MeltedDisk

Date posted: 29d

My life feels like it’s over, I’ve relapsed.

My girlfriend, who’s become increasingly controlling, read my therapy notes while I was sleeping (the one thing I told her not to read). She found a note I wrote, forgiving myself about a past guilt that I hadn’t in detail told her about, and she accused me of exactly what I fear about myself. A week later, she left me. I am destroyed. I’ve spent the past week desperately trying to rekindle the relationship, and I had some level of peace. I got heavy reassurance from a friend, but I think this was a trigger. A day later, while still focused on the relationship, my brain shifted to the guilt itself, and it went deeper. I am now back to where I was 2 years ago torturing myself over my real event OCD, and thoughts that I’m afraid to mention. I am losing my mind and can’t talk to the person who always accepted me, who I feel almost cured my OCD for two years. Now, here I am back to this app, I really need help, I feel I’ve lost everything.

alissaa

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29d

A partner that refuses to respect your personal belongings and boundaries will never be a good partner. I know it hurts and is a big trigger for your OCD, but just know you are better in the long run without this person. Her reaction to your therapy notes has no validity to it at all. If someone read my therapy notes, and didn’t understand the intricacies behind the minds of those with OCD, and how egodystonic these thoughts are, they’d probably bring me to the emergency room (spoiler alert: I’m fine! I just have OCD, and society fails to learn more about it beyond the stereotypes). OCD will convince you that her reaction is some kind of concrete evidence that what you fear is true. This is tough, I know. As much as it hurts, continue trying to lean into that uncertainty. I’m so sorry. Please try to show yourself love and compassion. You are NOT your thoughts, whether or not your ex can comprehend that. That is HER problem. And HER loss.

naiad

Date posted: 29d

If it’s any consolation, the fact your ex couldn’t respect your boundaries probably indicates you’re gonna be better off in the long run. Regardless, I understand the heartbreak. I had one of my exes also accuse me of what my OCD had feared all along. But think of it as some kind of fucked-up exposure therapy, that helped me. Think “if I can make it through this, which is literally what my brain decided is the worst-case, I can do a lot of things” all the luck and support in the world to you! just reply if you want or need to talk :)

SF18

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29d

You are NOT alone ❤️ Regardless of your relationship, you got you to where you were after 2 years. You did the work and you will again. It’s ok to take the time to grieve the relationship. You are never back where you were before because now you’ve had experience managing it. Sending lots of support your way!

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29d

Your ex violated a boundary, and I am so sorry she did. I can’t imagine how painful that must be. OCD often flares up when you have a life change, like a breakup. And that makes those periods of your life extra difficult to navigate, which sucks. But here’s the thing: even if you relapse, even if you’re back to “square one,” you know the way forward. You have navigated OCD before, and you can and will do it again. Do your best to use your skills here, to delay or resist ruminating. Remember that OCD thrives when you’re feeling low, but you can counter it. I also want to say a person doesn’t cure your OCD. You are in charge of your recovery, and even though support is so wonderful and crucial, you are the person who gets the credit for making your OCD easier to handle. I went through a very difficult breakup, so I understand how the loss of a partner hurts deeply. I struggled with that even though my ex was very controlling as well. If you are working with an ERP therapist, please talk to them about this. This may feel black and white, of losing everything, but that doesn’t sound like the case. Give yourself time to grieve, to feel your emotions, but also give yourself time to practice sitting in all the doubt and uncertainty.

MeltedDisk

Date posted: 29d

@MichelleV It’s just that she was initially what helped me so much, I told her the absolute worst of myself, the grey areas in between, everything. She was near unconditionally accepting. Slowly, she started getting more paranoid, accused me of cheating constantly, and I know I was being treated poorly, but realized I’d become reliant and couldn’t leave. At the end, the note she read, she got made that I didn’t tell her everything. I did at points and in pieces tell her about this obsession and real event of mine, but she pushed saying “you didn’t tell me in detail enough”. I know this is like the externalization of OCD, she did to me what my thoughts did at their worst. Then a week later, she told me it was because of this, but she left me. So now I’m in this spot heartbroken, dissociative, and relapsed going, “Her acceptance wasn’t real because I didn’t tell her everything in detail” I told her 99.9 percent I swear. I can’t even properly grieve over the loss because now my mind is turned on me being a worthless black hole of a person.

