not knowing if I hit or killed or hurt someone. This pain is just draining.

Hey, was hoping someone could resonate with what I’m thinking / feeling. Apologies as it will probably be a long one! Has anyone else had a constant rumination over “consent” me and my partner had a situation two years ago, we were went on a night out, were both pretty drunk (me more than him, but both had quite a bit to drink) had a big argument- we got home and went to bed, in the night, I was half awake, heard him saying my name, I didn’t respond so he rolled over, later on mabye like 10 mins, he said my name again- from his memory, I responded and we were “intimate” how we usually would be, and he said I seemed how I usually would, responded like I typically would and was involved and participating, I woke up the next day, could remember little bits of things, but very very minimal stuff- we talked about it and he was really gutted and listened to the fact I was worried that I couldn’t remember everything, he was so upset- (I don’t think it’s totally unusual for me not to remember intercourse, especially after a few drinks) he totally understood and tbh has dealt with my boundaries perfectly since. At the time I went through a really really bad stage of extreme anxiety and rumination over it (iv also got a bit of trauma with this topic from previous relationships) And it was taking over my life, I posted in a girls group I was in what the situation was, most of the people said that mabye it’s just a bit of boundary setting but it dosent seem like anything was intentional and he seems like a good person who cares about me (which he is) - there was one girl, who replied, and the reply was that I should go to the police, and it was r*p* and that it was taken advantage and all this really strong stuff, obviously being the way I am, my brain has absolutely clung to that comment, and two years down the line, i still cannot shake it off- I know who he is; and I know he’s respectful and is an all round good partner, but the what ifs, doubting, and that comment are still taking over my life to this day. I just don’t know what to think and how to feel anymore 😞 If you managed to read it all, I appreciate it! I know it’s not short so thank you 😊