My Partner has an Anxious Attachment Style

My partner has an anxious attachment style and it's been really hard for me.. I am polyamorous and so I usually see him half the week. He knew this going into a relationship with me but it seems he feels he never has enough time with me. I try so hard to make him happy. There was this one winter break I didn't make plans with anyone just so I could maximize my time with him and he was still unhappy. I'm trying to see my family again after fleeing for over 2 years because of an abusive family member I had. Its gonna require some of my time on the weekend and he said he'd support me but I'm scared to bring it up every time. He can't afford to see me as often anymore bc of the ware and tare on his car. I'm so worried I can't make him happy. He's even struggled with SH at times I've been gone. He says it's not my fault and it's a lot of factors but I can't help but to blame myself. I want to see more of my family again for the 1st time after 3 years next weekend, but I already have another commitment with my step dad. My partner is also always afraid I'm cheating on him, which I would never do. He's just been cheated on a lot in the past but it's hard for him. I just feel terrible about myself bc it feels impossible to make him happy. I don't really want to be judged for being poly, I just have relationship anxiety and I hope I'm not alone.

3341

Date posted: 27w

No judgment on you being poly at all and none of what I say will pertain to that. You do you. As long as you and your partner(s) are okay and on the same page you go right ahead. It is so hard being in a relationship and wondering how you could help your partner more when they are hurting. Here is my advice to you friend. This is the advice I got while in therapy for some similar iusses. 1. While making your partner is happy is important, but their happiness can't come from just you. They need to find happiness within themselves and from other areas. I understand this is easier said then done. But it isn't fair ,for either of you, if you are their only source. 2. While you should be a team it's important not to lose yourself in the team. Yes your together but your also your own people and need time apart. You need your own lives, hobbies, friends and relationships outside of your romantic ones. 3. I strongly think your partner should seek therapy to work though these iusses. Recovering from hurt and mistreated is hard, but you both deserve a version of your partner that can trust you and your relationship. 4. I'm not suggesting you should end your relationship, but maybe a pause would be good for the two of you. It seems that life is throwing a lot at you guys in differnt ways. Maybe speading some time apart to work on your own iusses could be good for you guys. Then come back and move towards a solution to your relationship together. While I don't know you, your relationship, or your situation I am just trying to share some things that I learned while in therapy. I had a very hard time coming out of a past relationship where I was cheated on and abused, but that isn't my current partners fault. While I think you should have sympathy for your partner; they also need to work towards not projecting the past on you. Again this is coming from someone who went to therapy for this reason, so no judgment over here. I hope that you and your partner can work though this and come out stronger than ever. Also good luck on visiting family. That is hard to but I hope it works out for you.

ninjastone

Date posted: 26w

I am so very grateful for this caring response. Its tough sometimes. I know his anxiety around me cheating isnt personal, but its hard at times to not take it personally because Im trying so hard to make him happy (and I would never cheat on him obviously). The situation makes me feel really out of control because theres nothing I can do really. I cant come clean and tell him Im cheating bc Im not. I cant choose to stop cheating because I never started. All I can do is offer to reassure him which I often do. I can tell though that even with reassurance, his anxiety is so bad it doesnt seem to help him sometimes. Its really hard to watch him suffer for no reason (well, not for no reason bc its understandable why he goes thru the anxiety bc of the past, but at the same time it's needless for him to think I'm cheating bc I never would. )

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