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29d

@MeltedDisk Maybe her acceptance wasn’t real, maybe it was. You don’t have to properly grieve right away. You’re doing the best you can in a very upsetting and turbulent time. But remember that your brain is taking an opportunity to tell you horrible things, but you don’t have to listen to it. Breakups are hard because you don’t heal overnight and a whoooole lot of emotions come out. Which is normal, but not easy. But this is where you should really really practice self compassion. You are doing the best you can, and that’s all you can ask of yourself.

Jal_25

Date posted: 29d

Im here

Gmoki

Date posted: 29d

She was absolutely not right for doing that in my opinion. That was a complete boundary she crossed and that’s not ok. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Give yourself some time and grace. I know this is so hard but you deserve to work on yourself

LostForever

Date posted: 29d

Although my situation is different, I am also experiencing a relapse,you’re not alone

Betty8989

Date posted: 29d

Ifshe loves you she will understandyou

Anonymous

Date posted: 29d

Ive relapsed too after a year of happiness and peace. Stay strong you deserve it

MichelleV

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 29d

When you reach out for support from others, you can also ask them to support you without giving reassurance (if you feel safe asking for this/if they know about your OCD). This can look like asking them to hear you out, but to not offer reassurance on what you’re struggling with, or asking them to respond with things like “I don’t know,” or “maybe, maybe not,” or “I’m not going to answer that for you.”

Reilly A.

Date posted: 28d

I totally feel for you. Having someone you trust this much disrespect a personal boundary and blame you for the situation is the worst. I want you to know that nothing in this situation is and her reaction to your notes doesn't represent anything in terms of your growth. Although my situation may be a little different, I definitely understand where you're coming from in terms of relapsing back to old habits during difficult times. It may feel as if you're back to where you originally started, but you've gone through so much and you can get through this. Take some time for yourself and please don't let the thoughts consume you, this wasn't your fault and you're not alone.

findingmyway1

Date posted: 21w

Never thought I would be writing this.

Hello, I unknowingly have lived with ROCD or OCD (not sure what one. I’m new to this). It has ruined so many amazing romantic and platonic relationships and I am so sad that just now I am finding out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe life would be different if I have known. My OCD and anxiety is at an all time high (ATH) due to some horrible events that have happened in the recent months. I am at the point where paranoia has taken over my life now. I had my first panic attack a few weeks ago where I fainted. My anxiety attacks are so extreme I go thought cognitive distortion that has lasted days. My girlfriend of 3 years is my emotional guardian and she no long has the energy to be that and honestly it’s not her responsibility to be that. She is bi and wanted to have an open relationship and for someone who has OCD this has not been good for me. She also was assaulted in my own home by a good friend of ours when I was out of town but it’s not a clear situation because it sounded consensual at first. I just left my very high paying job. I am financially secure but the job was emotionally abusive and looking back made my OCD worse. I am taking some time off to get my head right…but now, all I have to do during the day is live in my OCD. I’m very happy I finally figured out why I act the way I do but I don’t know if I can get better quick enough to save my relationship. I have never been so worried about myself (M 28 years old). I am a confident young professional and never thought I would be writing on a page like this. Anyway…I hope it gets better.

Tryingmybest12

Date posted: 18w

My ROCD Has Made my Personal Life Such a Mess

Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks

Mariabae

Date posted: 5w

It feels like I’m realizing the truth and it’s destroying me

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.

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My life feels like it’s over, I’ve relapsed.

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