Bad days idkk

TW// self ha rm this is a lot so sorry in advance have been very depressed recently, OCD is kicking my a**. I have been thinking negatively and about not being here in this world pretty intensely. I’ve also just been crying and sometimes hurting myself in a fit of rage. i have been very aggressive to the people i care about, family like mom and grandma or my pets (not being gentle when picking up or holding and or yelling/screaming(this only happened yesterday)… i have felt really bad about this as this is not okay and unfair to the people around me especially my cats because they don’t understand and I wouldn’t want someone being rough with me and or yelling/screaming for not a reasonable reason. my cats are fine and they want to be around me but i still feel so bad. I cried and hugged them and apologized . But i feel it is not enough . also i just feel upset at everyone around me who has failed me but i have become so mean and nasty i just hate this. i cry for so long i dont want to be like this im just so stressed and upset but i have been trying to calm down and if I feel like an outburst is coming i try to direct it somewhere healthier as of rn. im just sad and also i have to go on a trip soon i planned it for myself but i dont wanna cancel i just feel like i ruin everything. ive been diagnosed with so much like borderline, major depression, adhd, histrionic disorder like wtf i feel so not normal and I’m just upset.

I had like a really bad argument with my mom basically about her complaining about my “attitude” and “constant arrogance” like okay firstly 😭 yes i do have an attitude and am irritable but im not THAT bad 😭🙏 she was saying that im a “pest” and that “its not enjoyable to live with someone who makes other people miserable” like 😅🧍‍♀️ oh ☺️ and then i tell her that i know im struggling and that im going to therapy to try to get better and trying to possibly get a diagnosis and she says “your generation just wants something to deal with. You want something to be wrong with you. ‘Trying to get better’ isn’t good enough… would you be able to stand someone like yourself? You’re just choosing this antisocial, narcissistic behaviour and harass everyone… You need to pull yourself together. No matter how much effort we put into you, you will never be happy. You want some medicine? Some diagnosis? Because that will solve everything?” 😭😭😭 and the way she said “some medication”- she sounded so disgusted and appalled and now i feel ashamed… i mean im not officially diagnosed with ocd and it is never my intention to self diagnose- but im sorry its VERY obvious when you have ocd and know of ocd- its so distinct. Everything- the compulsions, reassurance, intrusive thoughts, themes, patterns, perfectionism- but she has me overthinking- what if i dont have ocd 😭 and ive just been lying to myself and everyone maybe its not ocd and im just sick in the head or trying to self sabotage- and especially when my supposed ocd is calm or not as loud i get so anxious “what if i dont have ocd…”

I woke up very late today because my son kept me up all night because he is teething so I didn’t fully wake up until 6am. These past months have been crippling because of my ocd, depression and anxiety. So crippling to the point I have been terrified to leave my bed. Because I haven’t been leaving the room often I am starting to come off as lazy to my mother in law and I have been slacking on helping around the house. My mother in law has surgery on Tuesday and needs us to help out more. I got up to do the dishes the other day and had to stop because I was having a flare up and felt like I was going to over heat from anxiety. I laid down and never finished the dishes. Today she came home really mad at my husband and I because we haven’t been helping and the guilt is eating me alive. I want to apologize but I don’t want to bring up how I have been feeling because I don’t want it to come off as an excuse. I don’t want this to lead to a point where I’m suffering because of it and I don’t want it to ruin her perception of me. I just feel awful that I’m letting this take over my life. Moments like this make me feel useless and I lose hope of ever getting better. what if I never get better. She does so much for me and I’m letting her down💔