I f$cking hate this now

I have no idea to what extent the new medication I am on is affecting me positively or negatively. The past two days and Monday have been awful. I feel close to walking around in a daze in the mornings. For whatever reason Tuesday was actually like a 3 on a 5 star scale whereas average had been below 2.5. I know the OCD is pissed off but it’s so bad and interfering with my life so much. It just hammers at me basically nonstop. I know I can watch YouTube and read books/comics and sometimes play with Legos but exercise, video games, consistency, feeling like I have a choice when I want to do these things is so difficult. I’m starting to lash out with anger at things and am going back down the path of self harm and suicidal thoughts. I just despise all of these thoughts like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

BMace

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 10w

I just want to say — I completely understand what you're going through. Starting new medication can be so tough. It took me a few different tries to find the right one, and those early days were hard. I’ve recently gone through similar thoughts and feelings. What helps me most is going back to my "utility belt" — the tools my therapist gave me. Using those tools consistently, especially ERP, has made a huge difference. And being part of this community helps more than I can say. Just being able to vent or ask for support is such a powerful thing, because here, we get it. We understand OCD in a way others often can't. I also understand the anger. There are days when I think, “Why me? I just want one normal day.” But over time, I’ve started to see this differently. I’m a religious person, and my faith has helped me see this struggle not as a curse, but as a blessing in disguise. I believe God allowed this so I could grow stronger, so I could help others through it. I truly believe we’re not just meant to live with OCD — we’re meant to thrive despite it. I’ve been in the darkest places, and I know how heavy it can get. But I promise — there is light. You are not alone. It’s okay to have a bad day. Tomorrow can be better. Keep fighting. Don’t give up. You’ve got this. And I’m proud of you for being here.

Hopeful_808

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 10w

OCD can be VERY draining at times to say the least. You are so occupied with the intrusive/unwanted thoughts that it feels like you are on auto pilot rather than actually living. Hang in there! I know some days are rough, but better days are to come. I’ve been doing ERP for several months and my symptoms are much more manageable.

Anonymous

Date posted: 10w

I hear ya. When I started Zoloft a few years ago (bad contamination OCD, just could no longer ‘tough it out’ because of the Pandemic), it was HARD… about four weeks of severe fatigue / brain fog due to the new med. Certainly not a cure-all, and honestly I still have minor side effects, but my compulsions (repeatedly touching things in patterns in my house) went down so much that, for me, it’s worth taking the medication and dealing with (the now minor) side effects to not be tortured by all my OCD BS. So, before meds, let’s say my OCD was a level 9/10. And now I’m at about a level 5… good enough for me. :-) Stay strong!!

Luke_McElwee

Date posted: 25w

Losing my shit, freaking out

Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Vee <3

Date posted: 13w

Heyyyy!

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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I f$cking hate this now

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