Dark shit, not for the faint

Please, don't read if you are affected by nihilism or just dread. but i have become absolutely hopeless. i am completely affected with 'contamination' and cannot function without wearing nitrile gloves as 'protection' from the outside world. I find myself and just about every human being to be disgusting and 'contaminated' - people, surfaces; anything that a human or animal could possibly come into contact with are my trigger(s) and i can't find a way out. I end up spraying bottles of lysol all over myself - literal pounds of disinfectant wipes & alcohol/sanitizer.. i can't even pet my own dog because i am constantly thinking about 'contamination' and i love her to death but i can't even do what she wants the most - and that's just something as simple as being pet... i literally want to die. but i don't want to commit suicide - even though i literally think about every possible way of ending it all. literally just want someone to kill me because i feel like their is absolutely no escape from how i feel i have to live my life & i cannot be a burden and take my own life - because i live in an apartment with my dog & i can't just leave her. i have no one. i just don't know what to do. don't even know why i am posting on here. but if someone actually takes the time to read this and it hopefully doesn't negatively affect you. what do you think i should do? even if it is just killing myself.. i just want to know because i have lived for solving everyone else's problems becoming an absolute martyr, because i have never helped myself, only made myself worse. now i have tried to 'shield ' myself for so long that i literally see no way out. you can be judgmental, mean, realistic - i just want to hear some ides/opinions. or maybe silence will speak even louder. i would say, "please help" - but i don't think it is worth it. just if you have any ideas. please comment - even if it is just 'pulling the trigger' im sorry. but thanks for reading this far. i don't even know what i did all this for.