- Date posted
- 16w
- Date posted
- 16w
You’re not a rapist in the way people usually mean, which is someone who forces or plans to harm others through sexual acts. You made a plan while sober, which people expect you to be your responsibility, but it’s also understandable you were young and inexperienced as a virgin, you couldn’t have fully understood the risks. You didn’t set out to hurt anyone. It’s painful when realizing the possibility that harm might have happened, but your guilt shows that you care and want to do better. You deserve to heal, learn from this, and keep making better choices moving forward. The label others have given you isn’t a thoughtful or helpful way to guide you, especially since you can't apologize or even know for certain how the other person felt. It's between you and them, and without knowing their experience, you can't fully process it through confrontation or closure. Getting feedback from others can be helpful for refining your life choices, but in the end, they weren’t there, and most people aren’t great at giving advice without judgment. You’re doing the real work by reflecting and trying not to repeat, and that matters.
- Date posted
- 16w
when you say im not a r*pist in the way people mean, does that still make me a r*pist in other ways?
- Date posted
- 16w
@hi3456 Someone calling you a rapist based on your side of the story feels like a big stretch. It’s similar to people saying I'm "not a real Asian" because I'm born in America while also being told "not a real American" because my parents aren't born here. People may ignore real definitions and just judge based on bias or buzz words. Labels like that shouldn’t erase context or truth. Real predators show entitlement, not remorse, and even if anyone tries to act innocent, no one can keep pretending to be kind just like a kind person can't keep pretending to be mean. Even if their logic or OCD sounds convincing, it ignores real definitions and personal truth. Only those involved truly carry the weight of what happened and how to move forward. Intent matters, and based on what you shared, you didn’t act with harm or malice. You don’t fit the true meaning of a rapist. I've witnessed including myself while sober if the act was actually consensual and had to check in what occurred happened the way I remember it. That's how humans are trying to hold space to care for the other person to make sure we're on the same track or to make any adjustments once. It's not meant to condemn, it's just communication etiquette and learning. Just some people including a consensual party may alter the story whether out of misunderstanding, misguided, malice, or even mentally ill (their brain cannot register the same event the way a video camera does). You will not be the first nor last questioned on your actions no matter how big or miniscule, so forgiveness is more important and better tool for learning than obeying ambiguous "almost". Those who are educated, trained, or experienced still struggle finding proper etiquette because humans be using different languages, complex, and changing rules. Note it's OK to change decisions, not make a boundary and change it after the decision is done. Example of my experience was I was told if a guy buys you dinner he gets to sleep with you, I declined and asked what if I did. He said if he does sleeps with me, it means I'm loose and lied to him being pure (no where did I insinuated this) so I'm supposed to pay back the cash he used for my meal. Rare case but miracles of wonder goes both ways, see great wonders of how great humanity can be and wonder how the heck humans procreate to have reached to witness this interaction. Just like this awful date, treat it as a passing lesson, remember what you want to do and you don't have to remember how it came to be.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 16w
It’s possible to forgive yourself for the events of the past and move forward according to your values without having absolute certainty about what happened. No one can know for sure what took place — so torturing yourself about it serves no one. Moving forward according to your strong ethics values helps you and those around you. Can you imagine a world where you accept uncertainty on the issue and let the past event remind you of your true values going forward?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
I'm worried that I sexual assulted or r*ped my dog when I was 17 and I'm 18 now. This memory, has came up multiple and changes rapidly, it says that I was also saying very disturbing things to the dog, calling her good and weird disgusting things like that. I don't know if I can live with myself if this is true.
- Date posted
- 21w
Tw* abuse / coercion I recently broke up with an ex we were on and off five years. I woke up this morning with disturbing memories of things that he did. Previous of my ex I dated a guy in 9th grade who took advantage of me he asked me to perform an ( oral act) I didn’t know how to do. I agreed and he was rough with me eventually I told him to stop multiple times and eventually I was able to break myself free from him. Now my ex of 5 years we made out a lot but we hadn’t made it to a certain part. In public he would always groupe me and when we would go back to his car to make out ( I was 14 he was 17). As teenagers I didn’t have a problem about the making out we were both horny teens but my issue was this one night. I remember the exact date we made out but he was more aggressive then he usually was and he wanted to take things further I told him no I’m not ready for that. Every time I said no he would make out with me more aggressively to change my mind and at some point we both ended up in our underwear. He then kept begging me to basically ( continue with the rest of it ) I told him no multiple times until I eventually gave in and said yes because he wouldn’t budge to me saying no and every time I did he would make out with me more aggressively. Once I said yes the rest was history. I remember that night I layed in bed crying and my skin felt disgusting like I wanted to rip it off. I slept there with no blanket without changing my clothes because I felt shame. Now that I left him finally I still get disturbing memories of that night and the other times after that he would beg me to do acts and if I kept saying no he would grab me aggressively or groupe me aggressively. I have never told anyone in my life this story because idk how they would react to this. I feel like I was sexually coerced and abused and he will do it with another girl. And I blame myself for thinking he would ever change. Prior to me breaking up with him we would make out but even when I told him no he would start kissing me aggressively until I gave in and when I denied it all together he would act like a baby. I hold myself accountable for us making out but sometimes I didn’t want to and he would ignore that. Other times he would groupe me in public and make out with me then beg for head. Sometimes I wish I had someone to guide me and teach me about people like this because I am an older sister of sisters. I have a father that I am not close with and he’s narcissistic like my ex. I just hate the memories because they literally come at any part of the day. I feel like some of the things he did to me I forgot some of them and that’s why they come back.
- Date posted
- 14w
Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on
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