I feel like a irredeemable freak, and my life over

I pleasured myself to my intrusive thoughts while I was high as a teen and it felt so real like I genuinely wanted it and leaned into it, it genuinely felt like I enjoyed it and desired it but I’m not sure if I misinterpreted a groinal response and false arousal for desire and did it I don’t even want that stuff in reality nor do I seek it out but I feel like it stains me forever and I cannot be loved or accepted or be a normal human anymore and that my life is over, I don’t know what to do, it felt like it was automatic and it all just happened and then I “snapped back” into reality once it was done and it all hit me like a truck. Does anyone else know if this is a thing or if they’ve had similar experiences? Please help me it feels like I’m dying here. I want to die

Recoveryisreal

Date posted: 12w

You are being so very hard on yourself. You are not one action. You are torn up over this because it’s not who you are. You were trying to deal with the pain, to feel better. OCD is hard. You are not damaged. Please give yourself some grace. Are you in in-person therapy? You deserve care

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

@Recoveryisreal I am waiting for my appointments, it’s just a long wait for therapy, and I am just so distraught at these thoughts and how I acted on them and they were of someone very dear to me who I see everyday and don’t see them that way at all, it all happened and I just feel so irredeemably disgusting and I truly feel everyone else would hate me and be disgusted by me too if they fully knew

Recoveryisreal

Date posted: 12w

@Anonymous I’m so sorry for this pain. It sounds like you’re in an obsessive shame spiral. OCD is so convincing, it wants to suck us in and take all of our attention. It wants us to believe the lies it tells us about ourselves. See if it’s possible when you have these automatic thoughts about how horrible you are to identify this as OCD. “This is just my OCD talking, telling me how vile I am again. Eyeroll!” And redirect your attention. We tend to engage with the thoughts to try to seek resolution, but we will never “figure it out” this way. When is your appointment scheduled for?

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

@Recoveryisreal This Friday

Recoveryisreal

Date posted: 12w

@Anonymous Excellent. In the meantime, keep your self care game strong and try to keep up with your daily routines. Eat breakfast, lunch, dinner. Go on walks, reach out to friends, play a video game

lorraineivory

Date posted: 12w

I understand you completely. I find it easier to imagine and do it that way than to actually engage anymore years down the line so please be careful with your mind heart and body 🫶

slippery_salad

Date posted: 12w

Notice how you wish you could not want it. I feel like that in and of itself is “unwanted thoughts.” Even though your ocd is telling you that you want it, deep down you wish you could just be normal. Which shows this is a normal case of ocd. Not normal as in average because I know its very debilitating my friend. But normal as in, this is ocd and you have to be radically compassionate with yourself. Redirecting your attention, continually to the present moment

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

Ok, it’s just hard to find the energy for the time being, it’s just really scary because it all genuinely felt like desire and pleasure and something I actually want, and not OCD at all because it’s making me think, “why did you do that and pleasure yourself to it even if it’s something you didn’t want?”

Recoveryisreal

Date posted: 10w

@Anonymous Just checking in, how are you feeling? I hope therapy went well

Anonymous

Date posted: 10w

@Recoveryisreal Wow that’s so nice of you, I’m still slowly working on the therapy, I think there is a bit of progress, just still that guilt and ruminating over what I’ve done plagued me sometimes but I think it’s a little better

Recoveryisreal

Date posted: 10w

@Anonymous I am so glad that you’re starting to feel better. I hope you are proud of yourself for your progress!

lemon tears

Date posted: 24w

Anyone suffer from kink related sexual ocd?

