Knowledge and Control

Does anyone else feel, if they know everything about a topic that you then have control over it? For example, when I first started trying to figure out what was hurting me and identifying it as OCD, I would and sometimes still do, research every detail I could find and read other people's experience obsessively. Doing this made me feel like I would be able to control my obsession and compulsions, the more I knew the more I could control. A lot of the time it just makes me more anxious and discouraged but I still do it when I think I can fix myself. I also this with other mental health disorders and topics, where I research until I feel like the learned information will equip me with more control.

Anonymous

Date posted: 11w

I used to feel that all the time, now it's urges here and there. I've always been a studious person regarding human psyche yet there was no proper boundary on how I would handle that in my personal life. Humans can want to compartmentalize with labels, stereotypes, extremes, perfection, all or nothing, generalization because it's easier to store, pull up, detect, and predict information. Not because it's more accurate, it gives a sense of control when even false information helps fit the agenda of what I wish would stick to one meaning. As if this is an end all to all questions and uncertainty so I can passively live life without hardship or resistance. Plus that high when I come across new information that I resonate with especially if it coincidentally happens to align with what I witnessed makes it hard to give up. It's slow yet I'm getting better at sitting with both researching what is relevant like "what does this word mean" versus "what, how, when, why, then, now, later". Having that level of intensity aiming for protection, predicting, prevention was not the same as having a passion to learn from trusted resources to get a degree. One never had an end goal because "all" is a moving goal post while the other had an end "my doctor asked these specific questions and it's okay if I can't answer all of them right now or ever, this is enough."

tulip2

Date posted: 11w

@Anonymous Wow, it's like you're in my brain. You explained it so well. I am also trying to differentiate between curiosity and obsessions. It's really hard when, as you said, it's exciting to learn new things and relate to them, feeling less alone, more in control. But I have hope I'll do it less and less as I work through everything.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11w

There is a lot to unpack in this question. I have also felt like the more I knew the more control I had - but here is the thing - that is an ocd trap. If you do this, if you look this up you will have the answer. The fact is we cannot know everything about anything. Ocd is so thirsty for certainty and we cannot achieve any level of knowledge that will satisfy ocd. There will always be another what if down the road. The key to dealing with intrusive thoughts is to pay them no attention. That doesn’t mean the thoughts go away or the feelings of anxiety disappear - it does mean that we allow the thought to be there without trying to figure it out. In my recovery when ocd wants me to look something up to “find out” I don’t respond or if I do respond it is with I don’t care.

tulip2

Date posted: 11w

@Jeffrey I am very eager to find a finite answer about everything, searching for clarity and facts. I'm slowly learning that uncertainty doesn't have to be painful.

Jeffrey

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 11w

@tulip2 That is the biggest hurdle. To learn that uncertainty is a normal routine part of life.

Yana Eve

Date posted: 25w

Does anyone else feel like this?

Last week I was so obsessed about feeling better I wanted to feel better and I was in a constant state of panic. This week I'm still anxious but not as much and I've been obsessing about losing control/losing my mind or having some other mental illness that isn't ocd. I've also been thinking "what if i don't want to feel better" "what if this is how I am supposed to feel" "what if this is how I'm supposed to feel and how I normally feel is me living in ignorance". I'm also worried that I'm manipulating everyone around me unto thinking that I have ocd when im really just a horrible person, or the opposite of having thoughts that are like "You think you're better than everyone else". I'm stressed out about these thoughts and feelings but I feel like I'm not anxious enough about them and that makes me think that I'm losing control. I feel numb but also anxious at the same time and I don't know how to explain the way I feel but it's scary. Even writing this makes me feel like I'm manipulating people into thinking I have ocd when I really don't and I'm just a horrible awful human. I just want to feel better and I know that but my brain is trying to convince me I don't

Carla. C

Date posted: 17w

Reading OCD

Does anybody else experience OCD while reading? I feel like i need to remember everything in my book. And i have a feel that i need to completely understand EVEYTHING in my book (even very minor things) and if not, i feel as though im cheating or that the minor thing is very significant and that ill want to remember it even way after i finish the book (just for the purpose of knowing EVERYTHING about my book) Also, when a character says some minor things i feel the need to understand it completely or i feel the fear that i didn’t understand what the character actually meant. If youve struggled with this please give tips on how to overcome it

kenzieisfound

Date posted: 13w

fear of losing control??

I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD, but I relate so much to what people here are going through. I used to think it was just anxiety, and I felt like I could handle that. But lately I’ve been spiraling—constantly afraid that what I’m feeling is something worse, like psychosis or losing control of my mind. I feel so detached and scared, and I just want peace again. I have anxiety doing the smallest things, like the thought of waking up everyday and even eating give me straight up panic. I am afraid all the time, it’s paralyzing. And a lot of people say someone with psychosis wouldn’t worry that they’re in it, but then I convince myself I’ve been in it this whole time, and haven’t known, and that maybe I’ve been doing weird stuff. Idk. I also get really scared of labels. Even the idea of OCD makes me feel like I’ll never get better or like I’ll be stuck like this forever. I just want to be okay. If anyone has felt this way—confused, overwhelmed, or scared of what’s happening in their mind—I’d really appreciate any support or encouragement.

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