Fear of closeness

Every. Single. Time. I get one step closer to someone I love, my nervous system goes berserk. It’s really crazy how I assume these stories about how they probably expect XYZ of me, or think XYZ about me, and almost every single time, those fears are wrong. But it feels so real. I would give anything to make this go away. My loved ones accept me for who I am and they see my OCD and anxiety as part of me and try to help me, but I would give everything I’ve ever had to make it go away forever. The pain of that is so heavy.

redbud

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Sounds really relatable. I had ROCD for a long time as well as panic disorder. I would always felt so bad about putting my fiancé through my panic but she was so supportive of me. For me what helped was self compassion exercises and self acceptance. This may not be true for you, but I really didn’t like myself and always felt afraid of abandonment and failure. That’s why I would get so anxious with emotional intimacy or social situations. Really anything where I felt like if things went wrong people would get hurt by me and judge/abandon me. It might help you to see if you can figure out what your core fear is in some of these situations like getting a new job or telling your family you are engaged. There may be a self-thought or eventually you’re trying to prevent/resist with compulsions

anonymous00001

Date posted: 23w

@redbud Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’m curious what you mean by a self-thought in the last sentence? Do you mind elaborating?

anonymous00001

Date posted: 23w

@redbud I think my core fear is being found out to be a “bad” person. Or that I have to be perfect in order to deserve love. On my best days, when I feel confident and grounded, I remember who I am and the work I’ve done, but sometimes it’s like my child self goes straight back into that panic mode.

redbud

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

@anonymous00001 Something you believe about yourself like “I’m a bad person” or “I hurt people”

redbud

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

@anonymous00001 That’s how it was for me. When you have those bad days the best thing you can do is practice acceptance. Allow the thoughts like “what if I am bad? Maybe I am” and then forgive yourself and move forward. It doesn’t really matter whether or not it’s true. That’s kind of the big trap of OCD imo. You can’t prove if you’re a “good” or “bad” person and you can never be 100% sure you won’t hurt or get hurt. You just have to stop emotionally trying to prevent that through compulsions.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 23w

@redbud Thank you for the reminder, I really appreciate it. I’m feeling a bit more grounded now and have been trying to be present throughout the day, but I really mean it when I say it helped to know someone gets it. I’m glad it sounds like you’re using past-tense for some of those thoughts and I wish you well ❤️

redbud

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

I’m so sorry. What does this usually look like? Do you mean physically close, like spending time with them sets you off? Emotionally close? What situations do you find make this get really bad?

anonymous00001

Date posted: 23w

@redbud It usually feels like fear and panic erupting when someone I really love offers their heart or wants to take the next step. For example, my friend told me she wanted to be my friend “forever” and I panicked. I just came out as engaged to my fiancés family, a moment I’ve been looking forward to for MONTHS, and felt panicked the next day. At every stage of emotional intimacy basically that I’ve ever had, there is panic involved in some way. When I’m offered a job I really want? Panic. It’s like the fear that I’m going to mess it up some day and preparing myself to disappoint myself and everyone. On an existential level, I feel incredibly guilty for subjecting my partner to my OCD forever. I wish I could never be anxious again.

anonymous00001

Date posted: 23w

@redbud I definitely think I have a disorganized attachment style. That mixed with OCD is rough.

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