This might seem like reassurance seeking but..

@JediMJ It’s definitely the first reasons you stated 😓 I just don’t know. I feel like I need to or have to. I told my therapist what happened but didn’t go into details and she told me that I don’t have to after I told her what happened and I was like “??? Shouldn’t she know everything?” Because this was a past mistake that bothered me for a long time and I finally opened up.

@rainbows I think you can practice not confessing. It will be uncomfortable, but it will pass. It sounds like you’ve been carrying around the guilt of this past mistake. Everybody makes mistakes—that’s such a cliché—but true. If you’re like me, you give everybody else grace but hold yourself up to an impossible standard of perfection. I stopped doing that—it’s freeing to not have to be perfect, to give myself the same compassion I give others. I’m glad you opened up about it to your therapist—now, try to let it go. It doesn’t define you. (It just feels like it does because you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.)

@JediMJ Could I tell you why?

@rainbows Tell me why what? You want to confess this thing? Or something else? Are you seeking reassurance? Or do you just want to be understood? And maybe it’s both.

@JediMJ Maybe I just need advice.

@rainbows I am glad to help in whatever way I can. I appreciate that you’re trying to figure things out.

@JediMJ This might be triggering but here’s the post I made explaining 🙏🏽. https://nocd.page.link/GHipX1tLhKaB5xCe6

@rainbows That link is getting me stuck in a loop. (It must have OCD!) What is the title? I’ll search for it.

@JediMJ Hahaha, it’s been posted some hours back? It’s titled “advice..?” Or something like that😓 you could try scrolling downwards on your fyp and you should be able to find it🙏

@rainbows I looked, but I couldn’t find it. 😕

@JediMJ I’ll post this over here but I’m sorry, this might be a bit triggering and uncomfortable 🫂 - - - - - - “This might be a bit disturbing but it’s been weighing on my mind. From all the posts I’ve made, I’ve talked about how I was influenced at a young age and saw things I shouldn’t have seen. A lot of it. I can’t remember much because it’s blurry and all muddy and in different timelines. Sometimes I genuinely don’t understand why I would do such a thing or how I could and I would constantly overanalyse things from the past. These things lead me to do things to myself out of trying to understand and curiosity and mimicking actions like kissing others in preschool. I made stupid mistakes I can’t take back and it weighs on me a lot. I don’t and can’t remember so much honestly but when I was at the age of 8, I inappropriately touched someone and it wasn’t out of harm but to understand why. What I did was wrong and the whole context of the situation is messed up but I knew to a certain degree it was wrong ( I spoke to this to my therapist who was very understanding and told me these things happen a lot when kids are young ) I remember at the time I felt guilt and realised I wanted to be a good person. I thought I was dammed for what I did and there was no coming back for me but I remember apologising to them and never doing it again. I had to keep this with me for so many years and it broke me a lot. I matured and realised my actions, spent time crying, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t be here, and was filled with a lot of shame and guilt with nobody to be there or know about this. I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared. I was scared to also be badly punished but eventually as time passed, the person passed away and nobody knew about the story. This year I began opening up and for the first time I opened up to people about this because I wasn’t doing good mentally and spent days—months ruminating, panicking, and thinking I was a monster for everything. I never thought I would but it was with people I trust who loved and accepted me. I told them the situation and how I felt. I told my therapist briefly and she told me we could continue this convo the next time and that I didn’t have to tell her everything but… It didn’t make sense to me. I felt like I needed to confess everything or else I was a fraud. I do definitely care about their justice ( justice overall ) for what happened to them regardless of them not being here and I’m beyond sorry that something like this happened to them because of my stupidity when I was younger. I try my best to be understanding and compassionate to myself but sometimes it’s all filled with hatred and shame and guilt but I’m trying. People say confessing makes things worst. I feel like this is something that needs to be confessed but Ive already admitted my actions, regrets and told others about this but yet it’s still there . I’m not an angel but I do know, these stupid past mistakes have made me more empathetic to people and not wanting things like this to happen to anyone. As I’ve grown I’ve realised how these things can distort your view of reality at a young age because now as I’m older, I understand so much more than my younger self would. Sometimes I don’t know what to say. I don’t know why I did certain things and people at my age were probably more matured and smarter than me. A lot of things happen in different timelines but I’ve matured so much and I understand my mistakes and the impact. I feel safe to talk about this to my therapist or here but to my family and others.. I don’t know what to say. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes and feel like I need to confess everything. I didn’t want to ever talk about this to anyone because I didn’t want to make things worst for people. This happened so many years back and I just didn’t want to bring the past into the present. I know that I have no right to really suggest this because that person was a victim. I don’t know what I should do. Confess? Or let it be in the past? I mean my therapist and close friends know about this

@rainbows Thank you for sharing, Rainbows. I hope I can help you reframe some of this because I think you’re stuck in a tiny part of a bigger picture. I would encourage you to continue to talk to your therapist more…I think this goes beyond OCD. Obviously, this is so disturbing to you but it doesn’t disturb me at all. It sounds like you experienced some traumatic things in your childhood…things you couldn’t possibly understand at such a young age. You said your “inappropriate touch” was not “out of harm but to understand.” Of course it was! You were 8! You experienced things that were inappropriate and it makes sense that you would try to figure it out. This doesn’t make you a terrible person—it makes you someone who experienced trauma. And I’m sorry that happened to you. You should not have had to try to figure out these things at such a young age. What you are calling “stupid mistakes” were a response to trauma—not intentional on your part at all. You’re putting a lot of pressure on 8-year-old you, who did not have the same understanding that current you has, you know?

