I know this isn’t healthy but I’m in a really bad place. If I actually did something so disgusting I don’t deserve to live. I know me dying would just cause more pain but I feel it’s what I deserve. I confessed on here, which I know I shouldn’t have, but being ignored is making me worry that my actions were actually unacceptable
Hey I read your other post. I don't want to give too much reassurance since it will make it worse. But it sounds like CLASSIC ocd shit. I don't think you're a monster at all. You deserve healing, happiness, and acceptance just like anyone else.
@anonanon5 Thank you 💕 I’ve calmed down a bit and can see it more clearly. Definitely a mistake, but probably not a life altering one in the way I was imagining. I do need to work on resisting reassurance-seeking
if u don’t mind me asking , what did you do? i think its better to talk about this with a person 1-1 instead of just posting it ☹️
@polarbearxo1 I went through a phase where I wanted to be a “protective big sister”, but thinking back I might have come off as more creepy than protective (think of those dads who are antagonistic to their daughters boyfriends). I also once was on a roleplay forum where I played a character who was heavily inspired by my sister, which I now think is really strange even though I know it wasn’t actually hurting anyone. I also used to say I had an “incest fetish” (I don’t think I really did, I just thought it was cool to be into something taboo when I was in my edgy phase), though I didn’t see that as being connected in any way to my real life or my siblings. But I’m spiraling and thinking if someone somehow found out about these things, they would see them as evidence that I had abused my sisters. And then I start thinking maybe I DID want to abuse them, and they sensed that and felt uncomfortable around me. Then I start to feel like I really did abuse them, even though I have no memory of it. Both of them have been in extremely abusive relationships, and one of them was murdered by her abuser. I feel like it’s my fault because I was their first abuser. I’m still extremely close with my other sister and my mom and I can’t stop thinking about how disgusted they would be with me. I’m spiraling hard, I didn’t go to work today and I can’t get out of bed or stop crying.
@Lpwia I’m so sorry to hear this I wish I could help. I’ve never really been good at words. Just know based off what you said I don’t think you have any reason to feel like you did anything to your sisters or anyone. People do stuff sometimes that don’t make sense in the moment and later on in life. People love you for you and nothing would ever change that. Im praying for you and im hoping you recover from this fast.
@Lpwia You have a good heart and the fact that you feel this way shows you’re a good person and never want to hurt anyone.
@Lpwia i have some questions i don’t want to be rude or anything like that but i want to ask like did you mean to make the character heavily inspired by your sister or did you realise over time that this was ‘inspired ‘ by your sister , like the character had similar characteristics but you didn’t know at the time ? i feel like if you are realising all of this stuff now it might just be ocd kind of manipulating ur past events. I will talk about the supposed ‘incest fetish’ now i dont want to come off as rude but this was genuinely wrong , but if you say you were influenced easily into telling people u had a supposed taboo , i think on some level it could be pushed away because maybe u didn’t realise what u were truly saying but i feel personally that is really wrong. I feel like it all goes down with the way you morally feel about this , do you align with these kind of values? if no, then i don’t think you are a bad person at all. You are not an abuser you are not any of the things that your thoughts are telling you you are . I genuinely think it’s the case of OCD and you are just picking out mistakes you have made and you are making correlations to them with ur OCD thoughts.
@polarbearxo1 The character was intentionally inspired by my sister, I even remember saying it to other people on the forum. It didn’t seem weird or creepy to me at the time, though I think I would have been embarrassed if she found out, but it does feel weird to me now and I would be mortified if anyone knew. I can’t be 100% sure of where my head was, but I’m pretty sure I thought the idea of basing a character off of a real person was cool. I was very impressionable and stuff like that was common in the online circles I was in at that age. I never fantasized about it privately, I just talked about it because I thought it would make me seem cool and edgy. Though it was a long time ago and now I can’t be absolutely certain of my feelings about it, which stresses me out. As far as how I feel about it now, it grosses me out. I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong for other people to have taboo fantasies, but I don’t like it and I don’t like to think about it.
You will get through this ❤️ There are so many posts made so some don’t get seen, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t cared for 🫶
i have done so many bad things bc of my OCD. and the thing is i have actually done them. whether or not they were compulsions doesn’t matter bc i still did those things with a fully conscious mind and I cannot erase those moments. and today I did something completely irredeemable. I don’t know how I can live with myself bc I know I am not worthy of life anymore. I am not worthy of being able to walk around free when I am a danger. and people will say “no it’s just your thoughts telling u this” NO IT ISNT. I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE BAD THINGS THAT ARE IMMORAL AND AT THIS POINT CALLING THEM COMPULSIONS JUST FEELS WRONG. I wish I had normal ocd. bc I know I deserve to suffer bc of all these things so im fine with it being normal OCD. there is nothing no one can do for me anymore. I doubt anyone will see this post anyway. and if u have read this far, ur better off just scrolling away bc im just a terrible person who is better off d3@d.
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.
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