Intrusive thoughts about others

I am in a relationship but I cannot stop getting thoughts about this new coworker I met, my mind convinces me they are so attractive and so great and I hate it so much. My current relationship has its imperfections (as every one does) but I am so happy with her and have always been so loyal. Would OCD target those imperfections and exploit this situation? Additionally I believe I’m feeling ROCD fears of cheating but I know in every opportunity I’ve talked with other women I am loyal to my partner by bringing her up. Does anyone experience the same thing? Is this really OCD or other subconscious intrusive thinking?

User type: Therapist

Date posted: 7w

"Would OCD target those imperfections and exploit this situation?" Yes, it absolutely would. And it's entirely possible this coworker is so attractive and so great... but even if that's true, you choose your actions and it sounds like your values aren't in alignment with cheating on your partner. The toughest part of treating OCD is learning to allow for uncertainty. OCD, by its nature, wants you to have certainty that you'd never cheat or violate your moral code. But the more you do things to feel better about this worry, the more your mind comes to believe that you're SUPPOSED to do things to feel better about this worry. ERP therapy is a great way to learn how to respond to these thoughts differently, so that you don't end up adding more fuel to the fire. I'll never say ERP is easy, but I can promise you that it's worth it.

AnceNOCD

Date posted: 7w

@Daniel Kasper-MacMillan I’m dealing with these thoughts too. My girlfriend has no thoughts no attraction to anybody else and is all for me and i just wanna feel in love and all in too. Everytime my mind sees a girl and my mind says she’s attractive or it likes it i get depressed and hopeless. I want to be all for my girl and believe she’s the most attractive to me in my heart and the only one that I find attractive in my heart regardless of what my mind says, i can’t but help the fact that when a girl pops up my mind is constantly doing it and than i just get disconnected i wanna just notice people as people and be in love with my girl when i look at her feel all melty in my heart again like she’s the only thing that exists and i’m only attracted to her in my heart ANY HELP it’s killing me

mcocd

Date posted: 7w

I do the same thing! It flared up a lot when I got engaged and wanted the thoughts gone because I really felt disloyal. The biggest thing has been acceptance. Attraction is normal, seeing people that maybe you’d date in another life is normal, but comparison is the thief of joy. Grass is always greener on the other side and jumping from person to person is a life of unhappiness. Enjoy what you have, love your partner. Avoid the what ifs and just know that they have aspects that remind you of your partner, and that’s why your mind deflects some of those feelings. Diving into it just makes it worse.

Sillygoose27

Date posted: 7w

@mcocd That is very reassuring to hear thank you 🥹 when my partner and I first got together we had a discussion about not finding others attractive once we’re committed to a relationship, so I feel like that has been weighing on me heavy but your perspective provides alternate reason for these thoughts rather than malicious intent. I am practicing seeing those thoughts as only thoughts as I will not take action on them but it gets me caught up in my own head at times

mcocd

Date posted: 7w

@iLikeDaniel I’d argue that is an unrealistic expectation and impossible. I used to hold myself to the same value and that’s why it made me spiral. You can’t feel guilty for a natural human response. Unfortunately our minds don’t just stop looking for potential people due to our human natural urges even if we are committed. This is why people cheat, is because they act on these thoughts. Without these urges, people wouldn’t be tempted to leave relationships. The commitment and loyalty piece of it comes from understanding we can’t control them and not acting on them. I always recommend anyone with little “workplace crushes” or attraction to keep it to only workplace discussion. One of my friends always calls it “window shopping” LOL. We can’t help what we see, but we can control what we do :)

Sillygoose27

Date posted: 7w

@mcocd I am going through that right now in real time, I am learning to be kinder to myself because I am learning that a lot of what I feel is from our biological and primal humanistic tendencies. I appreciate all of your supportive and kind words 🥹

nessy

Date posted: 24w

Flirted by a stranger, causing ROCD flare up.

I’ve been with my partner for about 7 years. I thought I was over the ROCD for a while. But I’ve been under a lot of stress. I’m moving in with him next week, but I lost my job due to severe anxiety and depression affecting my job. (I hated working there) It’s been stressful trying to find another job while moving and I’ve noticed I would occasionally get intrusive thoughts, but I managed to ignore them, especially with the help of medication. However just today I went shopping for groceries and this stranger asked for my number and called me cute. I can’t lie it was flattering but I rejected him and confirmed I had a partner and it was serious. He was very friendly about it and I went home. But now I’m getting these intrusive thoughts like “You want him instead of your partner.” “You’d rather be with him.” “You felt flattered so you want to be in a relationship with him instead and cheat on your partner or break up with your partner.” It’s been so hard since coming back home because while I was flattered, my brain keeps thinking I’ve cheated for some reason or want to cheat or break up with my partner. For reference, I’m demisexual which means I don’t have any attraction until I develop a strong emotional connection with someone. So I wasn’t attracted to this stranger but I keep thinking I am? I really hate this because I love my partner so much and I thought I was over all of this. Any advice when a flare up like this happens? I assume it’s a flare up because I hate how real it feels, it makes me feel sick with anxiety.

OoOcCdD66

Date posted: 23w

R-OCD...cheating fears

Currently I have several different OCD fears that pop up throughout the week depending on the situation. I've noticed a commonality between all of them are the fears relating to memory/false memory. Today is the ROCD struggle I've been dealing with. I know OCD has been trying this on me lately because of how much I love my spouse. They are my absolute best friend and she's my world. I value our marriage and friendship more than anything. OCD has latched onto one specific female coworker. And I don't even know why because even if I were single I wouldn't be into her. Even still, OCD makes me think I've cheated on my wife every time I'm alone with this coworker at work. Always starts as a what if, followed by imagery, followed by feelings that I must've actually done something and can't remember it. Usually fearing I've kissed her. It hurts because I know I'd never do that to my wife and I love her so much...the idea of losing her kills me, especially if it were the result of something I did. Just wanted to vent. Feel free to share your experiences or vents as well

curly

Date posted: 17w

ROCD and settling

I feel guilty writing this but I was wondering does anyone’s ROCD make them feel like they’re settling? I feel ill when my thoughts start running about that and I always seek reassurance to make sure I still love my partner. It’s so stressful especially when I acknowledge other people are good looking my brain jumps to the idea that I want to be with them which drives me insane sometimes. I even had to avoid a coworker at my old job because my OCD convinced me that I was in love with him even though we were both in active relationships and only at platonic discussions. I always had to review to make sure I said nothing wrong and I feel like I am doing the same with a friend currently. I’m not sure what to do…

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Intrusive thoughts about others

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