- Date posted
- 13w
Why it is so hard right now?
Everything feels Like its falling apart at the Moment. I am faced with Lots of unprocessed trauma and flashbacks in my Relationship + this stupid pocd that latches onto my Partner. Even if I Just know and she has also OCD, Anxiety, maybe autism BC she cannot read emotions or reacts Sometimes too rational, she understands me best. She understands my illnesses and intrusive thoughts and in the past she got triggered by the pocd also a little bit. Just the disgust Feelings, triggers in some Situations and Compulsion to Look away and some what If thoughts.... It didnt get much worse but I maybe constantly reminding her of some stuff because I have to hold myself back from Compulsions.... She opened Up over some stuff that happened in her childhood and over the Last weeks it got worse and worse in my case BC of triggers of my own childhood Trauma and Trauma in General.... And she is a mirror.. I feel constantly unloved or unwanted, I am so impulsive, I insulted her in Arguments as a p..... Such stuff... She does Not leave but I feel that she has no Energy left either... Before a few days it heated so much Up that I was outside until late at night.... Slept on the Couch.... Next day the Argument continued... I h@rmed myself .... I also hurted myself thursday night with a plastic bottle but on friday it was with a kn*fe.... She called ambulance.... I Had to Go to Hospital.... I never went with an ambulance to Hospital.... That day when I was Back WE Had a good afternoon and it was okay.... Saturday was okay too Just the night.... I have some disturbing Feelings BC the OCD and everything impacts our seggs life .... I offen feel unwanted or undesired.... Misscommunication can lead to arguments... Yesterday in the evening it got worse after a day that was alright.... I was Feeling Like leaving but I stayed outside and she was so upset she didnt let me in... Then we chose to pause the argument... Today it was alright I think but I was so worried what to do If I should Work tomorrow again bc I am sick since a week..... But on a walk outside it was hard to speak without getting upset... So I Said I wanted to walk alone and she should Go the other way... After a few Minutes she was gone... I don't know where she is since Like 1 h 40 Minutes.... Tried to send WhatsApp and call but she isnt online.... Thought she wasn't at Home so I didnt Ring the bell and now I am sitting at MC Donalds.... Maybe I try to Go Back to the House and Look .... If she is there.... I barely have Energy for myself how should I Take Energy for her and the Relationship too? Pls send advice. Kind regards. Jal