Deleted post.

@rainbows I think you can practice not confessing. It will be uncomfortable, but it will pass. It sounds like you’ve been carrying around the guilt of this past mistake. Everybody makes mistakes—that’s such a cliché—but true. If you’re like me, you give everybody else grace but hold yourself up to an impossible standard of perfection. I stopped doing that—it’s freeing to not have to be perfect, to give myself the same compassion I give others. I’m glad you opened up about it to your therapist—now, try to let it go. It doesn’t define you. (It just feels like it does because you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.)

@rainbows Tell me why what? You want to confess this thing? Or something else? Are you seeking reassurance? Or do you just want to be understood? And maybe it’s both.

@rainbows I am glad to help in whatever way I can. I appreciate that you’re trying to figure things out.

@rainbows That link is getting me stuck in a loop. (It must have OCD!) What is the title? I’ll search for it.

@rainbows I looked, but I couldn’t find it. 😕

@rainbows Thank you for sharing, Rainbows. I hope I can help you reframe some of this because I think you’re stuck in a tiny part of a bigger picture. I would encourage you to continue to talk to your therapist more…I think this goes beyond OCD. Obviously, this is so disturbing to you but it doesn’t disturb me at all. It sounds like you experienced some traumatic things in your childhood…things you couldn’t possibly understand at such a young age. You said your “inappropriate touch” was not “out of harm but to understand.” Of course it was! You were 8! You experienced things that were inappropriate and it makes sense that you would try to figure it out. This doesn’t make you a terrible person—it makes you someone who experienced trauma. And I’m sorry that happened to you. You should not have had to try to figure out these things at such a young age. What you are calling “stupid mistakes” were a response to trauma—not intentional on your part at all. You’re putting a lot of pressure on 8-year-old you, who did not have the same understanding that current you has, you know?

@JediMJ (I wasn’t finished but the screen was acting weird so I just sent what I had so far.)

@rainbows You view the person you touched as a victim but I see you as the victim, deserving at least as much compassion as you have for this person. You’ve been scared and upset about this for years. And I think you missed the thing that’s really scary and upsetting—and that’s what happened to you. And I am not trained in these things and now I’m having a moment worrying that I’m causing you harm. I have so much compassion and care for this younger version of you. And you probably haven’t looked at things in the way I’m talking about—well, you have a little. It’s in your words. It’s so much easier to blame ourselves than realize that no one protected us from harmful things. And seeing things from a new perspective can be difficult. I used to tell a story about my childhood that I thought was hilarious until I shared it in therapy one day and found out how sad it was. I burst into tears. But until that moment, I had been protecting myself from the truth. I feel like that’s what you’ve been doing. The good news is…you’re okay. You’re safe now. And you can and will heal. You’re already on that journey. I wish I could give you a big hug (with consent, of course). You really are going to be okay. I’m so glad you found the courage to talk about this to your closest people and your therapist. Not everyone will understand or know what to say. Find your truth. No one knows it better than you. Your therapist is probably the best person to talk to—she’ll have the training to help you work through all of this. It’s layered. But you will be okay. I believe that fully.

@rainbows I just wanted to check in to make sure you’re okay. I’m also practicing being okay with uncertainty. Feel free to respond or not. 🙂 Also, our whole discussion (and the new pope) made me think about Catholicism and the confessional and if Catholics with OCD continuously confess the same sins, looking for reassurance. LOL.

@rainbows Ah, I was thinking you saw things in real life, not on a screen. That makes more sense. So, not exactly trauma—just viewing things you didn’t understand. Let that younger version of you be free from any more judgment/condemnation/confessing. You may have been a bit of a menace, but you’ve grown up into a thoughtful, compassionate person. You can’t delete your disturbing experience, but I think you can let it rest. Glad you are figuring this out and you have resources to help.

@rainbows None of us are perfect. I’m hoping that the weight and intensity of this shifts so you’re not thinking about it a lot. And that when you do, it’s not painful, but more neutral. For me, learning to have compassion for younger versions of myself has been key. I give them understanding and let them know they don’t have to carry the weight any more…that they are safe. Things will get better. You’re doing the work! Good job!

@rainbows Safe from feeling confused, worried, ashamed. Younger versions of you were trying to figure things out. And it seems like you’ve kept this “big mistake” a secret until recently. And there’s a lot of shame that builds up. And maybe that’s not you. But it definitely was me. And this is not exactly the same situation, but figuring out I was gay was scary. I didn’t want anyone to know. In high school, a friend once said “everyone who wears red on Friday is gay,” when I was wearing a red shirt. I never wore that red shirt again or anything red for years. I was terrified that people would find out and hate me. And it’s been a long journey, but I’m proud of who I am. I was never the monster that society/the church/some friends and family made me out to be. I had internalized a lot of those external messages that said I was an awful person. (I would like to say that things have gotten better since I was a kid, but these days, I’m not sure.) Anyway, I think you have probably carried a lot of shame about this. But you weren’t intentionally hurting anyone. You were just 8. So maybe “safe” isn’t the right word…maybe “unburdened.”

@rainbows You too. It's a weird thing. Went decades not thinking about then boom it's all I can think about