Tw I am so scared

I dont want to make excuses. I was a coward.And even now Idk what to do exactly.I dont know what to say to them and I dont want to make them remember.I know I made a big mistake..And I feel like this can't be forgiven or that I could forgive myself.I really want to help people in the present.But these thoughts haunt me and they make me think I am a monster for thinking them.

@💛 Thank you.I just ruminate very much .I did for years.And it didnt help anyone.Is just difficult to move on.I am trying to forgive myself but sometimes is overwhelming.And I feel like I wear a mask(pretending I am a good person when I am not)

@💛 Thank you ! I really hope I am .Thank u sm for your advice

@Brooks Gale Could I ask you a question please

Thank u very much!

@Anony1314 - Yes.

@Brooks Gale Is this a compulsion? Like I didn't realize compulsions can be something like this? Not looking for reassurance but just wondering if that sounds accurate? Thanks guys! I know I'll never get the certainty I want, but I want to feel safe to be around my nephew again. I was holding my nephew, he's a baby, and he was getting hungry so he started squirming around and grazed my chest (yes I was fully clothed). Of course, that innocent contact caused very intense groinals.. It made me feel just anxious and very weird, and without thinking, I moved him away from me and then moved him back closer to my chest( automatic reaction) (at least felt that way) to make the feeling continue I guess. It was such an anxious all over my body feeling that all happened within seconds. I was so anxious and triggered by that feeling. It's like my groinals were so intense I automatically leaned into them without thinking a second thought? It was so very intense and automatic So I ended up having another anxious feeling all over my body and then the feeling went away. After I got realization as to what was going on, I put the baby down and realized what had happened then panicked so much. Still am.

@Anony1314 - It takes a lot of courage to open up about these fears. Intrusive thoughts can feel very real and distressing, but they are not a reflection of your true self or your morals. If you are speaking of the avoidance - putting the baby down due to anxiety - then that can definitely be a compulsion. Wanting to help and support others shows your true character. Help is here at NOCD and we can assist you in finding outside help if needed too. Also here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-importance-of-self-compassion-when-you-have-ocd/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/breaking-the-silence-on-taboo-intrusive-thoughts-a-conversation-with-chrissie-hodges/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/i-wouldnt-be-here-without-specialized-ocd-therapy/

@Brooks Gale Thank you again for your response and the resources you shared — I really appreciate the support and compassion. I wanted to clarify my original message, because I think I may not have explained it as clearly as I intended. I wasn’t just asking about the avoidance part (putting the baby down), but more specifically about what happened right before that. After I felt an intense groinal response while holding my nephew, I instinctively moved him away from me. But then, I had an urge to move him back toward my chest, and I followed through on that. It felt automatic and driven by anxiety — almost like I was chasing or checking the sensation. It all happened very quickly and left me feeling deeply panicked and confused afterward. I’m trying to understand whether that urge and response to move him back could be considered a compulsion — even if it felt automatic and was not a fully conscious decision. I’m not looking for reassurance about what it “means” about me, but more for clarity around whether that kind of behavior fits within the OCD cycle — possibly as a checking or testing compulsion. Thanks again for your time and support. It means a lot to have a space where I can ask these questions without judgment.

@Anony1314 - I'm sorry for the the mix up. I was not 100% sure. Checking can be a compulsion with OCD.

@Brooks Gale It's okay. No need to apologize! So it's a compulsion too? I do have POCD.

@Brooks Gale Confirming I'm understanding you correctly: Moving the baby back because of an urge to get that feeling again without thinking is a compulsion?

@Anony1314 - Compulsions can feel automatic at times. If it was meant to check. We'd love to have you book an appointment.

@Brooks Gale Thank you. Can it not feel like a check and still be one?

@Brooks Gale I really need to know this sir. I wasn't even thinking it was an automatic movement to re-feel the feeling again. I felt terrible about it immediately after and didn't understand why I let it happen.

@Anony1314 - OCD often targets the things we care about most, making us doubt ourselves and our intentions. The guilt and fear you feel are signs of your strong values, not evidence that you are a bad person. I would suggest you get an appointment with someone to find further clarification. Sometimes unpacking this will take a live session. Also here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/the-importance-of-self-compassion-when-you-have-ocd/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/breaking-the-silence-on-taboo-intrusive-thoughts-a-conversation-with-chrissie-hodges/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/i-wouldnt-be-here-without-specialized-ocd-therapy/

@Brooks Gale Thank you so much, Brooks. That really resonates — especially the part about OCD targeting what we care about most. I think that’s what makes this so painful and confusing. I’ll look into scheduling a live session to explore this further. Just one last clarification: Is it still considered a compulsion even if the act (like moving the baby) felt instinctive or subtle — not like a dramatic, conscious check? I want to better understand the difference between normal caretaking and OCD-driven behavior.