Why it is so hard right now?

Everything feels Like its falling apart at the Moment. I am faced with Lots of unprocessed trauma and flashbacks in my Relationship + this stupid pocd that latches onto my Partner. Even if I Just know and she has also OCD, Anxiety, maybe autism BC she cannot read emotions or reacts Sometimes too rational, she understands me best. She understands my illnesses and intrusive thoughts and in the past she got triggered by the pocd also a little bit. Just the disgust Feelings, triggers in some Situations and Compulsion to Look away and some what If thoughts.... It didnt get much worse but I maybe constantly reminding her of some stuff because I have to hold myself back from Compulsions.... She opened Up over some stuff that happened in her childhood and over the Last weeks it got worse and worse in my case BC of triggers of my own childhood Trauma and Trauma in General.... And she is a mirror.. I feel constantly unloved or unwanted, I am so impulsive, I insulted her in Arguments as a p..... Such stuff... She does Not leave but I feel that she has no Energy left either... Before a few days it heated so much Up that I was outside until late at night.... Slept on the Couch.... Next day the Argument continued... I h@rmed myself .... I also hurted myself thursday night with a plastic bottle but on friday it was with a kn*fe.... She called ambulance.... I Had to Go to Hospital.... I never went with an ambulance to Hospital.... That day when I was Back WE Had a good afternoon and it was okay.... Saturday was okay too Just the night.... I have some disturbing Feelings BC the OCD and everything impacts our seggs life .... I offen feel unwanted or undesired.... Misscommunication can lead to arguments... Yesterday in the evening it got worse after a day that was alright.... I was Feeling Like leaving but I stayed outside and she was so upset she didnt let me in... Then we chose to pause the argument... Today it was alright I think but I was so worried what to do If I should Work tomorrow again bc I am sick since a week..... But on a walk outside it was hard to speak without getting upset... So I Said I wanted to walk alone and she should Go the other way... After a few Minutes she was gone... I don't know where she is since Like 1 h 40 Minutes.... Tried to send WhatsApp and call but she isnt online.... Thought she wasn't at Home so I didnt Ring the bell and now I am sitting at MC Donalds.... Maybe I try to Go Back to the House and Look .... If she is there.... I barely have Energy for myself how should I Take Energy for her and the Relationship too? Pls send advice. Kind regards. Jal

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 16w

It sounds like OCD is making everything in life very difficult and is influencing everything. If you could do treatment for the OCD and make it better, then I think everything else would improve. Have you ever tried ERP therapy? It is very effective and can make a big difference

Jal_25

Date posted: 16w

Yeah I know ERP but right now its Lots of other wounds and Trauma that surfaces that I cannot solve all at once. And I am so very impulsive and emotional and have waves of such Things as selfh@rm but No other diagnosis. I Just Had depressional waves in the past with my ocd. But yeah its kinds fresh that its Like so intense, since 1 month my pocd latched onto her and my intrusive thoughts Go onto her to make Sure she is Not a p.. stupid I know. No logical Sense like Always. But its so terrible triggering bc of the guilt Trap to be a Bad human If I don't know everything for sure. And I know but you know OCD. It finds ways to make pocd so vivid with more intrusive thoughts also for myself and Compulsions, even though I know she also finds it disgusting and intrusive. The more I think about the Future, the more insecure it becomes bc we don't have another diagnosis for her but could be autism and I don't know if Kids would be a good Idea with all the stuff we have ... She has MS also .... She also ,, contaminated " herself in the past a little with my triggers.... So she also has more anxiety now .... I don't know if she would be constantly triggered or disgusted with a child

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 15w

@Jal_25 Wow, that is a TON of stuff to deal with, and it sounds too hard to deal with on your own. Maybe you can just work on one thing at a time so it's not overwhelming. That might be really good. Also, having a person to help you sort through all this would be really good. Do you have anybody? It doesn't have to be a therapist, but it would be good if they understood OCD

Jal_25

Date posted: 15w

@Tea and Honey Im trying to find therapy bc I did a Lot of stuff on my own but the triggers and trauma that surface in relationships, I have to Work on them. With her or without her. She constantly triggers me with her behaviour so maybe better without her. You are absolutely right. Im looking for Specialists and for therapy that fits me.

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 15w

@Jal_25 So glad to hear you are looking for therapy!!! That can really help if you get someone who knows the right therapy for you :):):)

Anonymous558

Date posted: 24w

Struggling relationship and ROCD (help)

me and my girlfriend since we started dating we be only had one problem, and that is my fear of everything of losing her of her cheating, and it’s all caused by OCD. my texts are massive and i get worried i know i love her and she makes me calm i know i love her. we had a conversation yesterday and basically she said that she feels suffocated with my texts and my fears. she went on trip were she doesn’t have her phone. and yesterday i spent the entire day crying about her. my head is filled with intrusive thoughts. and last night i got so stressed that it seemed like the love went away or i couldn’t remember the love, but it’s impossible because i was crying about her yesterday. this struggle my relationship is having is making me so stressed. pls give me advice

dia!!

