18+ Intrusive associations sexual ocd

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

I was having intimacy. Watching p0rn. And during climax i got intrusive thoughts a d anxious. I hate when this happens. As a compulsion whenever i get intrusive ocd thoughts i usually think of my wife or therapist (whose a man) and say their name. For my wife its because shes the love of my life. My comfort. And during intimacy of course to arouse over her. When i think of my therapist its not anything sexual its just like a comforting thought since hes the one that is helping me thru ocd. But now ocd is saying why did i think lf him during climax. And in my head i heard my voicr saying his name but this was my way of distracting myself from the intrusive thoughts. It wasnt to arouse myself over him it was tk distract myself and it wasnt a compulsion. Ocd tries associating it with my sexual experience and its making me feel very guilty and anxious. Then i worry was i saying his name. I did in my head but it wasnt again a compulsion tk distract from ocd. Then that made me anxious so i said my wifes name and thougjt kf her. I just had intrusive thought so i panicked and out of compulsive habit i usual say thr name of my wifr and therapist

I was watching a porn videi a whike back and intent was to look at the woman. I clicked on the video and tbe camera was up close so i couldnt distinguish who as the man and woman up close because it wasnt their faces but their butt. Once the camera adjusted and i realized it was the mans butt not the womans i felt sick to my stomach and anxios. It happened a long time ago so i dont recall every detail but i rememwbr the anxiety, stress, guilt and anger i felt. Im sure j was upset and changed the video. Ocd tries rk make me doubt this and sats im gay because of this and then tries to attack me with not only hocd but rocd saying i was unfaithful for eatching porn and worse tbat i was watchibg n doing tge deed to the guys butt. I thought it was the womans n when i realized it wasnt i was anxious and mad. It happened long sgo i dont recall the details sk ocd is making me diubt. Im not gay and i know my intention was ti see the woman and fantasize of my wife. Then ocd says i lije thr guys beard so it neans i was arousing over him. Or thoughts that he’s handsome so it means i was arousing over him. U cant control my thoughts but i kniw im not gay. And my intentions were to see and arouse over the woman and fantasize over my wife. I know ocd wants me tk diubt the memory but i know who i am and i dont arouse over men. Im pretty sure when i realized jt was the man butt not the woman i was angrg embarrased felt anxiety and changed the video to one where it was the womans body part and that i can better distinguish between the man and female so it wkukdnt hallen again because i dont want to arouse over a mans butt only a womans. I was driving and had the memory kf this and then the ocd made me doubt and question the memory and said im gay and unfaithful ti my wife and all the intrusive thoughts. I think i recall telling my theralist sbout this after it happened. I recalk vyt icd is making me doubt this too. I know who i am and i know the fact this was an random intrusive thought turning into a real event false memory with doubts anxiety snd guilt shows its ocd. And the anxiety around the thought of arousing to the man makes me sick to my stomach and like ny therapist said i know im not gay and im not living two lives. I just thought it was a womans butt and ciuldnt tell that close up and when i realized it wasnt i was anxious.