Afraid of my health/overthinking

Ive shared here many times that this year my health anxiety got really bad and it got to a point where i had really sad thoughts and i dont know what to do with them cause they are really deep/dark and i feel like it can be real, like in that situation i can feel the same thing. Im talking about the fear of having cancer, i had alot of stomach issues in these 2 months and i couldnt handle my emetophobia and because i heard from others thst the way i react now to this issue, i couldnt handle if i would have cancer and i would die because of stress, and this made me think cause i think its true... And this became and obsession lurking behind, and one night it gave me actual thoughts like i have cancer and im thinking that maybe i spend my last day with mx family, they are seeing me the last time and how sad will be for them when i die, these really dark things and it made me feel soo sad, like im in that situation and i felt that hopelessnes dark feeling that i might not wake up tomorrow and how it will affect others.. It's a horrible feeling.. and what made me spin more is that after this i thought that i would have the same thoughts if i would be dangerously ill and those feelings are scaring me and i dont know what to do about it... Im afraid i would feel the same thing and it scares me cause these are really dark and strong feelings, you cant just ignore it and move on... It really hard to navigate yourself through these dark thoughts, atleast i cant just move on...

I keep thinking about life and death and all that stuff and it’s making me so upset. I keep thinking about how one day im probably going to be old and on my death bed or something and my whole life will be nothing but a memory and im so scared for that day. i wont have my parents and my younger siblings wont have any of us. time feels like its moving too fast like i feel every second pass and think about how i can never get that moment back and i cant slow down time or go back or even just pause it because its always going and theres nothing i can do about it. And then i start thinking about whats after death and get even more scared because if heaven is real then what is eternity? wont i get bored of doing the same things… forever? and if its not real then what happens is it just nothing? because thats even more scary i don’t want to be nothing because that also means the people i love will be nothing and i wont be able to be with them. And if it’s not that then is it reincarnation? will i have to do this all over again? will the souls of the people i love be with me in their new forms? is the sun “God” because the planets revolve around it and the stars are all of the passed souls? what does it feel like to be a star? will i even just know i died? i have so many questions and the fact that none have an answer and i just have to wait to find out drives me insane. i try to remind myself everyone before me and everyone after me will experience death and loss at one point in their life and that I’m not alone but it doesn’t help. nothing helps. ive had “episodes” like this before when i was around 10-14 about once a year always around May-June which is the month my great grandmother died and June is my birth month which i hate because yk… time passing and aging which i assume is why i always get worse around that time. i was able to kind of ignore or turn it off the past like 3 years but this month its just too much i cant even deal with it. maybe because I’m turning 18? idk but its been bothering me so much and its all i can think about. Even when i seem fine the thoughts are always in there somewhere and some days they’re easier to ignore and others it feels impossible. I just wish I was like those people who can just turn their thoughts off if they don’t like them. My mom says she can do that if she thinks about how her mom died or something she can tell herself she doesn’t want to think about that and just… turn it off?? and thats so shocking to me because i’ve begged a god I don’t even know if I believe in to stop my thoughts and she can just turn them off herself? I don’t have another therapy appointment until next week I wish I could talk to them everyday so it could work faster but instead i’m on here. So if anyone has any advice PLEASE give it to me. I’m so tired it’s making me not enjoy anything in life because it makes me feel like theres no point in anything but I want to feel normal and I want to enjoy things. Sorry for writing so much just had to get this out there. Also i’m not trying to seek reassurance btw I just wanna know how other people coped with this or similar issues😭

2 days ago I decided that I will do my bloodtest, last time i was in 2017 and for some reason when i stood up I started to feel dizzy and I couldnt see anything, I didnt fainted but i was close to it,the nurses quickly layed me down, and then i was fine, but the whole day my body was shaking. I was afraid of blood test, and i always avoided it, but my health anxiety got worse cause i was afraid everytime that i have cancer but i cant check it cause im afraid of bloodtests. This year i had to do other medical tests and now they asked me to do bloodtest too, and 2 days ago i said okay this week i will face this fear. And i felt excitet, motivated and happy that finally i will face my fear. I did not cared if i faint cause it might not happen but if does I can handle it, i will feel good after i wake up. But someone after some hours, the fears came up, and i wanted to face them (cause people say you need to challenge the thoughts) so i tried to challenge them and find ways that i will handle those scenarios, but after time i got stressed cause i didnt know how to respond. If i faint and then vomit and feel sick and vomit alot of times cause im also panicking to the point they have to take me to the hospital... this jist scared me. I dont know how to handle that panic. The body will react to the blooddrown so either way i will feel bad. And im afraid of it and I cant deal with that fear.I dont know what to do if i will feel sick the whole day, if i will vomit the whole day and faint because of stress. This might be catastrophising but now these thoughts comes up, if i imagine myself being there and getting my blood drawned, i imediatelly feel the panic and these scenarios come up and then i dont know what to do so i just panic... Last night i asked help from others and it helped that some said that its pretty rare that you will vomit after blooddrawn, people who do are sick already or they are really scared. And this made me feel good but then i read about it and i found out that its pretty common that people faint, or vomit or fo both after blooddrawn... and now im just thinking about not going... i cant deal with it cause idk what to do. Breathing techniques didnt worked for me, if im panicking and i try to relax by breathing, i get more stressed cause my brain knows i do it to calm down and the panic is a danger so i get more panic... idk what to do.