Aside from my OCD which has already turned me into a horrible human being, I have racist tendencies that I don't know how to unlearn and I just generally feel like I've always been an absolute scumbag......I'm beyond help at this point

No, I'm not the only one who thinks that. If a whole bunch of people knew that I had a disorder which made me orgasm twice while masturbating thinking about my MIDDLE SCHOOL CLASSMATES and that I have fucking racist tendencies that I literally have no idea how to tackle because I have no idea how to unlearn it because I'm not a cognitive behavioral specialist - then yes, a lot of people will be convinced that I'm the piece of shit that I am

@Vimli Well, you said "IF" they knew. So they don't know, therefore they don't think you are horrible. You know you have a problem. That means that you can fix it. The real problem is when people do not realize that there is a problem. You do. You have the power to fix it. Maybe not right now, but slowly. Would you say you have OCD though?

@? ilshid what do you mean would I say if I have OCD? Like would I tell other people or are you asking me why I think I have it because I've just listed the time a checking compulsion backfired on me and it probably hasnt happened to you and now youre uncomfortable and doubting me. If you wanna know whether I have OCD or not let me just say this - when I orgasmed, I planned on killing myself afterwards and the only reason why I didnt do it is because all of the horrible feelings and pain and dread and etc. persisted even when it was at a point where I was convinced that this wasnt OCD. I don't know what that means to you, but if you think I'm a freak, I don't blame you. I wasn't masturbating for pleasure, I was so desperate and terrified and in such great pain that I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me so I could then decide on whether to continue living or not.

@Vimli Yes, I meant the latter. I didn't realize that the masturbation was a checking compulsion (I think that's what you mean?), hence my confusion. Honestly, you sound very distressed. Maybe ruminating want blaming yourself, calling yourself a horrible person, isn't the best thing to do. As long as you haven't hurt anyone and you don't intend to, I don't think that anyone would think you're a bad person. It's a thought. If you have no desire to act on it, but you're worried that you might, you're not terrible, you're obsessing over an unreasonable fear. Does that sound like what's going on? If so, beating yourself up over it will only make it worse...

@? ilshid You really didn't know you can masturbate to check/test yourself? Well that just confirms my worries that people will be like "you're a freak"

No, I know that everyone is equal. My racist tendencies dont manifest in me thinking that a person of color is inferior to me in any way. In fact, I know I'm inferior to everyone. My racism manifests in me feeling scared and I literally have no idea why. Like I tell myself these people are minding their business, theyre not gonna do shit to you, stop being a fucking moron, stop being scared, nothing is EVER going to happen - that's facts, yet I still feel it. I don't know if this is because when I was little I was literally fearmongered into believing that people with darker skin than me are absolute pure evil. Like when I was a child my parents would scare me by telling me they would let someone of a different race abduct me and I would scream in terror. Like I was a child, I did not know shit and it wasn't my fault - they literally did that to me. They made my brain associate them with that. And it's been years of just trying so hard to unlearn it and I just couldnt and like....I want to die. Like please don't flag this shit because you're just gonna make me wanna die more, but how could they do that to me to a point where I can't even fucking unlearn it. I was even having legitimate thoughts trying to rationalize why I should be allowed to be scared and I was like "what the fuck am I thinking...What is wrong with me? This is how low I've become?" Like I immediately knew that the shit I was thinking was wrong and I can't believe I'mn in this position. I never wanna hurt anyone, I never wanna make anyone feel like a monster, but all my life I've been scared of getting hurt and any slight possibility that it might happen can set so much anxiety off and it's so fucking dumb and irrational and that's why I feel absolutely pathetic and irredeemable. A severe POCD-er (or possibly a fucking pedo because I dont know if its OCD, I'm gonna find out tomorrow) with shitty racist tendencies...WHAT a combo. I am sick of myself. It's gotten to a point where I just have barely any control over anything and my fucking stupid brain is malfunctioning all over. How do I live like this. I'm literally being controlled by my mental health issues. I'm never doing or thinking or believing the things I want and instead I doubt everything and I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I wasnt alive. I need this fixed. I would do a lot to get this shit fixed.

But this whole fear was perpetuated by me spending my teenage years on tumblr and seeing all the people of color be so prejudiced and toxic and vile for no reason, saying stuff like that white people shouldnt be trusted or donated to when they say they are struggling financially and just generally having this hateful attitude towards people who were trying to be nice. I know for a fact that the weirdos on tumblr have nothing to do with the people of color I see in real life, but that gross environment I grew up in kind of created this notion that people of color have this extreme prejudice and disdain for white people and it would take just the slightest thing to set them off. That's how it was on that website. You make the smallest mistake, people treated you like a death-row inmate. I know conflating the two is completely irrational and I know for a fact that these people I'm scared of dont give two shits about me standing there but I'm just an anxious nervous wreck. I'm scared of certain men, I'm scared of certain things, I'm literally scared of everything and I don't want to be. I'm terrified of getting hurt and I don't want to get hurt neither to be terrified of the nill posibility of that happening. I don't know what the hell to do except continue trying, but what if that's not enough, what if I need to do something specific that hasn't crossed my mind. I wish I grew up in a healthy environment so I wasn't such a piece of shit failure now...