Rant ( any words would be appreciated )

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

Real Events OCD

AH3849

Date posted: 30w

I don’t know what you did and maybe I don’t need to, but also remember people are not innocent whatsoever we have all done things good and bad in life and people have done things that you don’t even know about because they don’t feel the need to confess, i assume the majority of people without ocd put it behind them since it’s their past and who you are now doesn’t matter as much as who you were then, if you were a kid please forgive yourself we were all kids and teenagers once who were ridiculously stupid, you don’t even need to open up to your mom because you’re allowed to exist without confessing which is also a compulsion your mom hasn’t told you everything she’s done in her life either

J🧸

Date posted: 30w

@AH580103 I genuinely don’t deserve your kindness and understanding but thank you.🫂 I’ve done stupid things that I can’t take back and I feel like I deserve the worst and that’s the only acceptable thing for me. I never thought of how things could play out or consequences that much and all the factors. I feel like it really would do everyone a favour if I wasn’t here.

J🧸

Date posted: 30w

@AH580103 You’re right on this. I’m sure my mom hasn’t and I still love her no matter what she’s done but I feel like I failed her and those around me. I’m a better person who’s trying but I keep bringing these things back into the present moment. I did something wrong to someone at that age out of curiosity from what I saw and it was genuinely messed up. It hit me and I remember apologising to them and crying. I wanted to be a good person and not like this which led me to not do anything like that again but for them, nobody knew and they eventually passed away. I carried that guilt for so many years because I was scared.

J🧸

Date posted: 30w

@rainbows I’m aware you said you didn’t have to know but I feel like you should because the situation is different. I’ve opened up to my therapist briefly about this and someone else from here who helped me a lot. I was very honest and it was tough but she treated me with a lot of compassion and kindness which inspired me to open up to others slowly like close friends and they accepted me. I wanted to tell my mom because she deserves to know and I feel like it’s the right thing to do but it’s eating at me and the guilt is there. It’s like an itch I can’t scratch and it’s there at the back of my mind.

AH3849

Date posted: 30w

@rainbows I am no professional at the end of the day and your therapist can probably help more than I ever could but like I said I do not have to know your life or past because you don’t owe me it

J🧸

Date posted: 30w

@AH580103 I understand and there’s no pressure🙏🏽 but it’s just do your words still apply knowing the situation?

J🧸

Date posted: 30w

Sometimes I’m scared to make mistakes because it piles up and adds up with the guilts

AH3849

Date posted: 30w

Mistakes are part of being human especially when young and your brain is underdeveloped

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