OVERWHELMING FEELING OF LONELINESS

I have just read this post about isolation and loneliness by someone from the staff here and it is exactly how I have been feeling. The only person in my life is my husband. I have no family, ko friends. I have tried making some new friends in the last 3 years, but it has been one disappointment after another. I seem to be a magnet for the wrong people. They would affect my anxiety and ocd in a harmful way. Everyone I have met, I turned myself inside out to be there for them whenever they wanted to, to make their everyday life a bit nicer and I got used and tossed aside. It upset me so much that I just gave up going out and bonding with anyone. I am a bit of a loner. I used to work with people for 12-14 hours a day for years, and I ended up drained, energy and lifeless. So it is kind of ok for me to be on my own, so I can focus on reading, watching a movie in peace, meditating,.... Well, in the past 4 or 5 weeks I have been feeling lonely even when I am not alone. I feel anxious and sad all the time. Life is kind of suffocating me. I am really trying to find something that might bring back some happiness into my life. I feel like my life is empty, I am a robot who goes through life as programmed. My husband loves me, but due to my not having a job, we can't afford anything, not even a trip to a place nearby - anything more than 40kms is too far and anything that lasts more than a few hours is too long. I am alone with my cats from Monday till Friday because my husband still has to work on the other side of the country. I like having some time for myself finally, but at the same time I hate my life. I caught myself being envious of people who have 2 jobs, good income, their own flats or houses, no mental health issues and are physically healthy and go on a shopping spree whenever they wish to and spend weekends at spas and travel around as couples basically every chance they get, weekends, holidays,... I can't work. I am OK when I am at home, but working would exhaust me. I have been battling with conical tiredness for years now. At the same time I get no help, no money from our country. So I completely depend on my husband. I can't go to a shop and buy anything without him overseeing that I don't spend money on something not urgent. I feel like a child. I understand him. His salary is all we have and it is very hard to live on it, but the feeling when I am looking at a toothpaste or shower gel that is on discount and wonder if I will upset him if I buy it because we don't urgently need it at the moment, makes me feel so small. It's my fault. I have ocd. I let OCD ruin my life. I am not able to find and keep a job due to OCD, so now I have to fear that if I spend 1,99€ on a toothpaste that is over 5€ when not on sale, I will upset my husband and he will think I am irresponsible. I don't even go to a shop alone anymore. When he is working, I avoid going to the shops, because I don't have any money of my own to spend. When he is here, he does the grocery shopping and I go to some shops just to look around, but I avoid buying anything because he might not approve of it. He is worried for a reason. We really have to be careful about every Euro. But it makes me feel so insignificant to see kids going into shops spending recklessly and I who used to own my own company for over 10 years, I can't even afford to buy an unplanned chewing gum. I used to travel at least within our country and the neighboring countries and some other European ones. Now I am stuck. I have no one to talk to or to go for a walk with, no one finds me worthy of their friendship, I am just an opportunity to use me for free for services they would have to pay a lot to other people. I feel abandoned and worthless. I am falling into a serious feeling of hopelessness and grief over my whole life, I feel so sad and tired of being me. There is no hope anything might change for the better anytime in the near or distant future. I would so much like to have a richer social life, but I am a lost cause. I love concerts, theater,... but nothing is happening here for 9 months of every year. No lectures, no mental health support groups,... nothing. Even when there is sth going on in the summer months, I can only go if it is free of charge. 🥹 Nothing that I love doing brings me pleasure or happiness anymore. I have given up on hobbies I used to love. I feel life has lost its meaning for me. If my existence has ever had any purpose, which I am unaware of, I can't see it now. I am scared that I do want to live, but since life has turned into vegetating for me,I will be forced to spend my life just existing and waiting for death. Which I do not want. It makes me so sad to think that if I had to die now, looking at my life so far, I would regret my whole life and so many things I didn't accomplish, didn't do, was unable to do. I am just venting here in hope to get some kind support and advice that might make it all just a bit more bearable and me not feeling so overwhelmingly lonely and lost.