bad memories

do y’all ever look back at memories from your camera roll and come across the time in your life when things were really bad? because when i do, i just feel so sad for the mental state i was drowning in. not that i’m not still, but i have more perspective on it so i’m able to manage it more. but a couple years ago, i rarely left my bed because of how depressed i had gotten. what’s worse is during that time, i had wished that i wanted to unalive myself. but there was never a point when i did want to so it made me upset because i had no way out if i couldn’t handle it anymore. however, i think that’s a blessing in disguise because i was thankfully able to get out of that dark period. i’m still experiencing terrible anxiety, but because i have those times to reflect on and remember i made it through, it’s motivating.

olauch1350

Date posted: 16w

i do the same thing, i had to stop looking back in my camera roll bc i would get so sad and get into a spiral of just “what would’ve happened if i did and up doing it” or “why didn’t i feel safe enough to ask for some help”. i feel way better in that sense now but still feel like i can’t handle it sometimes but way better than before. how do you feel now? what type of things did you do to help manage it better? i still have horrible anxiety and ocd but it’s getting a bit better.

flowerpetals

Date posted: 16w

@olauch1350 i don’t spiral but i do just feel so bad for who i was back then. i had zero knowledge on how to navigate any of it and it was when i actually found out what ocd was and what it could do to you. as for now, i still have lots and lots of hard days. but i’m doing really well at managing my harm ocd which was what i had been struggling with so extremely during that time. i know you’ve probably heard this before, but i learned to allow the thoughts to be there. a blessing in disguise i had was beginning college. at the time, i was terrified to go because of where i was at mentally. but college became an escape for me and forced me to live life while the thoughts were there. there are times where i’ll relapse, but instead of allowing it to take over my life for a long period, i live in it for no more than a day. then i force myself to sit with the discomfort while still living my life. since doing that, the anxiety has significantly decreased. again, i still have bad times with it, but not nearly as bad as it was.

olauch1350

Date posted: 16w

@flowerpetals i’m so happy for you!! it’s so hard trying to find that confidence and ways to manage our anxiety and OCD tendencies. i got on lexapro to help manage it some and it’s really helping. i’m sure letting the discomfort be there was really hard and that’s something im trying to do myself! i’m in college as well and i think in the fall when i go full time and not online it will be hard at first but ill try to just live with the discomfort like you said!

flowerpetals

Date posted: 16w

@olauch1350 i’ve actually been prescribed prozac and have been so nervous to actually start it. but hearing you talk about lexapro helping you helped me out a little bit! so i hope things start getting easier after i start it. but yes, college definitely helped me and i’m very thankful for it at that point in my life. still got a little bit to go so hopefully it continues to help! as for discomfort, i essentially smiled my way through those really hard parts when it gets really bad. and it feels close to impossible when it’s happening, but after about a week, i start to feel like myself again so that keeps me motivated!

olauch1350

Date posted: 16w

@flowerpetals i started prozac before but that was at the time before i really wanted the help and didn’t realize how bad it was so i quit cold turkey haha! but i hope the medicine works for you!! lexapro made me get my life back a little bit, not so nauseous anymore from how bad my anxiety is! hearing you talk about college and smiling thru it really helped a lot and in knowing that we’re not alone, i think ill try that actually! i did it tn at work even tho i gave in and ate a ginger drop haha but i still smiled thru it and finished my shift!

flowerpetals

Date posted: 16w

@olauch1350 aside from harm ocd, i also have really bad contamination ocd based on the fear of throwing up. while college helped me manage my harm ocd, it worsens my contamination ocd by a mile. i was barely at my dorm for the entirety of the second semester because of it. i’m working on how to manage it, but it’s definitely been very difficult and keeps me from being social whatsoever. during the summer, it calms down a bit because i’m at home. but i’m hoping the prozac will help that as well as my other obsessions! if not, i’m definitely going to switch to lexapro because i hear good things about it. however, i really hope things get better for you and you’re able to take back your life! it breaks my heart how much pain so many people are in because of ocd.

olauch1350

Date posted: 16w

@flowerpetals i also have emetophobia to the point where i had to quit my job for 2 months and that’s when i started the lexapro and i finally can eat again and work! it’s taking a lot but hopefully a lot better for college again in the fall. how is yours doing now?? i can’t even be a passenger in the car bc i think ill get car sick (ive never been carsick a day in my life) 😭 i hope the medicine works for you!! it’s really sad how many of us there really is struggling with ocd, it’s nice to know we’re not alone tho :)

flowerpetals

Date posted: 15w

@olauch1350 mine actually hasn’t been terribly bad lately. i think it’s because it’s summer but rn i only get bad anxiety when i don’t feel good. however during my college semester, i was CONSTANTLY washing my hands in between classes. and could barely sleep in my dorm because of my roommates constantly giving me anxiety. i even had my mom pick me up at 1 am one time because of it. i also worry about food poisoning a lot. especially when i’m not feeling good. so it’s not great, but it gets a metric ton worse during college. but to see all of the people in pain because of ocd makes my heart break :( however it is nice to remember that no one here is alone and we’re all here for each other!

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 23w

Missing when I felt ok.

I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.

nae nae

Date posted: 20w

Mini vent (sorta)!

I'm struggling with a lot of doubts today, but trying the best I can to keep on living my life 🥲 I'm on 150mg of Sertraline right now, and honestly, I'm feeling a lot better than before. Do I still get triggered? Yes! But I'm handling it easier. The only issue is, I feel like I'm obsessing over recovering? Not if I'm doing it "right," but more so getting to a point where I feel "perfect." That's not possible, I know. Even before OCD spiraled out of control, I struggled with other issues on a daily basis. But life felt simpler back then, and I didn't have this magical (and annoying) ability to remember every single bad thing that's ever happened to me or every single intrusive thought I've ever had in extreme detail 😭 Whenever I'm feeling okay, I can not help but think, "Remember how bad it was (insert time-frame)?" And then my mind zip zaps through every instance I've ever felt anxiety, like...? I don't even know if it's me doing this or if its OCD, but it frustrates me so, so much when it happens. Anyway, that's all for now... If anyone can relate, we're in this together 🤍 Hang in there!

carrotroot12

Date posted: 19w

Rant (all over the place)

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

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