Date posted: 16w

My obsession were proved right. I'm scared

For some time i was obsessing over relationship with my girlfriend. For a long time we we're each other's best friends and we only had each other. Recently she made a good friend in work and im obviously really happy for her because she deserves to be loved by more people than me. But i started to feel really jealous. I never thought she can cheat on me i just have really low self esteem and i started to obsess over if she is still in love with me or if she is still attracted to me bc she sometimes would be more interested to spend time with that friend and not me. We talked about it a lot and i tried my best to not be jealous and give her space but i felt how she's distancing from me. At some point she stopped showing me her love in any way. She stopped hugging me and kissing me and she kinda stop telling me she loves me. She only responded "me too" when i told her i love her. I talked about it with her few times and she always said she understands and that she's tired and don't really need physical touch etc. But i was still worrying bc i just knew something is off. She really was acting different. And then few days ago she told me she's actually tired not because of job but me. She feels irritated by me and she don't know why and that she actually thought about breaking up with me and she don't know what to do because she's confused about her own feelings. She said she thinks she still loves me but it's hard for her to see a difference between friendship and love and that she feels tired of concept of dating someone. She said we should wait and see bc she thinks she still loves me but i don't know if that's honest. I don't know what to do anymore im crying all the time every day since that conversation we had. I feel like my worst nightmare just came true and now it's real and not only a though in my head. I can't do anything and i feel like it's the end of the world. We're living together and i don't want to go back to my parents but that's not the worst thing. I just love her so much and i can't hande thought of loosing her. My ocd made me question every single thing about me but somehow i never questioned my love for her so that's why I'm so emotional about it. I don't want to lose her. I don't know what to do i just want to be loved but I don't want anyone else. I don't know what to do im so scared. I want to die every time i look at her with love in my heart and i know she doesn't think about me like that anymore.

dia!!

Date posted: 15w

im afraid i've lost her bc of my ocd

im not diagnosed but for the past five years i've been seeing A LOT of ocd symptoms in myself. i kinda accepted that i might have it and learning about people's experiences helped me a lot. i was in a really bad place when i was 16 but at some point i got better (so i thought) I've lost one relationship and i healed from loosing it and then i fell in love again. we we're together for a year and six months. i was really happy for most of the time but unfortunately we we're both not really stable mentally and we both had some mental issues. i helped my girlfriend and i supported her the best i could. she managed to move in in my city and we started living together november. at first it still was her who had a lot of issues (probably depression and being very suicidal) i was struggling and i was really stressed but i tried my best to help. i think eventually she got better in january everything was happening all at once. i've lost my job and we had to move out to a different apartment and in the same time she gained new friends at work. earlier my ocd was showing up occasionally but since that time i think it got kinda worse. i have very low self esteem and when my girlfriend got really close with one girl in her work i started feeling uneasy. i never wanted to be a jelous and controlling girlfriend but my head was constantly telling me "she's will get bored of you bc of her new friend" "she's starting to care more about her than you" and it was unbearable. we talked about it few times and she tried to reassure me but at some point i saw she's not feeling good about my self doubt and being jelous. months passed and everything was getting worse. she become more and more distant, she stopped showing me any affection, she stopped asking me on a dates, she stopped flirting and even on my birthday i had to please her to stop texting someone and focus on a movie we were watching. and now two days ago she broke up with me. few days earlier we had a serious talk and she told me she doesn't feel like doing anything romantic with me anymore and when i asked why she told me she thinks she got tired of me. i asked her what about me makes her tired and she told me "it's because you can't do and cope with anything" or smth like that (its hard to translate it to English). and i understand that it could be tiring bc i was doing bad mentally and i asked for reassurance a lot even tho i knew it's my compulsion and even tho i told her i will try not to. i am also a very anxious person and i was really stressed aboud my new job and money and a lot of things and all of it made her tired. i feel so guilty that i couldn't try harder. i feel so guilty for not noticing I'm actually loosing her earlier. or maybe i actually was noticing it by being scared when she started to be mkre excited to spend time with her friend rather than me? i don't know i just feel so bad bc i still love her and i don't know if I can't stop bit i already asked her few times if she's sure that this is what she wants and i told her i will try harder and i booked a visit with a psychiatrist but she told me she's too tired to try. im scared she's also struggling mentally. i don't really know what i even want to hear from you guys i just really want to disappear bc i can't stop blaming myself for loosing my soulmate and the best person in the entire world, the most beautiful, funny and sweet person. she doesn't need me anymore. she doesn't want me and it hurts ass hell. and the fact that it might be all my fault hurt even more

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