i've switched obsessions a lot and my primary one right now is worry about faking OCD and i feel so alone because for everyone else it seems like it's only a side effect rather than the main theme of obsession. i hit myself in response to thoughts of not having it bad enough i feel so bad if i dont do it and the way i do it feels fake because it's not serious i've never sent myself to the hospital it's pathetic and not even a real problem and am making it all up. i have sudden thoughts of other people's mental suffering and it reminds me that i actually have no real problems and am just being insulting other people's experiences by thinking i could ever even say i've struggled with mental illness. i keep debating this with myself in my head making points and counterpoints and comparisons and researching. every single media i've consumed for a couple months now is chosen exclusively on the fact that i can use it as a measure to compare my own pain and understand if its real or not. i can at least safely say that i think about mental illness 24/7. if im not actively researching it im watching something that reminds me of it, reading comments on it to check what other people think, i think about it while i do every single other thing in my life i think about it while i talk to people while i eat while i write while im talking about something else. i clearly never had it that bad because i never had any extreme behaviors if i was neglected it's because i wasn't suffering for real, i even failed at being a shut in, i dont injure myself enough i dont have enough panic attacks my compulsions didnt impair my functioning enough i even failed at dropping out of college despite struggling at it and hating it, i hate every single thing that ive ever done every activity every achievement every good grade every successful interaction because they're a reminded that i've always faked and still do and that i never had it bad enough to justify calling myself mentally ill or to even ever say that i struggle at all even when i had different obsessions. those thoughts of other people's suffering are so painful and remind me that everything ive been through is normal and i should have never even gone to therapy, the fact that i decided to go is even more proof that clearly i didnt have it bad enough or i wouldnt have been able to do that. it hurt so bad when i get these thoughts it physically hurts and ifeel even more fake now because this is the reason why i feel bad and i feel guilty because for wishing that my harm obsessions would come back so i wouldnt feel so fake. all of this sounds so dramatic but the truth is that i didnt even cry so im exaggerating this as well. i even failed at starving myself for a day. today i took a notebook and divided a page in obsessions and compulsions and listed every single one ive had since childhood until now so maybe id feel better but the reassurance was so weak and only lasted until now when the thought of another acquaintance who's been forced to drop out because of anxiety and was institutionalized popped in my head again and the whole train of thought started again. im in therapy and supposed to give ACT a try but im terrified that if this goes away and i truly feel better then i'll have completely faked my suffering. feeling good is a trigger for thoughts about faking. if i have a good day it's proof that im not suffering or i wouldnt have any good days.