I have recently had a fall out with my partner about my paranoia .. she is struggling with her mental health as well as looking after her autistic daughter.. what can I do to make her want to stay
There was a study done that revealed being a parent of an autistic child ( depending on what level but especially level 3) is equivalent to the daily stress that a soldier feels being in battle. Imagine having that type of elevated stress everyday. Just something to think about. She likely needs some extra support so definitely keep in mind.
I didn't realise it was that bad... yeh I need to support her
@Anonymous It’s likely the reason why she wants to be closer to her family to get extra support with her daughter .
@Anonymous Yeh I think it is that...im really trying ive wrote her a letter thus morning trying to explain how much her and our family means to us and not to let us all separate
I feel for you. That sounds really tough. It’s clear you care a lot and want to make things right. Maybe right now it’s not about making her stay, but giving her space to want to. She’s going through a lot with her own mental health and caring for her daughter. Let her know you’re there for her without pressure. At the same time, take care of yourself too. Working through your own stuff will help no matter what happens. You’re not alone. I’m here for you❤️
I'm sorry to hear :( We can't force anyone to stay or want to be with us. They will decide that on their own, even if we wish so desperately for them to be with us always. But the only thing we can do is that we can help the situation by showing kindness and being understanding of our partner's needs & seeing their point of view during disagreements. Even getting educated on your partner's mental health and her daughter's- can help you to try to accomodate them in healthy ways
Ive offered to go with her to SEN groups to learn about her daughters condition and understand so I can be more supportive... im doing my best to support her now .maybe it's to late... I really am trying and it's killing me... I haven't eaten or slept since Monday I feel so ill and drained and I cant cope with this feeling and all I want is to make everything better... I love her and the kids so much. I would of ended myself if it wasnt for my little boy living with me full time
@Anonymous That is so kind of you to offer support and try to be there for them. That is an amazing act of care and kindness ❤️ Proud of you for doing that!! :) There’s something else you mentioned that I wanna touch on. Our romantic partners are so important to us. Their families are as well once we also become bonded to them. It’s difficult 100%, but a breakup should not drive someone to kill themselves. People break up all the time and everyone needs to be able to handle that. Our lives shouldn’t depend on our romantic partner. You were born into this world without her and you lived your own life many years before you met her. So you are capable of being single! You will also still have a life after her, god forbid the breakup comes to reality 🙏 I sense that there is something deeper lacking in your lacking to make you feel that way. It sounds like you made this relationship too much of the sole focus of your life. Our lives should be whole on their own and our romantic partners are supposed to be a great addition to it. They are a piece of our lives- not the whole. Maybe you need to make more friends to lean on. Lean on family too if you are able to- spend more time bonding with your son ❤️🩹 Find hobbies (indoors or outdoors) that can distract you and bring you joy. Make a list of goals: traveling the world, excelling in your job and making money, buying a house, going to amusement parks, trying new delicious foods, etc. Buy a cute Labrador retriever puppy for extra company, even! 😄 You also have a son to love for like you said. He needs his dad. His life would be broken apart if you hurt yourself. Don’t let a breakup do that to you. I know how much you care about this person but if you break up, you can heal and be okay on your own first and then you can find another partner after (if you would like). There are 8 billion people in this world :) You have another chance to find the one for you, if anything goes wrong. (Btw I really really do wish for you and your partner to stay together. I would be so happy for that. Im happy that you’re trying your best to support your partner and her child. I’m only writing this for the sole reason of giving you advice that no breakup should be life-ending. I want you to gain your own confidence)
If I give her the space to miss me do you think she will come back... she says she needs to be closer to her family. But we can reconnect wen shes settled.. that gives me dread and hope because of her moving further away from me but maybe there's a light... ive suggested we go for a day out and chat so we can atleast end on a good note to make things easier at the other end... do you think that was wise
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
Lately, I’ve been struggling with feelings that I might be sabotaging myself in my relationship. By sabotage, I mean that I find it hard to stop engaging in compulsions, like seeking reassurance or overanalyzing my thoughts. I also sometimes behave badly with my boyfriend, and the intrusive thoughts I have can completely change my mood. I love my boyfriend—he’s such a good, beautiful, and wonderful person—but I’m afraid these thoughts are going to ruin things. I truly want to love him, but I’m scared. I know the thoughts are anxiety-driven, but they still make me question if I’m forcing myself to stay with him. Today, for example, I felt okay earlier, but when he called me on video, I suddenly felt like I didn’t feel anything, and I started thinking I don’t like how he looks. These thoughts hit me like a wave, and I panicked. Usually, I find him very attractive, but when these thoughts come, I feel sad and disconnected. What’s confusing is that I also have many moments—like today and in the past few days—where I’ve felt really good and I’ve felt love for him. I feel awful writing this because my boyfriend doesn’t deserve this, and I feel like I’m posting out of habit. It makes me scared that I don’t want to accept the truth, even though I know I care about him. I hate feeling this way because it feels like I’m betraying him by having these thoughts and posting them. Has anyone else dealt with these feelings of sabotaging their relationship or feeling like they’re forcing themselves to stay? How do you cope when the thoughts feel like they’re true, and how do you work through the fear of letting go of anxiety
Hey guys! My boyfriend has said recently that he doesn't know if he's strong enough to continue with our relationship because of my OCD. He wants to see me overcome my symptoms and learn to live a healthy life with OCD, but my anxieties and obsessions are starting to really affect his life. I understand his reasoning, it's hard to see someone you care about struggle with OCD, especially when it starts to affect you too. I'm asking for tips to deal with my compulsions in the relationship. I HAVE to know the answer to things and sometimes that leads into arguments because even with apologies and discussions I can't let things go, even if they genuinely don't matter or are miniscule issues we have. It's a healthy relationship otherwise but I feel horrible because it's impacting him so negatively, that's the absolute last thing I want to happen. I care for him deeply and he cares for me too, so I don't want my OCD to be a reason we break up but I fear it's headed in that direction. I'm starting therapy soon, but until then what are some things I can do to stop my ROCD from impacting him? I know sitting in the guilt and anxiety of not completing my obsessions will help, but I'm wondering if there are other things I can do to maybe remedy some of the damage already done.
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