Need help can therapist respond

@Emily Frichtl I’m on NOCD but I can try and explain what happens. I don’t want to trigger other people, but I feel like my brain makes it so it’s inevitable. It’s really complicated but there’s a few factors. One is that I force guilt into my head. I agree that ocd guilt is justified and I force it into my head instead of sitting with it. I also have false memory ocd but I accept it like it’s true. OCD gives extreme compulsions and makes it hard for me to change. It goes after a lot of things. It tried to get me to get in a “suicidal mindset” driving, where basically I think about why I want to die and make a slight movement. It’s intrusive, because it keeps bothering me until I potentially make the movement. It tests what I would do if it took away my morals. So it says saying me saying “not doing that” doesn’t count. It tries to convince me there’s a special way to stop it I haven’t done. It says every time I see a car I need to remind myself of how unacceptable it is, or else I’ll automatically be doing it. This creates no escape and makes me want to do the movement. Then it comes back. If I don’t do the movement I’m an attempted murderer according to ocd and need to be locked up and can’t sit with the thought. The guilt is so bad and I can’t stand it and want to do it again. Now according to OCD I’m a 2 time attempted murderer. Eventually I give up and allow myself to do the movement (which isn’t anything dangerous) which makes it go away. OCD goes after other things. It says “if you see so and so do x movement for a sexual reason.” At first I think it’s intrusive. But it’s the same thing. If I could resist that I could resist the other thing and I’m an attempted murderer. I allow myself to do whatever small movement and it makes it go away. Then I feel guilty about it and the movement becomes a habit, because ocd says I have to resist it in an impossible way. Then it says “do something more extreme.” It becomes hard to shake. I almost said a bad curse word on a plane, because ocd said there was a way of stopping it I hadn’t thought of. It makes me feel disconnected, which makes the thoughts more extreme. Eventually they feel like me and I judge them as me. There are some things this thought process can’t apply to and ocd tries to apply it to that. It tried to get me to masturbate (without touching anything so I don’t know if it counts) in public, which is extreme, but it goes after extreme things. If I try to suppress it doesn’t work. I feel like there’s no way around allowing myself to possibly test that and I hate it. It also says try to get close to a car and miss.” When I try to get myself out of it, it says “it’s inevitable you will be back in this mindset” and then I say “no it’s not,” and then it says “yes it is.” I pull myself out of the mindset, but it goes “you were close, you need to stop driving,” that makes me want to test it. Every time I feel like my normal self, I need to remind myself how close I came and how I need to figure out some way to stop it other than letting it pass. So I feel like I can’t have a second of calm sometimes because I always have to be reminding myself of how I will come close. The more I do this the harder it is to get out of but it’s a real problem. The tests can be really hard to get out of and that’s part of the problem. Knowing that makes me worry about it and won’t let me out of the cycle. If I allowed myself to test everything then I would be ok but I can’t test everything. This makes it hard because I have intrusive thoughts about testing, that can lead to testing. I worry about falling into the testing mindset. If I resist, it’s still there. If I don’t, I run the possibility of doing a test of something I shouldn’t. OCD says that I need to find another way by resisting all the time, and that doesn’t work and makes it worse. It says all the tests were bad and I need to go to jail. I can also have a false memory of testing something, and then feel like I have to confess it. I don’t know if you have advice