(25f have always felt I was hetero) I feel like my experience is uncommon and it makes me feel like the world is crashing down. I used to privately act on a kink that’s extremely uncommon, an involuntary thing people do everyday. It was a kink that was NEVER in the real world. I’d act on it every now and then through erotica or when I was younger, videos…then at some point grew an awareness that this was weird and only stuck to erotica. When people did this involuntary act irl I would be grosses out, annoyed, feel nothing or would have this little thought in the background that “ew germs”. Especially my parents I was often annoyed when they did it. For the past 8 months I’ve continuously have feared what my sexual feelings are towards family, friends and children when they do this act that I used to have a kink towards. I had the thought “well I don’t think I really want this kink in this new relationship” then I thought “wait…am I acknowledging this is a real thing for me? If so what does that say about this kink happening in the real world? Are you attracted to anyone doing the act? What about children? Or mom?!” Especially my mom, I fear what I will feel if she does this involuntary act and that I may at some point give in and feel inappropriate feelings towards her/pleasure myself to her doing the act. It’s so bad that I will mentally create scenarios of her and others doing the kink in the exact sexual ways that turned me on to see if it will arouse me. I worry that being annoyed towards my parents, especially my mom doing this act in the past was because I was in denial and was masking that it actually turned me on. You can’t ever fully get rid of kinks and although I don’t act on this one anymore…I worry and fear that bc I haven’t acted on it, it’s attaching to family, friends and even children in the way of fantasies and that the only reason I feel despair, shame, guilt, disgust and fear is only because of what others would think of me. Not what I actually think. In the beginning I was so filled with disgust, guilt, shame and fear that I ran away from home then admitted myself to a psych ward last summer hoping it would help (plot twist, didn’t.) I’m suicidal, I cry multiple times a day. Every thought I have I don’t trust and worry what they actually mean. Every thought of any kind. My mom and I used to be so so so close. She was my best friend and I avoid her a lot now because I fear I have a sexual disorder and am uncontrollably attracted to her. I miss her much I’m crying while typing this. My mom has only done the involuntary act around me a few times in the past 8 months and each time the arousal was so strong I felt like I was dissociating with how horrible my life has become. The worst part is…the arousal itself feels really good compared to the arousal I get around my bf…except with him I don’t feel extreme anxiety and despair when I’m aroused. I have so many other thoughts too and it makes it so hard to be in the moment and enjoy my bf, family and friends. I feel like a monster…

lu22

Date posted: 22w

Can someone reply, felt bad for days don’t know

I can’t feel happy I can’t forget how these thoughts felt and I’m actually believing I’m bad, I imagined my intrusive thoughts about stabbing on purpose it felt like I know how it feels to do that physical action and I like how it feels and then I got this feeling like I was suddenly really happy or excited about it like I discovered why evil people get a thrill out of doing evil things and it’s sticking with me I can’t forget about it or argue with it or get rid of it normally I can find reasons to know it’s not true and forget about it but this time it felt like the feeling actually came from me as if I genuinely felt happy and thought it would be enjoyable or pleasurable/appealing to do that evil thing it doesn’t feel ego dystonic i feel abnormal like im pretending to be normal I don’t even have much anxiety I just hate my life im having this i don’t know what to do unless I can find a reason to move on and think no that wasn’t real then I can’t move on everytime I rember how it felt or that feeling of being happy it feels like oh my god like I can the saved or helped please I need a solution. If it’s true that I actually felt like that horrible thing could be enjoyable can I be helped? No I can’t that means I’m bad and now I can’t be helped and have to be in a mental home because I swear it felt like it was me who felt happy not a fake feeling and I’m jsut fighting against it because I wasn’t always evil but I swear it feels like I actually liked it and it appealed to me I don’t know how to deal with this

Anonymous

Date posted: 16w

Thinking u did something u not sure if u did

Hey guys I just wanted to talk about something I was feeling I feel so trapped and terrible I have a bad pornography addiction even back then idk what to do I'm 17 years old but basically I looked at some very obscure things on the Internet ranging from hentai or just even more messed up things when I was younger I think maybe early teens I remember randomly just started remembering things I saw now I do not remember if I acted on them or jerked off to them idk what to do I feel so ashamed trapped I feel like I can't enjoy life anymore for what I've done I been introduced to porn when I was young idk what to do I seem alot back then some memories pop certain ones I don't remember if I had pleasured myself to it it feels like I did I have so much shame if I did but idk what to do

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I feel like a irredeemable freak, and my life over

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