Hate myself for who I used to be. I used to sleep around. I drove drunk a couple times. I was careless. I’m so ashamed because it’s not who I am and especially not who I am now. I did it because I was lonely. And now I suffer not knowing if I hit or killed or hurt someone. This pain is just draining.
I totally get you and feel for you. Unlike many others, you learned about this behavior and made a conscious change in your life. I’m proud of you random internet human for that! :) Give yourself grace. I promise you everyone makes mistakes and does things they regret. I’m not going to feed your reassurance cycle, but when you get these thoughts, try to direct your focus if you can to how much those moments led to growth and change in your life. I’m thankful for my intrusive thoughts at times because they’ve led me to really work hard on myself and become a better person.
Redirect your attention to God or an image of Him. I promise He will heal you
@slippery_salad I try so hard and I feel like I am fake about it or he isn’t listening. I’m stuck :(
@Nl123ehe The point is that you continually focus back on Him. Think of Peter walking on water with Christ. Peter had to keep his gaze on Christ and keep believing in Christ. No matter how many times you fall, what matters is that you get back up and look at Him. You said you “feel.” Thats the danger of feelings based faith. Christ isn’t something that feels good. He just is good and we must always trust that
We've all done things we regret and we can't change the past but we can use it as a learning lesson. I'm proud of you that you recognize that those behaviors are unhealthy and the important thing is that you don't do them now, for your mental and physical health's sake. The present moment is what matters most. Mindfulness can help you with that. I also recommend what slipper_salad suggested about turning to God because living a new life based on his teachings- may be something you are more comfortable with because it will give you a clearer conscience
@OneDayAtATimee Thank you very much, I’m proud of myself for recognizing it. It’s so weird I used to be fine about this and it’s like I’m relapsing. I also part of me feels like I need to research the nights I did and figure out for certain if I hurt or hit someone so that I can move forward but my research is never enough. I definitely need to forgive myself the way God does.
@Nl123ehe Checking is just a compulsion, you’re not going to find lasting relief there. Like what Onedayatatimee said.
Compassion - learn how to send yourself compassion. Also, take a listen to the podcasts on real event and imaginery event OCD here: https://theocdstories.com/
When i was between the ages of 11-18 i was a very mentally ill and hyper sexual kid. I did a lot pf sexting, sent nudes, and even one video of me doing inappropriate things that haunt me to this day. I have changed a lot since then and realized that this was all jn relation to (TW!!) sexual abuse i experienced as a child/teen. I still feel horrible for the things that I have done and think about this daily. I beat myself up because I know it was wrong of me to act that way growing up. Im afraid that someone will find these texts/pictures/videos one day and it will lead to my complete humiliation. I want to throw up at the thought of people i know and love seeing me act that. Its not who I am or who I ever was. I regret that part of my life so deeply it hurts.
Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.
I look back at various past events in my life where I said or did things that I feel really guilty, disgusted, and ashamed about. I replay them in my head for hours. I feel anxious about crossing paths with people that I've hurt or upset in the past or who perceive me badly, to the point that I will avoid going out in public as much as possible. I go out for work, errands, appointments, and occasionally to eat (even though those all give me a lot of anxiety), but I avoid community events where people might recognize me and I tend to isolate myself. The only people I see regularly are my boyfriend, my parents, and my coworkers. I live in a small community and I'm worried about people confronting me publicly and proving what a bad person I must be.
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