Hi all. Iām writing this because I canāt stop spiraling and I donāt know who to talk to without feeling judged. I (27F) have OCD, so emotional safety and perceived red flags are something I hyper-analyze. My boyfriend (24M) and I are in a long-distance relationship, Im just on vacation right now . Weāve had our ups and downs, but overall, itās a loving connection. Thatās why this particular moment is bothering me so much.
Last night, we were on a video call, flirting. At one point I said, āGo to the bathroom first,ā before things got more intimate (he has a roommate and wanted privacy). After a few minutes, he came back and said, āOkay Iām alone.ā But I hesitated. I was acting playfully shy and holding back.
Thatās when he said something like, āYou said if I went to the bathroom, youād show me something. This isnāt my (my name)āsheās not shy with me.ā He said it smiling, and I was smiling too, but later it started to gnaw at me. My OCD kicked in. I started spiraling: Did that cross a line? Was that pressuring?
I brought it up to him, and while he tried to be supportive, I could tell he was caught off guard. He said something like, āIām trying my best to support you, but I feel sad that you would think Iād ever pressure you like that.ā And then, in what he admitted later was a ādumb joke,ā he said: āIām not like your dadāI wonāt get mad if you say no or disagree with something.ā
(For context: Iāve told him before about my fatherās anger issues from my childhood. Itās a very sensitive topic.)
I got upset and told him never to bring my father into things like that. He immediately apologized and said, āI realized it right afterāthat the thing I said as a joke to get you out of overthinking was serious. Iām so sorry again, and I feel really bad right now. I respect you and I respect everyone in your family.ā
After that, he was very gentle. We stayed on the call for a while longer, I felt heard, and we ended things with āI love you.ā But today I still feel emotionally sore. Not because I think heās abusive or manipulativeāhe isnātābut because I felt something shift. He saw me cry like that for the first time, and now I feel exposed and over-analytical. My OCD brain is stuck on what if this was a red flag? Even though he apologized and explained himself, I still feel unsettled.
Whatās making it harder is that I havenāt even told my best friend. I usually tell her everything, but Iām scared to bring this up. I know she already has reservations about him (sheās very protective of me), and I feel like if I share this, sheāll just add it to the āreasons heās not right for youā list. But I donāt want her judgmentāI want clarity. Iām scared that sharing it will make things worse instead of better, and thatās an isolating feeling.
I want this relationship to work. I donāt usually cry like that in front of people. I donāt usually feel safe enough to. And he did show up in the end. But now I donāt know how to trust myselfāis this a moment to work through together, or am I ignoring something important?
Would love some kind, grounded perspective. Thanks for reading.