I feel so sick to my stomach. Please read. This is reassurance seeking, but I just need someone to hear me out. I have been hit really badly by real event ocd. I have had so many different types of ocd themes these past years but this by far feels the absolute worst. So when I was 11 my mom started working nights after my dad left, I was in charge of the kids in the night they were 7, 5 and 1. Mostly the 7 & 5 year old did their own thing and then I put them to bed but I was almost always with my 1 year old sister. She has special needs but at that time we didn’t know hardly anything about her condition and to me at that age she just seemed like a normal baby. Over time I started to abuse the fact that I practically had no parent from 7 pm on and I would spend all night on the Internet. One day a class mate sent me a link to redtube (a pornography site) I checked it out and at first was horrified but then I realized no one was around to stop me from watching it. I started watching a bit out of curiosity and before long it turned into an addiction. I would watch it as soon as my mom was gone, with my baby sister in the room. Now a lot of my memories are pieced together but I know bottom line I never did anything to harm my sister intentionally or exploit her in any way. But then I wonder what if I ever allowed her to crawl on me while watching porn or if that was some weird sexual gratification for me. (I would never do that willingly but it’s a major fear I have) another incident I remember from around that time is kissing my sisters cheek. I remember I was watching man in the moon and Reese Witherspoon kissed some guy and I thought, I wonder how a kiss like that feels and I kissed my baby sisters cheek. Now more than a decade later I’m starting to feel like that could be considered sexual abuse. I’m so afraid, I tried to confess to my mom all that happened and she asked me if I was watching the redtube and I said no (because I wasn’t) but now my brain is trying to tell me WHAT IF I was, and I’m just in denial. In that time frame of 11-12 years old I expiremented with a sex toy I found in my house. I felt fucked up about it my entire life after that, I felt secretly incestuous and that follows me to this day. Can I bring this up in therapy or psychiatry? What will they say? Will they press charges on me? I have a son to think about and I’m extremely scared that I can be considered a sexual offender for my poorly thought out actions of when I was 11. I feel so gross and disgusting, and I’ve also dealt with POCD in the past which makes me feel more guilty because it almost feels like proof that I am a sexual deviant who is disgusting and deserves to be punished. Please if you have any opinions please share, I am afraid to seek help for this but I think I need help with this. I am returning to work soon which involves working with children and I feel like if I’m considered bad (even though I’d never hurt a fly and I’m so ashamed of my mistakes) that something really bad will happen to me