ROCD doing better

I’m looking at old pictures and videos of my ex and I didn’t feel a spark or anything looking at them. During our relationship there were times I found her attractive and other times I didn’t. Almost like her weight triggered me and I felt guilty about that because I really tried to not focus on that. I don’t know why I was/am so fixated on her weight. I was doing the “what ifs” as a form of ERP. I was saying in my head, “what if she’s big what if she’s not” while looking at these pictures and videos. And then looking at it again, I was trying to remember what I felt when I was with her and took out the physical and it made my anxiety go down a bit. But I don’t wanna force anything or get myself too hyped up but for that second I felt at ease. I’m ngl I’m a little more confident then I was a year ago w/ myself. Sometimes I ask myself, “was I fixated on her weight and certain people seeing her bc I was uncomfortable about how I looked?” I’m trying to sit with uncertainty. I know this is a process and I am scared what’s gonna happen. “What if she moves on? What if I do?” I feel like I don’t know what love is anymore or if I ever was attracted to her in the first place. I’m also scared that if she does lose weight I’ll like her more and become more attracted. I’ve looked a pictures of her before and it triggers me bc I am attracted a little bit more and that makes me feel guilty. I know looks aren’t everything and they shouldn’t be. She’s honestly the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Does there need to be a spark all the time or does it fade in a relationship? Before getting on this app and seeing a therapist, we were talking everyday and I felt like when we would FaceTime I would look at her physical and my instrusive thoughts would kick in. I noticed that certain ways she layed or turned her head, I felt more attracted to her and I hated that. She had dyed her hair back in November and I felt more attracted to her , but my thoughts got to me and I felt like if I flirted it would come off fake. My thoughts would say, “she’s more attractive bc she has different color.” I kept my distance because I thought maybe if I continue to see my therapist and get on medication i would feel differently. I was hoping something would happen or I would feel something like I did when we first got together. But I’ll be honest when I first met her I wasn’t attracted. So maybe this isn’t an OCD thing? I’m confused. But I feel more confident with myself now, but I know I still have a long way to go. I’ve only been in therapy for 6 months. I’m just getting impatient and I’m trying not to.

So I don’t feel that physically attracted to my boyfriend but I love him! I wanna be with him I love his heart and who he is. Can this still work you think? Anyone? I already obsess over his looks but I’m afraid about this bc I wanna value who he is over looks period!

So I just had like a huge breakthrough. I often look for a feeling when I’m with him. And when I don’t I freak out mentally and it’s weird it’s hard it figure out why. But I was like doing my exposure and thought you know I choose this. I don’t need to do anything about this feeling I choose to love him on facts not feelings. So this doesn’t have to mean ANYTHING, I choose to love him despite knowing he’s not super conventionally attractive. It’s my choice , “what if I really don’t wanna be though” no it’s a choice that can’t be true if it’s a choice that means I do really want to be with him bc I’m still choosing him. If I didn’t wanna be with him I wouldn’t be with him and have no reason not t be. It’s a choice despite how you feel Evry day.