@JediMJ (I wasn’t finished but the screen was acting weird so I just sent what I had so far.)

@rainbows You view the person you touched as a victim but I see you as the victim, deserving at least as much compassion as you have for this person. You’ve been scared and upset about this for years. And I think you missed the thing that’s really scary and upsetting—and that’s what happened to you. And I am not trained in these things and now I’m having a moment worrying that I’m causing you harm. I have so much compassion and care for this younger version of you. And you probably haven’t looked at things in the way I’m talking about—well, you have a little. It’s in your words. It’s so much easier to blame ourselves than realize that no one protected us from harmful things. And seeing things from a new perspective can be difficult. I used to tell a story about my childhood that I thought was hilarious until I shared it in therapy one day and found out how sad it was. I burst into tears. But until that moment, I had been protecting myself from the truth. I feel like that’s what you’ve been doing. The good news is…you’re okay. You’re safe now. And you can and will heal. You’re already on that journey. I wish I could give you a big hug (with consent, of course). You really are going to be okay. I’m so glad you found the courage to talk about this to your closest people and your therapist. Not everyone will understand or know what to say. Find your truth. No one knows it better than you. Your therapist is probably the best person to talk to—she’ll have the training to help you work through all of this. It’s layered. But you will be okay. I believe that fully.

@rainbows I just wanted to check in to make sure you’re okay. I’m also practicing being okay with uncertainty. Feel free to respond or not. 🙂 Also, our whole discussion (and the new pope) made me think about Catholicism and the confessional and if Catholics with OCD continuously confess the same sins, looking for reassurance. LOL.

@JediMJ Thank you for checking up on me🫂 I’ve been a bit busy here and there but I just wanted to say thank you for your message and for being understanding and kind towards me🙏🏽 and yeah haha that makes a lot of sense😭

@JediMJ Thank you for taking the time to write out this message and respond back to me🫂 if I’m being honest, I was a bit of a menace when I was younger in the sense of doing stupid things and making mistakes and not understanding. For sure 8 year old me doesn’t have the same understanding that I do now with the knowledge I currently have😅 but regarding the “no one protected us from harmful things” this isn’t my family’s fault or so🙏🏽 I love my family to bits but at times wish there were other things I didn’t see or get exposed to at a young age. I guess I got caught watching things at a young age that I shouldn’t have seen but yk. I still watched. I was definitely not an angel but I still cared and had empathy. This is my fault that I take responsibility for, maybe we were both victims but they definitely did deserve much more better than what happened to them. I feel like it’s softening the blow of what happened. I knew to a certain degree it was wrong but still did it but thank you🫂 she treats me with compassion and I’m definitely looking forward to ask her for advice and talk to her about this soon🙏🏽🫂

@JediMJ Watching chrissie hodges has helped me so so much when she talks about real events. She touches on everything that happened and things I’ve experienced and it helps a lot.🫂

@rainbows Ah, I was thinking you saw things in real life, not on a screen. That makes more sense. So, not exactly trauma—just viewing things you didn’t understand. Let that younger version of you be free from any more judgment/condemnation/confessing. You may have been a bit of a menace, but you’ve grown up into a thoughtful, compassionate person. You can’t delete your disturbing experience, but I think you can let it rest. Glad you are figuring this out and you have resources to help.

@JediMJ I think it still might be trauma mixed with ocd😓 but thank you for telling me this and saying this 🫂 I’ll try my best not to but I don’t know why I felt a little more guilty at me being a menace when I was younger like we both know that but I wasn’t completely bad. I just did stupid things and I’m not really the angel child or anything. I wish I was.

@rainbows It’s just thinking about what others would think or those around me and especially my mom, I feel terrible.

@rainbows None of us are perfect. I’m hoping that the weight and intensity of this shifts so you’re not thinking about it a lot. And that when you do, it’s not painful, but more neutral. For me, learning to have compassion for younger versions of myself has been key. I give them understanding and let them know they don’t have to carry the weight any more…that they are safe. Things will get better. You’re doing the work! Good job!

@JediMJ Safe how?🫂

@rainbows Safe from feeling confused, worried, ashamed. Younger versions of you were trying to figure things out. And it seems like you’ve kept this “big mistake” a secret until recently. And there’s a lot of shame that builds up. And maybe that’s not you. But it definitely was me. And this is not exactly the same situation, but figuring out I was gay was scary. I didn’t want anyone to know. In high school, a friend once said “everyone who wears red on Friday is gay,” when I was wearing a red shirt. I never wore that red shirt again or anything red for years. I was terrified that people would find out and hate me. And it’s been a long journey, but I’m proud of who I am. I was never the monster that society/the church/some friends and family made me out to be. I had internalized a lot of those external messages that said I was an awful person. (I would like to say that things have gotten better since I was a kid, but these days, I’m not sure.) Anyway, I think you have probably carried a lot of shame about this. But you weren’t intentionally hurting anyone. You were just 8. So maybe “safe” isn’t the right word…maybe “unburdened.”

@Nica I was about to say isn’t confessing good? But then I realised I’m most likely gonna spiral about it so😵‍💫

@Misstama65 I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that right now🫂. I understand what you mean in regards of it feeling urgent and feeling like you need to tell everyone the details. I hope that you’ll be able to treat yourself with more compassion and kindness 🫂

@rainbows You too. It's a weird thing. Went decades not thinking about then boom it's all I can think about

@Anonymous37. Past mistakes and so yes, even to family even though it’s in the past.