Right now, I don’t have access to a therapist because I can’t afford it. I’m still a student. I tried opening up to some of my family members during a past OCD flare-up because I couldn’t handle everything alone anymore. I was hoping they would understand and help me get therapy. But instead, they said it was “all in my head” and that I didn’t really have OCD. I know they care in their own way, but not being believed broke me. I’m left carrying all of this by myself, and I don’t even know when I’ll ever be able to see a therapist.
The situation that triggered my fear of blasphemy started when I became curious about God and discovered the concept of the Trinity. I believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit as one God — even though I only recently learned about the word Trinity — but learning more about it really overwhelmed me. I read online that many people are confused about it too, and I started panicking. Some people said the word “Trinity” isn’t directly mentioned in the Bible, and that made me spiral. I thought: What if this concept is false? What if I believed in something without really understanding it? I felt like just questioning or doubting it meant I had committed blasphemy.
Growing up, I always thought of Jesus when I prayed. His image was everywhere — in churches, on TV during Holy Week, and in pictures. As I got older, I learned that Jesus has a Father and that there is also the Holy Spirit. I didn’t know the Holy Spirit was fully God too. I’m not super religious, but I’ve always believed in God. For most of my life, I thought Jesus was the Father. So now that I’ve learned about the Trinity, it’s been hard to unlearn that. I try to remind myself that Jesus has a Father, even though I still see Him as our Father too. I’m not trying to disrespect the Holy Spirit or the Father — I just didn’t know all these things because my family and I weren’t deeply religious. We’re Catholic, but we don’t read the Bible or go to church often.
Now my OCD tells me that I prayed “wrong” all my life because I didn’t include all three persons of the Trinity equally. It says I have to picture or think of all three when I pray. I do respect and believe in all of them — I’m just overwhelmed. My OCD tells me I’ve already committed the unforgivable sin. It tells me I’m praying the wrong way. It constantly brings up the fear of blasphemy, especially against the Holy Spirit. It’s terrifying.
I try to calm myself down by reminding myself that when I used to pray to Jesus before, I was also praying to the Father and the Holy Spirit — even if I don't know about the trinity before. Growing up, I never learned these things. Learning about the Trinity at 17 made me feel like I should’ve known sooner.
My OCD pressures and forces me to perfectly understand the trinity but I can't because I feel like I’ll lose my mind. I can't perfectly understand it. Even praying has become confusing. I used to feel peaceful when I prayed to Jesus, but now OCD tells me I’m “leaving out” the Father or the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I don’t even know who to pray to. Should I say Them or Him? OCD keeps trying to force me to perfectly understand the Trinity, and I just can’t — it makes me feel like I’m going insane. Every time I hear or think the word Trinity, I feel panic, confusion, and fear. Even typing this now is triggering, but I don’t want to keep it all bottled up. I’m scared because sometimes I feel weird sensations in my head, and I wonder if it’s a sign that I’m going crazy. What if my brain is already damaged from this severe OCD episode?
I want to know if other people also picture Jesus when they pray — because that’s what I’ve always done, and it’s what feels natural to me. I wonder if everyone always prays to all three. I know these questions come from my OCD, but I still want answers.
During this severe episode I ranted to ChatGPT about everything because I had no one else to talk to. ChatGPT serves as my therapy. The app lagged and kept repeating the word “Trinity,” which triggered me even more. Out of frustration, I cursed at the word — not at God, just at the word itself. But now my OCD tells me that it was blasphemy. I cried, begged God for forgiveness, and wished I had never gotten curious about it, about the trinity. Not because I’m rejecting God — I love Him — but because my OCD latched onto this and made my life so hard. I was just tired and desperate.
Now, I feel like I’ve become unforgivable — like God is mad at me and punishing me. Praying feels impossible. My OCD still says dark, terrible things that make me feel like I’m beyond saving. That’s why I decided to step back from my faith for a while — not because I’m giving up, but because I needed to breathe and protect my mental health.
Even though I stepped back, I still believe in God and love Him. He’s always in my heart. I just needed space away from the triggers. I still find myself doing compulsions sometimes, but I’m trying, even if I feel like I’m failing.
I’m scared of blasphemy, scared of going crazy, scared that God abandoned me, that He's angry at me and preparing my punishment. I feel so miserable. I don't know why I need to go through all of this. I just wanna d!e. I'm so mentally exhausted.
Thank you for your concern and I'm sorry if this is so long.
