Bpd

It’s different for everyone. And OCD and BPD have crossovers. But basically it’s extreme fearful avoidant attachment, sprinkled with psychosis, sprinkled with self harm/deep self loathing/ oscillating moods.. sometimes “borders” narcissism/ disassociative identity disorder. You are generously ruled by your ego parts and their whims. Harder to treat. Extreme black and white dualistic views or thoughts, always trying to convert the “self” to others, movements, different things sometimes rapidly.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-symptoms-diagnostics

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. And I don’t think that’s borderline. Which is good, you don’t want it!

this is probably the most accurate way i can put into words my personal experience with bpd. more often than not, i exist in a state of emotional flatness—an affective baseline so muted it borders on dissociation. but in the rare instances when emotion does break through, it does so with such disproportionate intensity that it becomes all-consuming, leaving little room for measured response. my instinctive reaction to any form of psychological discomfort is immediate: a reflexive turn toward impulsive behaviors or fleeting sources of gratification that can, even momentarily, anesthetize the internal chaos. sustained emotional overstimulation often leads to the opposite extreme—an almost catatonic apathy, wherein the only viable coping strategy becomes complete emotional disengagement. the inevitable result is a persistent, gnawing void—a psychic hollowness that constantly demands to be filled with either significance or sedation. this dysregulation of affect, compounded by behavioral impulsivity, produces a chronic instability in self-concept. my subjectivity lacks continuity; who i am feels contingent upon the day, the hour, the context. my identity is less a cohesive structure and more a loose constellation of fragmented selves, each emerging in response to internal or external stimuli. in social dynamics, i frequently rely on deception—not necessarily with malicious intent, but as a form of self-preservation. i construct and inhabit fabricated identities, often so convincingly that i begin to internalize the fictions myself. vulnerability feels not only dangerous but untenable, due to long-standing trust deficits and a deeply embedded fear of abandonment, both of which are likely traceable to formative relational disruptions. i’m drawn, almost magnetically, to self-destructive tendencies. i dismantle my own stability—sabotage relationships, derail progress, reject affection—not out of spite, but because the emptiness within me insists i’m undeserving of anything more enduring. substance use has functioned as an expedient, if unsustainable, means of muting this internal dissonance. while i might appear composed, even rational, in moments of crisis, there’s an ever-present awareness that i’m not in control of my own decision-making. emotion doesn’t feel like a conscious influence; it feels like instinct—primal, immediate, inescapable. when distress arises—particularly the kind tied to perceived rejection or abandonment—it eclipses everything else. the need to extinguish that feeling overrides all other considerations. borderline personality disorder is insidious in its onset. you rarely identify it in real time. instead, you recognize it retroactively—when relationships are fractured, opportunities lost, and the damage already done. it announces itself through aftermath.