I’m having a hard time this morning. I’m always living this anxiety of what if I harmed my son on a specific occasion. I know that I’ve look at it a million times and no amount of ruminating is going to give me the 100% assurance that I am looking for. It’s just hard when it ties in with my religious OCD and thinking that there may be sin here that I need to repent of. It’s like I’m holding onto it and I just don’t know what to do.
OCD isn’t logical and that’s why you aren’t finding relief. It’s going to give you a new way to freak out about the same thing over and over again because that’s what going to keep you in the loop. If logic worked on OCD then you wouldn’t have OCD. So logically you did nothing to your son and it isn’t a sin. But OCD is like that devil on your shoulder and is like “but what if?” All what if thoughts are OCD
@Princess Lorita @Princess Lorita, Thank you so much for responding. That’s a great point about OCD not being logical. You are the second person that has mentioned to me the “loop” of OCD. I was speaking to my uncle today and he told me that my OCD is wrapping itself around this, but if it wasn’t this then it would find some other event to wrap itself around. I appreciate that: all what if thoughts are OCD. Thanks so much.
It sounds like you’re carrying a heavy burden right now, and I want you to know that your experience is valid. OCD can make it feel impossible to let go of the need for certainty, especially when it involves those we care about most. Help is here at NOCD and we can assist you in finding outside help if needed too. Also here are some helpful resources: https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/how-to-stop-overthinking/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/can-ocd-cause-mood-swings/ https://www.treatmyocd.com/blog/answers-to-ocd-questions-youre-too-scared-to-ask/
@Felix Murad Thank you @Felix Murad! I look forward to reading those blog articles.
Do you work with a therapist right now?
@MichelleV Thanks @MichelleV. I do have a great therapist that I’m working with now who diagnosed me with Harm and Religious OCD, but I’ll be transitioning to an NOCD therapist soon.
I think we can all relate. By ruminating you are giving OCD power so we know that’s not the answer. See OCD for what it is intrusive thoughts that go against our values. God knows your heart.
@ivrec Thanks @ivrec! I really like that: See OCD for what it is intrusive thoughts that go against our values. It’s so funny because I use to get so anxious with that saying: God knows my heart. I was so convinced that I was a child molester/Pedi that I would spend so much time “repenting” for these sins. He does know my heart and he knows that they were nothing but intrusive thoughts, but I can feel like I am lying when I think back at that event. Not sure if that’s OCD or not. But ruminating isn’t going to help me get any closer to the “truth”.
Ugh as a parent too I’m struggling
@Hope1 Thank you @Hope1 it’s nice to know you’re not the only one struggling with this. I’m sorry, I know it’s a beast.
I'm struggling too my friend. Sorry you are struggling. I know you're an amazing parent
@Anony1314 Thank you @Anony1314! That is something OCD will never say. You got this too!
I struggled with harm ocd at the beginning of the year and didnt see a way out. Erp helped and pushing myself to do scripts and recording my fears helped me. I get it, but with harm ocd “ it feels different because its dangerous thoughts” its the same across the board. Maybe, maybe not and sitting with it or let it be, helped me tremendously and slowly i dont even think how i was back in January. It took awhile but as long as you show up and practice you are good.
@Jey_M Thank you so much @Jey_M. I’m excited to do more and more ERP. I’m actually not familiar with “let it be”. I’ve heard of maybe, maybe not and my OCD hates it lol but I know it’s good for me.
@MichaelJH I remember when i felt the same way and i felt like mine was so “ different” but one day just everything clicked and it became better. Its not linear recovery but its like going to the gym, you wont get ripped in 1 week, you have to put in the work every single day even if its annoying and finding what works best for you. Reading “ how to overcome harm ocd” helped me so much, especially when it came to writing my scenarios and then recording them.
@Jey_M Thanks for the encouragement and the reference!
@MichaelJH Anytime, and if you ever need to talk to someone i got you
So I’m not sure how many/if any of you are Christians, but I’m assuming this can still make sense to some of you. This morning has been rough. I’m constantly thinking, “am I saved? Have I never been saved and I’m tricking myself into thinking I am? When I’m listening to Christian music am I doing for the right reasons? Is it too late for me?”. Things I know the truthful answers to but yet I still think these thoughts. I don’t understand why. Why do I constantly think about these “what if”’s? My heart always feels so heavy and I feel as if I need to talk to God right then and there to make it stop and go away. But then am I talking to the Lord for the wrong reasons? And the cycle repeats. Thankfully, day one of my therapy is tonight and I’m hoping to find at least a little clarity on this stuff. I’ve had OCD for 7 years and I don’t even know how it works. Any advice?
Please comment. Just say if follows along the OCD pattern or not. I don't need reassurance per se! My daughter was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt/a**aulted her that I might as well do something else to hurt because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it because my mind told me I had hurt her already ("my mind literally made me question what to do and I guess the only thing I could come up with was using my elbow) and causing another feeling but it came across my mind to elbow her, and I elbowed her crotch or side/thigh area. Which caused another very unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out. And I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be hers anymore. Idk what overcame me but my therapist says it's all OCD. I was doing SO well! Is this really OCD? This has all caused me a great amount of anxiety. I feel like a terrible person and mom. I just need help knowing if this is OCD. Not wanting reassurance. Just wanting to know if this lines up with the POCD I've been diagnosed with by my current therapist.
Please read and comment kindly. Really looking for support. My child was laying across me and every time I breathed a certain way I was getting a groinal sensation. I kept breathing like that anyways (ugh idk why), and then my mind told me I had hurt them that I might as well do something else because what's more. So idk why or what overcame me other than the thought of doing it and causing another feeling (I literally had to question what to do during this and the only thing I could come up with was to move my elbow towards her groin area) but it came across my mind to elbow my child, and I elbowed their crotch or side area. Which caused another unwanted groinal sensation. Then I began FREAKING smooth out and asked my child to move. Then I've been stressing since. I feel like as a mom I don't deserve to be theirs anymore. Idk what overcame me, and in the moment, it felt like I wanted to move my elbow, but I know that can also be my OCD speaking. Right? I clearly regret it all and hate myself. I would never intentionally hurt my child; I don't know what happened in my head when this happened. I was doing SO well! Is this my POCD that I've been diagnosed with by my OCD specialized therapist? Just a struggling mom who used to be the best of the best. I'm very depressed by this. Idk what to do with myself. I live in regret now, and I just wish it would've never ever happened. I can't stop ruminating and being depressed thinking I don't deserve anything.
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