Autistic/Audhd people in the house 🙋🏽‍♀️

Tw* abuse / coercion I recently broke up with an ex we were on and off five years. I woke up this morning with disturbing memories of things that he did. Previous of my ex I dated a guy in 9th grade who took advantage of me he asked me to perform an ( oral act) I didn’t know how to do. I agreed and he was rough with me eventually I told him to stop multiple times and eventually I was able to break myself free from him. Now my ex of 5 years we made out a lot but we hadn’t made it to a certain part. In public he would always groupe me and when we would go back to his car to make out ( I was 14 he was 17). As teenagers I didn’t have a problem about the making out we were both horny teens but my issue was this one night. I remember the exact date we made out but he was more aggressive then he usually was and he wanted to take things further I told him no I’m not ready for that. Every time I said no he would make out with me more aggressively to change my mind and at some point we both ended up in our underwear. He then kept begging me to basically ( continue with the rest of it ) I told him no multiple times until I eventually gave in and said yes because he wouldn’t budge to me saying no and every time I did he would make out with me more aggressively. Once I said yes the rest was history. I remember that night I layed in bed crying and my skin felt disgusting like I wanted to rip it off. I slept there with no blanket without changing my clothes because I felt shame. Now that I left him finally I still get disturbing memories of that night and the other times after that he would beg me to do acts and if I kept saying no he would grab me aggressively or groupe me aggressively. I have never told anyone in my life this story because idk how they would react to this. I feel like I was sexually coerced and abused and he will do it with another girl. And I blame myself for thinking he would ever change. Prior to me breaking up with him we would make out but even when I told him no he would start kissing me aggressively until I gave in and when I denied it all together he would act like a baby. I hold myself accountable for us making out but sometimes I didn’t want to and he would ignore that. Other times he would groupe me in public and make out with me then beg for head. Sometimes I wish I had someone to guide me and teach me about people like this because I am an older sister of sisters. I have a father that I am not close with and he’s narcissistic like my ex. I just hate the memories because they literally come at any part of the day. I feel like some of the things he did to me I forgot some of them and that’s why they come back.

♦️Long post alert!!♦️ I had been meetin a guy for 1 year, meeting in the sense- we had regular chats on messenger, sometimes we had coffees and meals together at restaurants. We attended the same university club, so we had meetings and conversation there as well. Thus we grew quite close relationship, however none of us expressed our feelings yet. At the end of that year, analyzing all his behaviours, treatments towards me, my friends and even his friends-it seemed I won't like to extend this relationship into a committed one. I mean though I had grown lingering feelings towards him, I would stop it here and won't let it rise anymore. I guessed reducing chat and not meeting him often would make him distant from me. I knew he will definitely inquery me of what's the matter, what's wrong with me. But i didn't want to mention his shortcomings are the reason for it because I didn't want to hurt him or loosen up his confidence. So I was looking for an excuse which will be believable as well as not realated to him. Luckily i already had a valid reason, which was not related to him too. I was going through a big OCD relapse. At that time I really wanted to keep myself distant from anyone around me. I didn't want to talk to my friends either. So,I put forward this reason for not wanting to talk much often like before. But he was overwhelmed by my sudden change of behaviour. May be he had sensed something is off. It's not all about my OCD relapse. However I avoided chat with him as much as possible for the next 1.5 years (2020 and 2021). Not meeting him physically was also easy since it was covid and lockdown period. But suddenly one day he posted a very heartwrenching poem where he described how much he was missing me and suffering from the distance. This triggered immense guilt within me for raising his hope once (by doing all those flirty conversation over the last year). I was engulfed in the thought how I can make him move on and free from the feelings towards me. And what seemed a good way at that time was,to make me a 'nasty person' before him. So I told him, all those flirty talks that i used to do 2 years ago was because I wanted a casual relationship, nothing serious. I wanted physical relationship. But when i understood you were not after physical relation, rather you were searchin for true love, i discontinued to flirt with you, stopped talking in a cheesy way. He was in utmost shock, don't know how much of his feelings has been decrrased towards me, if i am successful or not. 2 years have passed since I told him those words. When I shared this story with one of my former therapists (not from NOCD), se told me,"Your lies would imply to him that, girls won't love him if he doesn't offer them sex. So in his further relations he might pressurize the girl to initiate a physical relationship. You need to tell him the truth that you had feelings for him but later you felt he is not the right person". This words have come as a terrifying fact to me.on one hand, I don't want any girl to be abused by him when i am the person who is the root cause behind this abuse.. Because I am the person who implied some false messages (though unintentionally) to that guy. I really don't want that. On the other hand, it's already been about 2 years since i told him those words. If i again tell him, those were lies too, now this is the truth that I had feelings and all that... he won't stand still. He would get another shock and i will be embarrased horribly. Also i am confused, whether my words really imply to a boy that girls won't love him if he doesn't involve in sex? Do my words invoke abuse by hin to other girls? I just wanted to make myself a nasty girl to him, don't my words imply this?

So I have POCD & now ROCD because I’m in my first relationship. My boyfriend is a few years older than me and was born and raised in Turkey before he came to the U.S. in his early 20s. I’ve read that Turkish culture takes pride in their children, with holidays such as Children’s Day, too. So they are used to bonding with children in a non-creepy way lol (I’ve seen it before, it is a *slight* cultural difference between my culture and his but it’s very sweet) I grew up SA’d as a child and I told my boyfriend, so he knows. Yet he’s said a few things that have caught me off guard. - When I told him there was a chance I was mleafed as a child, we were cuddling and he readjusted himself in a funny way before saying “sorry, I mlested you.” I let it go because English is not his first language and he was probably just trying to be funny to lighten the mood because I was crying and he might have thought that I interpreted him re-adjusting himself as him hitting on me. (Right?) Even when we have daily conversations, he doesn’t understand about 25% of what I say, and I don’t think he’s been learning English when it comes to any of these kinds of topics that I’m speaking about. Sometimes he says stuff just to say it. But still, he understood the context we were speaking in and still tried to make a “joke.” - When I talk to him about my nieces (who I loved and adore and whose mother refers to me as their second mother) he once said that they’ll love him because he s good with kids. Okay sure. Then he said “they’re gonna be like ouuuh, he’s so handsome!” and I was like?? Why are you thinking about that I’m so deeply upset. He’s my first everything. I grew up with my mom defending the monster that abused me & my sister and I always swore I was never going to be that. And I won’t. Sometimes I just can’t tell if I’m overthinking because of my OCD. Because it’s also very extreme to assume someone is a monster like this! But OCD is extreme! And so it’s so hard for me to understand. I’m heartbroken because I feel so vulnerable. He was all I had. Now I feel like I’m gonna f*ck him up if he’s any type of weird like I think he might be. I hate everything sm. All I wanted was someone who loved me, someone I could love, and I’m terrified that I might be with someone who’s sick in the head, just like my father. I feel like throwing up and raging.